The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

The crew rescued King Kong, the original one, from a life of exploitation despite Mr b’s latest invention for creating an alternative reality, part Matrix, part Tardis.

In this Episode

The crew try to rescue the political landscape of the United Kingdom with the aid of various monkeys and said King Kong. Will their new political party, the ‘Jelly Monkeys’ gain power and take the country to a peaceful and joyous existence? Let’s find out dear listener!

How do you disguise a twenty-four-foot gorilla? Is a vibration boat the answer to sea travel?

Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Episode 10 – Vote Monkey

RIFF 1

S/FX; TONY AND THE NARCOLEPSY TRACK [01:17]

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

MR B:

Morning Mr Jim!

JIM:

Morning Mr b! Did you have a refreshing walk?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Indeed, we did Mr Jim. Verulamium Park wasn’t busy at all this morning.

JIM:

Jolly good, your Majesty. [A BEAT] I’m still pinching myself Mr b.

MR B:

Why’s that?

JIM:

Because I like it.

MR B:

Fair enough.

S/FX: A NEWSPAPER RUSTLING

JIM:

I’m actually pinching myself Mr b because of our election success. Our third candidate, the excitable Emma won the last by-election two weeks ago and is still getting fantastic press. Look here at the headline in the Daily Mungo, ‘King Kong and the Jelly Party are the future of the United Kingdom, screams Emma Mandrill’

MR B:

O’ that. Yes. Very good. I’ll be back in a moment. Kong’s tired after the walk and he needs his microgreens.

JIM:

OK. What!? You took King Kong to Verulamium Park?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No one noticed Mr Jim. You know how everyone minds their own business in St Albans. So, very English!

MR B:

Yes. No one really noticed. See you in a minute.

JIM:

He’s a twenty-four-foot Western lowland gorilla! We’re supposed to be keeping him away from controversy… Goodness knows what will happen if the national newspapers and the tv people got a HINT, that Kong was out and about… strolling around St Albans, like a hipster in search of a flat white… we have to keep King Kong safe?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

Yes. Nigel. It’s Monkey Nut time! Good boy! Let’s go and feed Kong.

S/FX: NIGEL PLAYS THE TENOR SAX

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

JIM:

It’s bad enough having a red squirrel the size of a St Bernard playing tenor sax.  

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You wrote Nigel didn’t you Mot Homme?

JIM:

That’s not the point.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes, it is the point.

JIM:

Right. Yes. Well… you’re right of course. The point I should be making is Kong is now the leader of the most progressive political party in the history of the UK, the Jelly Party. He has to be discrete, politically aware and present a sombre image.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He wore a hat.

JIM

That’s alright then. A giant gorilla in a trilby hat. And that Tartrix thing Mr b invented, the travelling through alternative reality thing! It has caused a great deal of trouble.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non! Kong wore his favourite Top Hat. He looked like a proper English gentleman. Now, the Tartrix, part Matrix, part Tardis? O’ that, Mr b is such a prolific inventor is he not? Mr b was telling me he’s also invented a vibration powered boat.

JIM:

Yes, the Tartrix. It’ s nothing but trouble. Travelling through another reality with a ‘whatever your heart desires force field’! Nothing but trouble! What? Why? Why has he invented a vibration powered boat?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr b is a creative. He likes to express this with inventions. I believe you are a writer? You write. Mr b invents.

JIM:

Inventions, buttons that move the podcast slightly to the left, genetic engineering a Pointer Chihuahua. cMac, a moderately expensive coffee machine adapted to be the ‘ultimate gizmo!’ Is there no end to Mr b’ thirst for…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No. Now have you seen my sunbathing crown?

JIM:

I believe I saw it with Spen, he’s on the patio with a bucket of sunscreen and a bottle of Prosecco.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING 

MR B:

I’m worried about Kong.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is the matter with ‘em? He was humming very nicely as he ate his bamboo at breakfast. A lovely bamboo eating song.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

What do you think is the matter with Kong Mr b?

MR B:

I think he’s pining for Skull Island. I also think he needs [COUGHS GENTLY] a mate.

JIM:

O’ no! No need for details. Excellent use of a discrete cough Mr b. Right. We have to do something after…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Tony! The Trailer!

TONY:

Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

• Creative challenges!
• The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
• A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’

Plus:

• Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
• We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] [YAWNS] Bed time!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I feel refreshed! An hour in the sun, I feel so délicieusement chaud [SHE SIGHS].

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

And Spen?

MR B:

I’ve got the video clip you wanted Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Spen is also… relaxed [SHE GIGGLES].

MR B:

I’ll just cue it up on the iPad.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What video clip Mr b?

MR B:

Jim wanted to see Emma Mandrill MP’s performance on last night’s Question Time.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Tu quoi?

JIM:

Question time is a political panel show your Majesty. The audience asks difficult questions to politicians.

QUEEN ELEANOR

Politicians!

S/FX: SOUND OF SPITTING

MR B:

And play!

S/FX: THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE AS THROUGH A ‘TINNY’ MIC.

LADY VOICE:

Another question from the audience please. Mr Fuller from Prestatyn who has a question regarding podcasts.

MALE VOICE:

I would like, in particular to ask the Rt Honourable Sir Hillary Tank, what is the point of introducing a bill that obliges every podcast in the UK to have at least one living statue?

TANK:

We need to keep these people off the street. Make our towns and cities, safer, cleaner and free from non-productive scoundrels. The damage they do is immense. We are going to take the streets back for our demographic, I mean people!

S/FX: MILD APPLAUSE

LADY VOICE:

What does our recently elected panellist, Emma Mandrill MP say to this proposed bill requiring all podcasts to have a living statue?

S/FX: SOUND OF A MANDRILL BABOON SCREAMING

S/FX: LOUD ROUND OF APPLAUSE

LADY VOICE:

I see. Thank you, Emma Mandrill, the member for Harpenden North East.

S/FX: NORMAL SOUND RESUMED

JIM:

Wonderful. Emma is really on the ball! Vote Monkey!

MR B:

Vote Monkey! Well, Emma is certainly very, erm vocal. I’m just wondering…

JIM:

Yes, Mr b?

MR B:

You know, the whole monkey thing. I mean it started as a rather silly Jelly Trumpet podcast joke. The election of various monkeys’ to be members of parliament and er… wait a minute, does this explain that statue of a gladiator floating in mid-air on the studio landing?

JIM:

Yes. He’s not doing any harm.

MR B:

He’s not doing anything. You know what a living statue is? [A BEAT] It’s just a mime artist that doesn’t move.

JIM:

Well, it’s a directive from the PA, the Podcast Authority. And now we have three Jelly Monkey MP’s who can do something about that AND we have King Kong, the mighty, as the party chairman. A politician…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Politicians!

S/FX: SPITTING

JIM:

Thank you, your Majesty.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes, Nigel. Let us have a lie down. No! You will not bring your nuts!

JIM:

See you later.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Folie tous azimuts!

JIM:

Wonderful isn’t it. The Jelly Monkey party. I’m so proud of them. We’ll soon have a more benign country. Full of nature, harmony and sensible animals.

MR B:

Yes. Sensible…

JIM:

Now, if Etsy Gibbon wins her by-election on Thursday, we’ll have quite a group in parliament. Ethan Howler Monkey, Harpenden East, Emma Mandrill Baboon, Harpenden North East and Easter Chimp, Harpenden South.

MR B:

Yes Jim. But the monkey world is rather different from our own. I mean monkeys don’t do much. They eat, they breed, they squabble a lot and sleep even more. For instance, the Howler Monkey sleeps fifteen hours per day.

JIM:

With a country run by monkeys, our lives will be quieter and free from strife, free from corruption and immense political incompetence. Well, they’re will be the odd squabble over vegetation and food sources but apart from that we can get on with our lives…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

COME QUICK!

JIM:

What is it your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s Kong!

MR B:

What? What happened?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He’s gone!

S/FX: SCRABBLE OF FEET. A CUP GETS KNOCKED OVER AND BREAKS

MR B:

But Kong was here, in the garden, munching and singing his microgreens song!

JIM:

He can’t have gone far. Where would he go?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We have to find him!

MR B:

He’s a twenty-four-foot gorilla, your Majesty. Should be easy to spot him.

JIM:

In the car everyone. I have an idea…

S/FX: COMICAL SPEEDED UP RUNNING FEET

S/FX: CAR STARTING UP AND DRIVING OFF

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where are we going Mr Jim?

JIM:

Verulamium Park.

MR B:

Why?

JIM:

To park.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Park at the park? [SARCASTIC] Brillante!

JIM:

Yes. We’re going to the Roman Theatre and the Verulamium Park is the closest parking.

MR B:

Why the Roman Theatre Mr Jim?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. Why? Why not the Abbey Theatre?

JIM:

Kong is pining alright. He’s pining for Skull Island and…

MR B:

And…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And…

JIM:

And to perform! I should have spotted it earlier. The signs were there. I believe Kong wants to be a professional song and dance man, er gorilla.

MR B:

WHAT?

JIM:

He loves singing his food songs, doesn’t he?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

‘e is always singing.

MR B:

And he always wants to wear his Top hat!

[A BEAT]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He’s also taken to playing with that old telegraph pole. Using it like he’s performing a song and dance routine!

MR B:

Yes. He has. You’re right Mr Jim. Kong wants to be Bruce ‘Kong’ Forsyth.

JIM:

Kong wants to practice being a song-and-dance-gorilla. He’s too big for the Abbey Theatre. The amphitheatre offers plenty of space and discretion. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We have to get him a girlfriend. We really must.

JIM:

Mr b?

MR B:

Yes. We must get him a girlfriend.

JIM:

Is that vibration boat able to undertake a long journey Mr b? West of Sumatra say?

MR B:

Why?

JIM:

Because we are taking Kong back to Skull Island.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Merde! Tony! Announce something.

TONY:

Challenge at home!

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM:

This little exercise is called ‘create the perfect you.’ For 5 minutes only write a description of yourself. Age, gender, height, what you do for work, what you do for leisure, what you eat, if you exercise, what you dream of, what you dislike.

Underline everything you think that could be better. Now spend 5 minutes writing that person as perfect. None of us are perfect, praise the old gods and the new. This is not a self-improvement exercise, rather an acceptance of who you are. Embrace that.

What did you learn about yourself? Post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are up to!

Now back to the Jelly Monkeys.

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

JIM:

Is that him?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What do you mean, is that him? You can’t mistake Kong for anything other than Kong!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

Look at those people running away! You don’t think he’s climbed the Clock Tower on St Albans High Street and started swatting military drones?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No.

MR B:

Alright then…

JIM:

I think those people are running away from the Panpipe playing bastard-busker in The Maltings shopping centre. Put your foot down Mr b!

MR B:

Engaging second gear, mirror, signal, manoeuvre and…

JIM:

Traffic lights. Thank heavens for traffic lights when YOU DON’T NEED THEM!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Here.

JIM:

And this is?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

A Scotch Egg, with a hint of truffle and for you Mr b, Satan’s Dark Americano, coffee in a can. They will provide you with calm.

JIM:

Ahhhh!

MR B:

Ahhhh!

JIM:

[EATING] Yum…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Green! Rapide Mr b! [SHE CLAPS HER HANDS]

S/FX: SCREECHING OF TYRES

JIM:

What if we are too late!

MR B:

[SARCASTIC] What? Do you think Kong would have turned into the new Bruce Forsythe and is now hosting ‘Strictly Come Dancing Gorillas!?’

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Turn right! Down George Street! Rapide!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: AIRY HELMET

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.

This episode is titled: ‘Airy Helmet’. That’s right ‘airy’, not hairy so don’t think hairy when you hear airy.

THE SCENE: AN IMPOSING OFFICE. A PANEL OF SIX MEN SIT BEHIND A LONG DESK

S/FX: BURST OF INTRO MUSIC

SEYMOUR:

What product are you showing us today Ms Mills?

MARY:

My product is called the Airy Helmet and…

SEYMOUR:

One moment, Ms Mills. We at the Legal Board of Product Compliance must confer for one moment.

S/FX: SOUND OF HURRIED WHISPERING

SEYMOUR:

Very well, pizza it is. Carry on Ms Mills.

MARY:

The Airy Helmet is designed to take your own air wherever you go. Dislike other people’s vibe? Inhale your own atmosphere wherever you are. Still working on the tag line…

S/FX: WHISPERING

SEYMOUR:

A moment if you will Ms Mills. Very well, The Ultimate Spicy Sausage with chilli it is Malcolm. If you please madam…

MARY:

As you can see…

SEYMOUR:

Yes, yes, yes. Get to the point.

MARY:

The point is your Airy Helmet contains your favourite air, scents, sounds and inspirational quotes. With a single swipe left of the orange button your favourite atmosphere is enabled.

S/FX: SWIPE SOUND

VOICE:

Pleasant vibes engaged.

S/FX: SOMETHING SIMILAR TO A FAN

SEYMOUR:

The point being?

MARY:

The Airy Helmet enables complete escape from the reality of modern life.

SEYMOUR:

What do the green and red buttons do?

MARY:

If I swipe the green button right your favourite fragrance is released.

S/FX: SWIPE SOUND

VOICE:

Horlicks and Dijon Mustard… released.

SEYMOUR:

And the red button?

MARY:

Swipe up on your Airy Helmet red button and an inspirational quote is released. Now if I quicky swipe left and swipe right together…

SEYMOUR:

Dear God! Just the red button Ms Mills. We must adhere to a strict procedure.

MARY:

Very well, swiping my red button!

VOICE:

Inspirational quote… ’Enjoy the good times before the disaster’

SEYMOUR:

One moment!

S/FX: WHISPERING

MARY:

[SOTTO VOCE] Really!

SEYMOUR:

Let’s just have the Chick. ‘n’ Mix Box. Everyone gets a choice then.

MARY:

This is too much! I came here to show off my helmet device. Right! You’ve asked for it!

S/FX: SWIPE, SWIPE, SWIPE

VOICE:

Airy Helmet emergency atmosphere engaged! [BEEP] OFF THE LOT OF YOU! [BEEP} OFF, [BEEP] OFF, [BEEP] OFF, [CONTINUES IN A FRENZY OF BEEPS]

MARY:

And this gentleman is how to live your best life.

S/FX: THEME PLAYS OUT

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

S/FX: SCREECHING TYRES AS THE CAR BREAKS SUDDENLY

QUEEN ELEANOR:

There he is!

MR B:

Right! Let’s get Kong in the car and…

JIM:

This is a Ford Galaxy Mr b! Not Noah’s sodding ark!

MR B:

Fair point.

JIM:

We’ll have to, have to, have to…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Entice him home with us. Nigel! The termites! Rapide! [SHE CLAPS HER HANDS]

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS IN GREAT EXCITMENT

MR B:

Termites? Since when do we have termites?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

One must always prepare for emergencies mes petits pieds.

JIM:

But termites?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Kong is descended from the Western lowland gorillas. They love termites and ants. And we’re all out of ants.

JIM:

Nigel appears to have taken a massive golf umbrella with him.

MR B:

What is Nigel doing with a massive golf umbrella?

JIM:

He’s shaking something…

MR B:

Looks like a rotten log.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is spreading the termites. He uses the golf umbrella like a big plate.

JIM:

O’, I see.

MR B:

Clever.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Of course, I thought of it.

MR B:

It’s working. Here comes Kong.

JIM:

Good Kong! Who’s a good boy? That’s right, you’re a good boy!

S/FX: SOFT GORILLA GRUNTS OF PLEASURE

MR B:

Right! We need a plan!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nonsense. Kong? Kong? We’re taking you to Skull Island. That’s right! We’ll find you a mate.

MR B:

A mate?

JIM:

As in girlfriend Mr b.

MR B:

O’!

S/FX: FADE NATIVE DRUMMING INTO JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Will the Jelly Monkey party win a general election? What’s in store for our heroes on Skull Island and what is a vibration boat?

Now, a power nap. POWER!

S/FX: SNORING

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

JIM INTRODUCES GUEST

END

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: SOUND OF SOMETHING VIBRATING AT SPEED

MR B:

[SHAKY VOICE] We should reach Skull Island in four minutes and seventeen seconds.

JIM:

[SHAKY VOICE] Excellent Mr b! Did you pack the portable podcast kit, cMac the ‘ultimate gizmo’ and coffee?

MR B:

[SHAKY VOICE] Yes. And your favourite Scotch Eggs and two packs of bacon crisps.

JIM:

[SHAKY VOICE] Splendid!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SHAKY VOICE] Nigel! Did you pack your oboe?

S/FX: CHIRPING FOLLOWED BY A BURST OF OBOE

JIM:

[SHAKY VOICE] Kong is very quiet?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SHAKY VOICE] I have given Kong the Dorling Kindersley Bumper Picture Book of Male Grooming. He is busy trimming and plucking so as to be a very neat gorilla for his prospective mate.

JIM:

[SHAKY VOICE] That explains the nasal hair trimming.

MR B:

[SHAKY VOICE] But doesn’t explain the Fidget Spinner.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SHAKY VOICE] Kong is nervous to meet a mate. It was the fidget spinner or a small Catholic priest.

JIM:

[SHAKY VOICE] Vibration boats are [BIG TIME PLEASURE VIBE] greeeeeeat!

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

• Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
• And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to come up with as many excuses as possible for not attending a bbq held by your toxic and narcissistic boss. And GO!

JIM:

But I like bbq’s. OK!

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Keep your word invention threshold high people!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: BACKGROUND NATIVE DRUMMING

JIM:

[SHAKY VOICE] It’s a lovely spot. Skull Island is a paradise. So green, so full of natural life.

MR B:

It’s a bit warm. Hang on. cMac! cMac run air conditioning unit!

S/FX: SOUND OF A FAN

JIM:

[SHAKY VOICE] Ahh! That’s better… cool …cool …cool!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Jim. We have alighted from the vibration boat and have landed on Skull Island. Why do you still have a shaky voice?

JIM:

[SHAKY VOICE] O’. O’…o’, o’, o’

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I think you enjoyed the vibration boat a little too much. STOP IT! We must pursue our mission. Now where is Kong?

JIM:

Yes. Where is he?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is a…

JIM & MR B:

…a search squirrel.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes he is! Nigel chercher Kong!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS AND SCURRIES THROUGH JUNGLE FOLIAGE

JIM:

After him!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

One moment Mr Jim. A question.

JIM:

Yes?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I believe the Jelly Trumpet podcast does many things, including traveling through time, space and a mixture of cliched genres?

JIM:
Yes. It does.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Then why did we have to take the vibration boat?

JIM:

Well, you know, well… er [CLEARS HIS THROAT] stimulating.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Oui. Je suis tout chaud à l’intérieur.

JIM:

Now?

MR B:

Now?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

YES NOW!

S/FX: DRAMATIC MUSIC

RIFF: 7

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this? What has happened to the Skull Island jungle?

MR B:

I don’t believe it. It used to be so green. Jungle as far as the eye can see, a verdant paradise.

JIM:

Beautiful rainforest. A glorious vision of foliage, so wild, so many greens, so many animal noises.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who did this? Why do this?

MR B:

See this sign? That’s the logo of the Malt Sidney Company. You know? They run amusement parks all over the world. Malt Sidney World, Malt Sidney Land, Malt Sidney Dinosaur Escape Adventure Golf…

JIM:

They’ve built… they’ve built… I don’t, why, it’s…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hell on earth. What are these buildings?

JIM

It’s a pastiche. No. Wait. It’s a parody of famous landmarks. The Statue of Liberty, the Houses of Parliament, the Taj Mahal, The Eiffel Tower and an almost full-sized Empire State Building!

MR B:

I don’t like it.

[TWO BEATS]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nor I! Sacrilège! Come! No time for tears! We must find Kong. Nigel! Nigel! Nigel, ici maintenant!

JIM:

Right! We’d better… erm.

MR B:

Yes. We’d better, erm. Get cMac?

S/FX: HEADS BEING BANGED TOGETHER

JIM:

That hurt your Majesty!

MR B:

Ouch! Isn’t there an alternative to banging our heads together your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non.

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. My list of film mashups:

Number one: Titanic Top Gun, Tom Cruise plays semi-naked volley ball on a sinking ship

Number two: Jurassic Furious 19, Vin Diesel races Velociraptors

Number three: Frozen Harry Potter, the wizard is cold and sings an annoying song

Number four: Transformers Love Actually, Michael Bay ruins Christmas

Number five: Reservoir Paddingtons, cute bear mother[BEEPS] robs Harrods.

Number six: Brokeback Terminator, Arnie’s got your back

Number seven: No Country for Old Exorcists.

Number eight: Sean of the Usual Suspects, zombies in a police line-up go bad 

Number nine:  ET Trainspotting, an alien goes cold turkey

Number ten: La La Land and Shaun the Sheep, make Ba Ba Land

Number eleven: Guardians of the Social Network, blows up Facebook

Number twelve: Forest Taxi Driver, takes you on a rather pleasant taxi ride

That’s all folks.

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

This notice says. [READING] Welcome to Malt Sidney Skull Island Land. Reach out and we’ll be there. What sort of banal drivel is this sign saying? What the [BEEP] is ‘Island Land’?  

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Skulls are not fun, nor welcoming.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

What’s that Nigel? You didn’t see anyone? Did you see Kong?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel says, Kong is on the other side of the big pointy building? Good. Let us get him and go back to the vibration boat.    

JIM:

Well, this is going to be rather easy.

MR B:

Indeed Mr Jim. Not even a need for cMac! What could go wrong?

JIM:
O’ man, don’t say that! Now everything is going to go wrong.

[TWO BEATS]

S/FX: SUDDEN SOUND OF ROTOR BLADES GETTING VERY LOUD VERY QUICKLY

VOICE:
[ROBOTIC] Welcome to Malt Disney Skull Island Land. [A BEAT] Intruder targets acquired. Arming missiles. Preparing to fire. Firing.

S/FX: WHOOSH OF ROCKETS AND SOUND OF GATTLING GUN

JIM:

Well, this is unexpected.

MR B:

We’re all going to die! And before I’ve had my coffee!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Perhaps I should have worn my armour-plated crown?

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

Picasso is quoted as saying ‘Everything you can imagine is real’. Not the most pleasant of men but a creative voice. What if you imagine your everyday chore is not real?

Take a walk around a supermarket. Buy a handful of things. All the time assuming yourself in an alternative reality. Or assuming you are an alien observing a new world.

Why is this a tip? Finding ways to look at the same thing a different way is a release. That release will lead to seeing anew.

Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: GATTLING GUN AND BULLET RICOCHETS

MR B:

Well, this is a pickle.

JIM:

I’m just wondering how we got into this? And why? And who for? And why?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We are outlaws’ boys. It is our lot as an outlaw podcast defying the laws of time, space and conventions. Vote Monkey!

JIM:

Shouldn’t we do something? Vote Monkey!

S/FX: AN EXPLOSION

MR B:

Vote Monkey! And your suggestion is Mr Jim?

JIM:

We could go back to the vibration boat and…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And not do anything? Leave Kong to the mercy of an entertainment company? They’ll chain him up. Exhibit him for entertainment. They’ll get him spots on tv shows like Hairy Love Island, Naked Gorilla Attraction, Celebrity Pot Stirring or Married at First Bite. We cannot let that happen. We must do what is right for this noble being.

JIM:

Yes. We must stand up for what is right. Say [BEEP] to media manipulators!

MR B:

For all MANKIND!

S/FX: NATIVE DRUMMING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Listen? There are some natives still here, playing the drums.

JIM:

It could be a recording.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Sauve-moi!

MR B:

I would say, with my musician’s hat on, that it’s not a recording.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Is there anything that you can make cMac do that would help Mr b?

JIM:

Anything at all to make a distraction? You know, squirt some hot steamed milk at the attacking drones?

MR B:

Let me look at the cMac app. Well, we could… perhaps not. What about? No. That wouldn’t work. O’, option nine.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Quelle est l’option neuf?

JIM:

What is option nine?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I just said that! Well Mr b? It better not be a flat white.

MR B:

Option nine is this. FIRE!

S/FX: MULTIPLE ROCKETS TAKING OFF AND EXPLODING

JIM:
And option nine is?  

MR B:
A screen of ABMs, anti-ballistic missiles. Missiles that destroy missiles. Thought it might be handy. You know, being an outlaw podcast and all that.

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

Yes. Handy.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You are so creative Mr b!

JIM:

What now?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We fetch Kong. We return to the vibration boat. We go home. Follow me.

JIM:

Wait!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is it Mr Jim?

S/FX: SOUND OF ROTORS

MR B:

It’s a massive drone!

S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s got me boys! It’s got me. Save me, mes braves garçons!

JIM:

Hold on your Majesty! We’re coming!

MR B:

We are going to think of something! Soon!

JIM:

Yes! Very soon. Promise!  

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Quickly! You salad baskets!

S/FX: THE MIGHTY ROAR OF KONG.

MR B:

ISN’T THAT KONG!?

JIM:

Well, it’s not Hugh Jackman in a bearskin jacket.

S/FX: SMALL EXPLOSION

MR B:

What’s Kong doing?

JIM:

Kong is punching the drone!

MR B:

That’a boy Kong!

JIM:

Again Kong! Harder!

MR B:

Great uppercut!

JIM

Kong is winning!

S/FX: SMALL EXPLOSION

MR B:

He’s done it! Attack drone destroyed.

JIM:

Why has her Majesty taken out her iPad Mr b?

MR B:

[SARCASTIC] She’s checking her weather app Jim!

JIM:

I hope it gets cooler. This unrelenting sun is tiring.  

S/FX; KONG ROARS AND A SMALL EXPLOSION

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Thank you, Kong. Dear boy. I’m just going to open this app Mr b made,

MR B:

He’s climbing up the Empire State building with her Majesty!

JIM:
I can’t watch! They’re doomed! LOOK! It’s another drone!

S/FX: ATTACK DRONE ROTORS AND MISSLES BEING FIRED

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Shall I call you King or Kong?

VOICE:

Translating.

S/FX: GENTLE GORILLA GRUNTS

KONG:

I don’t mind.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

O’, the Gorilla speak translator works! Well done, Mr b. I can talk to Kong! Where are we going King?

KONG:

We’re going to the top of the tallest building… then we can see all the metal bugs.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Metal bugs? O’, I see. The drones. My, it is very high up here King.

KONG:

My queen.

S/FX: TIME PASSING MUSIC

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My King. I can see the whole of Skull Island. Look! It’s not all been turned into an amusement park. No!

S/FX: ROTOR BLADES

S/FX: THE CRASHING OF METAL A COUPLE OF SMALL EXPLOSIONS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bravo Kong! Bravo! How strong you are…

KONG:
You are beauty.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And you King… are… you are… nature.

[TWO BEATS]

MR B:

Do you think they’re coming down Mr Jim?

JIM:

Eventually Mr b. That’s gravity you know.

MR B:

[SOTTO VOCE] Marvellous thing gravity.

S/FX: CRASHING SOUNDS LIKE BUILDINGS BEING DEMOLISHED

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Coffee Jim?

JIM:

Yes please.

MR B:

What was it her majesty said after Kong destroyed the Malt Sidney Skull Island amusement park?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I said, it is nature that creates beauty.

[TWO BEATS]

TONY:

Coming to your ears soon! Season four. Jelly Trumpet! The podcast for outlaws. Vote Jelly Monkeys!

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

The crew landed in a town called Rio Goose in an old American western. Mr b lost his memory, the podcast was stranded, the townspeople turned ugly and the crew had to improvise with nothing more than a flock of one thousand and seven geese.

In this Episode

we indulge Jim and his love of movies from the 1930s. The crew make an attempt to save King Kong from the indignity of being a forced circus attraction. Why 39? Listen in dear listener.

What is the device Mr b has invented that is part The Matrix, part the Tardis? Why does Jim love the year 1939?

Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Episode 09 – Kong 39

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

S/FX: SOUND OF DIGGING

MR B:

What are you doing Jim?

JIM:

I’m digging.

MR B:

I know that. I can tell by the shovel in your hands, the mound of earth on the studio floor and the fact you are… digging.

JIM:

O’.

MR B:

Have you finished the script for this episode?

JIM:

Sort of… it’s fabulous!

MR B:

The mound of earth is a mite strange though.

JIM:

How so?

MR B:

Because, Jim, we’re on the first floor.

JIM:

O’, yes that is odd. Are you sure?

S/FX DOOR OPENING

S/FX NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Good morning boys.

JIM & MR B:

Good morning your Majesty!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Such a queue at Waitrose! They wouldn’t let me in with Nigel. I had to tell them he’s my emotional support squirrel. Anyhow, I have most of what I want for tonight… What is this hole doing in the studio?

JIM:

I was digging a dungeon.

MR B:

I am sure Mr Jim. [SARCASTIC] I mean, how did you get here, into the studio?

JIM:

Well, I came up the stairs… O’ I see what you mean. Mmmm odd.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I have a whole truffle smoked salmon, truffle and mushroom pizza, black truffle crisps, truffle infused wild boar, some truffle scotch eggs, and… a truffle. A dungeon? Such a good idea. I miss mine.

JIM:

I was going to use it to put things we don’t like. We shove them in, forget them.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Perfect Mr Jim.

JIM:

A dungeon reminds me of all those 1930’s movies, you know sword fights, Errol Flynn as Robin Hood, Zorro! Captain Blood… fighting for their lives, damp running down the dungeon walls… King Kong on the rampage, screwball comedies, like the Marx Brothers. Those were the days [HE SIGHS]. Did you know that 1939 is thought to be the greatest year in film history, Gone with the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Stagecoach, those were…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough movie geek! Now, I used my dungeon for, how you say, torture…

JIM

Well, we won’t be doing that.

MR B:

I could use the dungeon to test my new device.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[DISTRACTED AS IF TAKING ITEMS OUT OF A SHOPPING BAG] Spiced Quince and Pear Relish, Gruyere and Rosemary puffs, Salted Caramel Miso Brownies… no whole ox though, I don’t know what Waitrose is coming to…

JIM:

Indeed, your Majesty. A new device Mr b? O’ no, what’s this one do Mr b?

MR B:

It’s a simple alternative universe device. Part the Matrix, part the Tardis.

JIM:
What do you call it?

MR B:

The Tartrix.

TONY:

Shall I do the trailer now?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

One moment Tony. No Mr b. No Tartrix either. Waitrose is going to the chiennes.

JIM:

Wait! A deep pit full of drama, bitterness, torture, gnawing rats and completely detached from the real world? Sounds familiar… but my pit of horror is unique…

MR B:

Can’t be Mr Jim. Someone’s already invented Facebook.

JIM:

O’ yes.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Ici! Hand me the roast lobster and truffle baguette…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

I fancy a truffle Scotch Egg.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hit it, Tony!

TONY:

Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

• Creative challenges!
• The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
• A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’

Plus:

• Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
• We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] Now for a safe haircut.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel. Throw me the Saffron Butter… carefully…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Brilliant! Nigel has filled my hole with Saffron Butter.  

MR B:

Nigel no! Don’t!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NIGEL! STAY!

MR B:

Why did Nigel jump down the hole? It’s just butter. Leave it to me. I’ll get him out. I’ll set the Tartrix to now, minus thirty seconds. Blast! My Tartrix has plunged into your hole.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Lucky we had the butter. I’m going after Nigel!

MR B:

No your MAJESTY!

JIM:

YOUR MAJESTY! The Tartrix! It could be dangerous!

MR B:

Yes. It will be dangerous. What with the Tartrix having a ‘whatever your heart desires’ force field.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

For the Aquitaine!

S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND

[A BEAT]

JIM:

What? What sort of force field? ‘Whatever your heart desires?’ Never mind. Now what Mr b? SCIENCE!?

MR B:

We could call the Fire Service?

JIM:

That will take too long! Besides, how do we explain a giant squirrel, Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine, your Tartrix and a well-buttered hole? There’s nothing else for it. We’ll have to follow them down. I just hope your Tartrix doesn’t cause any shenanigans Mr b?

MR B:

Of course, not Mr Jim. I only invent shenanigans free things now. [A BEAT] Are you sure Jim. I mean, you’ve got quite a deep hole…?

JIM:

We have to save her Majesty and Nigel. I’m going in! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

MR B:

[ANGRY] I haven’t had my coffee yet! O’ very well… AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

S/FX:  AN OVERTURE, VIOLINS CLASSIC OPENING TO A 1930S FILM SCORE

JIM:

Hello?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Jim. I wondered if you would follow?

S/FX: A LOUD THUMP AS MR B LANDS

JIM:

And here’s Mr b.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this place? It is rather dark.

JIM:

Let me pick up the Tartrix.

S/FX: STRANGE VIBRATION SOUND

JIM (CONT.):

Something very strange has shot through my body. This your Majesty? It looks like… a film set. See cameras, a key light, some fill lights and that’s a boom mic?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

But I wonder what year Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, looking at the style of the equipment I’d say a film set in the 1930s or we’re in a museum.

MR B:

[SARCASTIC] I’m fine everybody. Just fine. Luckily, I landed on my face.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No harm done then.

S/FX: THE DEEP BOOM OF DISTANT ‘NATIVE’ DRUMS

JIM:

Do you think what I imagine happens or maybe I did write this episode? What’s that drumming sound?

MR B:

You wrote it Jim! Nothing to do with the Tartrix. Nope! Nothing at all to do with my invention!  Drums Jim. Drums! Drums drum. Drums don’t twang!

JIM:

I get they are drums Mr b. I am just trying to ascertain what they could mean. I mean, we’re in some parallel universe, aren’t we? You and your Tartrix … What was that strange vibration that shot through me when I picked up the Tartrix? we could be… anywhere.

MR B:

My Tartrix? [ULTRA SARCASTIC] Not your fantasy filled head writing bizarre stuff then?

JIM:

Nope! I’m not having it. IT was the Tartrix that put us in this, likely as not, dangerous situation.

MR B:

Right. Well, it’s an invention in prototype form. Wait! What, exactly, did you have in your head when you picked up the Tartrix?

JIM:

Nothing.

MR B:

The usual then?

JIM:

Well, I was… never mind.

MR B:

Out with it!

JIM:

Well, if you must know I was wondering what it would have been like if they producers had cast me, instead of Samuel L Jackson in ‘Kong: Skull Island.’

MR B:

Well, that explains the native drums then.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

SHUSH! I hear something else.

S/FX: HONK! HONK! [OLD FASHIONED CAR HORN]

[A BEAT]

JIM:

Was that the sound you heard? Your Tartrix doesn’t work anyway.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No.

MR B:

[TRYING TO DISTRACT] I was very nearly killed… killed dead… I assure you I have not created an alternative universe, whatever you may think. It’s Jim’s head fault! [TO HIMSELF] Why am I thinking about Wales?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What the hell’s that!

MR B:

Is it a farmer?

JIM:

O’, dear Mr b is having flashbacks to episode eight. We’ve moved on from Wales Mr b. [TO HIMSELF] Do keep up.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hello, my good man…

MR B:

Apologies Mr Jim, must have been a flashback OR YOU’RE COPYING SCRIPTS and NOT deleting stuff when you write a new episode?

JIM:

Well, erm… OK. Could be. [GUILTY VOICE] Ha Ha.

S/FX: HONK! HONK!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who is this man and why does he have a massive horn?

S/FX: HONK! HONK! HONK!

JIM:

It can’t be.

MR B:

It can be you know.

JIM:

Erm, well… he looks like Harpo Marx.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And what is une Marx ‘arpo?

JIM:

Excuse me, are you Harpo Marx?

S/FX: HONK! HONK!

JIM:

It is! Harpo! Loved him and the Marx Brothers, so anarchic…

MR B:

You like my alternative reality now, don’t you, eh?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Does the ‘arpo, not talk?

JIM:

In the movies no. In reality yes.

MR B:

I don’t think this is reality Mr Jim.

JIM:

The Tartrix you mean?

MR B:

{EVASIVE] Could be. Anyway, we’re in a hole and we appearing to be digging deeper. We could be here awhile.

JIM:

I wonder what he wants? Harpo? Harpo?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I think ‘arpo wants us to follow him.

MR B:

Now I remember! I have NOT had my coffee!

[A BEAT]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You should have thought about that before you invented the Tartrix Mr b.

MR B:

Fair point, your Majesty.

JIM:

Right! This is shenanigans Mr b! We’ll have a word later! We’re going to follow Harpo. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

This is [BEEP]!

JIM:

Really your Majesty, this is a creative podcast, we use creative language. We encourage the creativity in everyone.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Very well. This is creative [BEEP]!

JIM:

Very well, ONWARD!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Tony! Announce something.

TONY:

Challenge at home!

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM:

This little exercise is called ‘Long Ago’. Take your project and set it, the play, the book, the marketing campaign fifty years ago. What is still relevant? What can’t you use? How does this change the characters and settings, or your thinking about the market or market segments.

Write an outline, no need for full on detail. What did you learn? Post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are up to!

Now back to the [BEEP]!

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this Marx Brothers thing Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, they were vaudeville performers, they made movies, Duck Soup, A Day at the Races, A Night at the Opera. Back in 1930s and 40s Hollywood.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

So, not at all relevant to the present day?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Er, no.

MR B:

Well, your Majesty, you’re from 1150 AD, me and Jim, we’re from the 2000’s and we appear to be in the 1930s… So, that’s like the pot calling the colander black…

JIM:

Kettle.

MR B:

Are we having coffee now?

JIM:

No Mr b, the saying is ‘like the pot calling the kettle black’. Now where were we?

S/FX: A BURST OF 1930s ROBIN HOOD STYLE FILM SCORE

ROBIN:

I come seeking justice!

S/FX: SEVERAL SWISHES OF A SWORD

JIM:

I didn’t think we were here.

MR B:

Don’t tell me… Another film character from the 1930s. This is just wish-fulfilment for you, isn’t it, Mr Jim? Is that why you’ve written 1930s Hollywood legends turning up?

JIM:

No Mr b! This is your Tartrix tomfoolery. Explain that vibration when I picked up the Tatrix. Erm, good day good sir!

ROBIN:

Why, tis a good day. A day to fight injustice. A good day to put the rascal Normans to flight!

MR B:

And this is?

JIM:

This is Robin Hood, from The Adventures of Robin Hood, played by the dashing Errol Flynn.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Quelle délicieuse moustache.

ROBIN:

Hold steady good man Little John!

JIM:

That’s Harpo Marx.

ROBIN:

Nonsense! That was Little John. Where go he?

MR B:

You’re right Mr Jim.

JIM:

Well, Robin of Sherwood must be confused.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He is handsome though. I do enjoy a well-trimmed moustache here and there.

S/FX: NATIVE DRUMS

JIM:

The drums, the drums, the drums…

MR B:

[SARCASTIC] Repetitive, aren’t they? That’s the whole point… of drums!

S/FX: NATIVE DRUMS VOLUME INCREASES

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now what Nigel?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: ROBOCAT

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.

This episode is: ‘Robocat’

THE SCENE: YORKSHIRE WILDLIFE PARK, JUST OUTSIDE THE LAND OF THE TIGER ENCLOSURE

S/FX: BURST OF INTRO MUSIC

OTIS:

Welcome to the Gizmo show. Today we’re live from the Yorkshire Wildlife Park talking animal tech, apps and gadgets. Our special guest today is Mary, a serial entrepreneur from Harpenden in Hertfordshire. Welcome Mary!

MARY:

Thank you, Otis. A pleasure to be here at the Yorkshire Wildlife Park.

OTIS:

Next to The inspiring Land of the Tiger enclosure. Wonderful creatures, so big, so lithe. Well, Mary, I see you’ve created many innovative products including the iDogger app for dogs and BabyMaker, make up for babies. So, what is your latest product?

S/FX: ROAR OF A TIGER

MARY:

I do love big cats. Such magnificent tigers! Anyway, this is my latest product ‘Robocat.’ A fully programmable robot pet cat and home defence system.

OTIS:

It’s quite large for a pet cat Mary.

S/FX: ROAR OF A TIGER

MARY:

It’s not real Otis. It’s a robot so can be any size, this one is an extra-large prototype, called Kevin.

OTIS:

What does Kevin stand for?

MARY:

Kevin. It’s his name. Note that Kevin is a quadruped, that’s four legs, made of aircraft grade aluminium. The camera is of 48-megapixel quality. Kevin can understand over one hundred and seventeen commands.

OTIS:

That’s very impressive Mary. What is the purpose of Robocat?

MARY:

Robo Cat has two modes. The first is an always available pet, a recreational device. He sits, he plays with toys, he grooms himself. The second mode is Robo Cat acts as a fully functional home defence system. Note the steel telescopic probe, the search light and the taser, along with the tear gas dispenser and mini missile launchers.

OTIS:

Taser? Tear gas dispenser? Mini missile launchers? Is this legal Mary?

MARY:

Of course not. It’s made for export only. We estimate the US market will take upwards of five thousand units per annum. Now for the demo.

S/FX: ELECTRICAL ROBOT SOUNDS

OTIS:

What’s Robo Cat going to do for us Mary?

MARY:

Kevin will show his pet qualities. Mode One Kevin. O’, it appears to be stuck in Mode Two. I’ll just adjust…

OTIS:

And what is Mode Two Mary?

VOICE:

‘Dead or alive you are coming with me. You have twenty seconds to comply. Here kitty, kitty, kitty’. 

MARY:

Must be some sort of coding error. What if I try this…

OTIS:

Where’s Kevin going Mary?

MARY:

Kevin appears to have spotted a threat. Goodness knows what that could be?

S/FX: BUZZSAW

OTIS:

NO [BEEP] WHAT’S THAT? WHAT’S KEVIN DOING?

MARY:

O’, that’s the buzzsaw we fitted for a remake of Robot Wars. O’ dear. Now the tigers are getting out. Shooo! Shooo!

S/FX: TIGERS ROARING

OTIS:

[PANICKING] That’s all we have time for, the Gizmo Show was live… AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MARY:

Kevin! Taser!

S/FX: BUZZ OF A TASER

OTIS

AAAAAHHHHHHH! WHY DID YOU TASER ME?

MARY:

Well, Otis. We can’t taser a wild tiger. That would be cruel.

S/FX: THEME PLAYS OUT

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

S/FX NATIVE DRUMMING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I wonder if Waitrose will still be open when we get back? I forgot the truffle for Nigel’s nuts.

MR B:

Mr Jim! Have you written us into another of your fantasies?

JIM:

Well…

MR B:

You have, haven’t you? Typical. We’ll have to get a script editor you know? One who is a bit more up to date with their movie choices… AND sensible.

JIM:

A bit sensible. Wait! What? What do you mean ‘up to date?’ I am up to date. What has sensible got to do with Jelly Trumpet!? O’, and the Tartrix has nothing to do with this?!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We will go towards the sound of the drums.

MR B:

You’re as up to date as a Bakelite wireless playing episode two of The Archers.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough bickering! Come. ‘arpo and the Robin went through there.

JIM:

We’ll need… erm.

MR B:

Coffee Jim. We need COFFEE!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My brave boys come here.

JIM:

Yes, your Majesty?

MR B:

Yes, your Majesty?

S/FX: THE SOUND OF TWO HEADS BEING KNOCKED TOGETHER

JIM:

Ahhhhhhhwwww!

MR B:

Awwwwww! What was that for?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You Mr b, will be patient. We will find coffee.

JIM:

What about me?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You are not paying enough attention to the scripts AND you keep fulfilling your fantasies. Vous petit déjeuner bap.

MR B:

True.

JIM:

Well, OK…

S/FX: THE SOUND OF TWO HEADS BEING KNOCKED TOGETHER

MR B:

Awwwwww! What was that for?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My pleasure.

MR B:

Fair play.

JIM:

Fair enough.

S/FX: FADE NATIVE DRUMMING INTO JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

So, Mr Jim is fulfilling his fantasies, Mr b may have gone a step too far with the Tartrix and is in dire need of strong coffee and her Majesty is her usual magnificence. What will our confused crew do next?

Now Rufus Tiger Taylor on a triangle.

S/FX: DING OF A TRIANGLE

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

JIM INTRODUCES GUEST

END

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: BURST OF NATIVE DRUMS

MR B:

GOOD GOD!

JIM:

I don’t believe this. Quick Mr b, your Majesty…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this creature?

JIM:

I believe that’s King Kong.

MR B:

He’s a big chap.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is he for Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, if you ask me, King Kong is a metaphor for everyman. Exploited, belittled, controlled and exposed to the cynical control of the mass media.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He is noble of brow, brave and I believe a peaceful creature. We will rescue him!

JIM:

Erm…

MR B:

About the coffee your Majesty?

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

• Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
• And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to invent five new words or phrases to describe someone you love. O’, we’ll deduct points AND coffee for anything cheesy. Go!

JIM:

I have to what?

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Keep your word invention high people like Mr Jim. He’s great.

JIM EXITS SOUNDBOOTH

JIM:
Sorry Mr b. Didn’t hear the last part.

MR B:

I said you were great.

JIM:

You’re just trying to butter me up.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No more butter gags!

JIM:

Butter gag? How would that work. I mean it would m…

MR B:

Moving on…

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: BACKGROUND NATIVE DRUMMING

JIM:

Well, your Majesty. I do agree, he is noble and worth saving from media exploitation but he is around twenty-four feet tall and, erm, we’ve no space in the Jelly Trumpet studio.

MR B:

Twenty-four feet, that’s four point three Jodie Whittaker’s, or put it another way that’s three point six Stormzys, now in Nigels that would be seven point…

JIM:

Yes, Mr b! We get it. King Kong is very… tall.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We will take him back with us…

JIM:

To St Albans? He’ll stand out like a lumberjack-bearded hipster standing in a bowl of Angel Delight.

MR B:

Loving your similes Mr Jim.

JIM:

Thank you, Mr b.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes Nigel. Now how do we get the magnificent Kong away from those aggressive drummers and back to the studio?

JIM:

He won’t fit in the studio your Majesty. Remember that time we invited Greg Davies into the studio. He wouldn’t fit and had to crawl into the studio on all fours?

MR B:

He did make the perfect dining table for twelve though.

JIM:

Yes he did!

MR B:

Three point two.

JIM:

What?

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

MR B:
King Kong. He’s three point two Greg Davies.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Boys. Come here.

S/FX: HEADS BEING BANGED TOGETHER

JIM:

Awwwwwwh! We rather walked into that one Mr b.

MR B:

I wonder why we keep falling for it?

S/FX: DRAMATIC MUSIC

RIFF: 7

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We will find somewhere where Kong will fit in and not cause, how you say, a kerfuffle. Bon!

MR B:

Tricky.

JIM:

Very tricky.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Somewhere abandoned perhaps?

MR B:

Like Hemel Hempstead?

JIM:

Or Hatfield?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He’s a herbivore you imbéciles de poisson!

JIM

How about Scotland? There’s a place called Knoydart, miles from anywhere. He could start a travel lodge.

MR B:

Or there’s Yorkshire. Lots of places far from anywhere.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Boys…

JIM:

O dear.

MR B:

This is going to hurt.

S/FX: HEADS BEING BANGED TOGETHER

JIM:

I’m fine with that.

MR B:

I accept.

JIM:

Right. Erm, how about we use the Tartrix!

MR B:

Well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bravo! Progresser enfin!

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. My list of most wanted apps for smart devices…

Number one: Wisdom, saves you from writing idiot posts on social networks.

Number two: Wisdom Lock, recognises how drunk you are and hiding messaging apps

Number three: RoyalWarrant, removes all mention of royalty for a whole year.

Number four: CatCoach, teaches you how to ignore a cat before they ignore you.  

Number five: CalorieNoNotice, removes calorie counts from your sight.

Number six: LeafCounter, counts leaves when you are on a walk to the pub.

Number seven: MeetingMonitor, projects a hologram, so you can leave the meeting and do something useful.

Number eight: CoffeeColour, advises on the best colour for your coffee.

Number nine:  TrafficLightZapper, instantly turn traffic lights green  

Number ten: AwardGiver, instantly win an award for doing nothing in particular.    

Number eleven: DisneyMaker, turn everyone in your meeting to a Disney character. Turn your boss into a real Goofy.

Number twelve: JellyTrumpet App, forget the real world for an hour and bath in silliness.

Jelly Trumpet plugged!

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

Right Mr b. What we do is you press the button on the Tartrix, we go back in time. We collect, erm something to hide Kong in. We return collect Kong and take him to a remote UK location where he can spend his life in herbivore peace.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Let us do that! Mr b! The button!

MR B:

Well, there’s a slight hair in the ointment moment here. You see, the Tartrix can only go back thirty seconds. I mean I’m working on it….

QUEEN ELEANOR:
What good is that petit pieds?   

JIM:

WHAT? WHAT GOOD IS THAT? Then use the Jelly Trumpet podcast!

MR B:

We’re not in the podcast, are we? We’re in some alternative, wish fulfilment, universe of your writing!

JIM:
Because of the Tartrix! Thirty seconds. Not much good, is it?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Boys.

JIM & MR B:

Sorry your Majesty.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Play the creative medicine tip!

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

This is short. A quote from Ernest Hemmingway. ‘Have something to say. Write the truest sentence you know.’ That’s it.

Let us know how your true sentence, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

See, I press the button… we go back in time thirty seconds.

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

JIM:

Right Mr b. What we do is you press the button on the Tartrix…

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

MR B:

See, I press the button… we go back in time thirty seconds.

JIM:

Wait!

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

JIM:

Right Mr b. What we do is you press the button on the Tartrix…

MR B:

See, I press the button… we go back in time thirty seconds.

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

MR B:

See, I press the button… we go back in time thirty seconds.

S/FX: SOME SCI-FI EFFECT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Assez d’enfants. We will discount the Tartrix. We need another plan.

JIM:

I’ve thought of something. We need a diversion, then we need to entice Kong and, well, make our way back to the studio on foot.

S/FX: NATIVE DRUMMING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Excellent Mr Jim. What is the diversion and how do we entice the big fellow?

JIM:

I haven’t got that far.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Sauve-moi!

S/FX: HONK HONK OF A CAR HORN

JIM:

That’s it we use…

ROBIN:

Hail good fellow! Have you seen any rascal, Normans? I fancy a fair old fight!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Ce que le?

JIM:

Got it! Sir Robin! All those chaps over there, playing native drums? They are rascal Normans in disguise!

ROBIN:

Have at them! Little John follow me. Into the fray we go! HUZZAH!

S/FX: HONK HONK OF HORN

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, I never…

S/FX: SLAPPING SOUND

JIM:

Why did you slap me?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s for your own good. Don’t forget this. This time you did something clever.

MR B:

Can I have one?

S/FX: SLAPPING SOUND

JIM:
Why did you want a slap Mr b.

MR B:
It makes me forget about coffee.

S/FX: A DISTURBED CROWD SHOUTING

MR B:

It would seem that Sir Robin and Harpo have put the natives to flight.

JIM:

Yes!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Excellent. Now we need some enticement for the grand gars. I have it! In my bag. I was going to take this back to Waitrose for a refund.

JIM:

What have you got there your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s three family packs of truffle-free Microgreens! A tasty garden treat.

JIM:

Fantastic.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Here Mr Kong. I mean here boy. Here Mr King… Oooooo!

S/FX: GORILLA SOUND

JIM:

Kong! Put her down!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He has such a delicate touch! Hello big boy.

MR B:

Shouldn’t we do something? I mean, her Majesty is wrapped in Kong’s massive hand.

JIM:

He’s a gentle soul Mr b. I think her Majesty is perfectly safe.

MR B:

O’, look Kong is nibbling her Majesty’s tasty garden.

JIM:

Which of us can say that eh?

MR B:

Now if I push the button…

JIM:

No Mr b!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You are delightful Kong. Such a strooooong hand [GIGGLES].

MR B:

I’ve fixed it!

S/FX: A WHOOSH SOUND

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Told you I fixed it.

JIM:

Yes Mr b. A great bit of fixing. How did you fix the Tartrix?

MR B:

Easy. I hit it with my hammer. What an effort though, to get Kong back to St Albans.

S/FX: WHISTLING

JIM:

Well, he is twenty-four feet tall. Did you leave the window open Mr b?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And so gentle.

JIM:

Where is Kong now your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

‘e is in the garden playing catch with Nigel.

MR B:
I didn’t see a ball with them.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You misunderstand Mr b. Kong is playing catch WITH Nigel.

S/FX: RAMPED UP MAD CHIRPPING WHICH GROWS LOUD THEN FADES AWAY. THEN GROWS LOUDER AND FADES AWAY. REPEAT ONCE MORE

MR B:

Nigel seems to be enjoying that. Up and down like on a trampoline. Kong is very good at catching. Nigel must be reaching the height of four, no, five point eight Greg Davies.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is a catchy squirrel.

MR B:

Now, what are we going to do with a twenty-four-foot squirrel-catching squirrel in St Albans?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nothing.

JIM:

Because he fits in.

MR B:

Yes. He does.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Like a foot in a glove.

JIM & MR B:

Quite.

S/FX: NIGEL GOING UP AND DOWN

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

The crew discovered a conspiracy generating factory on the English coast. Thankfully. Sherlock Holmes deduced the threat while Mr Jim explained that he knew who was behind the QAnon conspiracies.

In this Episode

Mr b has lost his memory due to an incident with the podcast starter motor and the crew lands in the early 19^th century in the western town of Rio Goose. Will they survive, will they be lynched, why are there so many geese in Rio Goose?

How will the crew cope with cowboys armed with six-shooters? Why are the geese so massive?

Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Episode 08 – Rio Goose

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

JIM:

And this is Mr b?

MR B:

That’s my mixing desk.

JIM:

What about this?

MR B:

That’s the cupboard we keep JB; the singer in the cupboard.

JIM:

Who is this?

MR B:

I’m fine now you know…

JIM:

Mr b?

MR B:

Queen, erm, Queen errr… Eleanor!

JIM:

And that?

MR B:

A squirrel. A squirrel the size of a St Bernard. Don’t tell me… it’s Nigel!

JIM:

Excellent Mr b.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I’m not sure if Mr b has fully recovered…

JIM:

I think one more test. Then we’ll know if Mr b has fully recovered his memory. Right, Mr b! How much coffee do we have left in the podcast?

MR B:

Erm… two packs Fresh Roasted Tanzanian Peaberry, one and a half packs Cooper’s Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Aged, two cups worth of Koa Swiss Water Decaf and one sack of Organic French Roast Whole Bean. You will find them all on the coffee shelf in the coffee cupboard.

JIM:

Excellent Mr b!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well done, Mes petits pieds!

JIM:

That was rather exhausting. I didn’t think we’d ever get back to the podcast.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Moi aussi, Mr Jim. Especially as Mr b lost his memory. That was an adventure I do not wish to repeat. Fancy, a town in the old west of America called Rio Goose, filled with thousands of geese? Nor should you put a shotgun down your trousers ever again!

JIM:

It was a tight fit but it was jolly useful having a shotgun shoved down my trouser leg. I felt quite manly. Rio Goose home of the largest goose market in New Mexico, never again! Who’d have thought, eh? Well, we can relax now. No more of the old west for us!

S/FX: BANJO PLAYING [SIMILAR TO DUELING BANJOS FROM THE MOVIE DELIVERENCE]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where did Nigel get a Banjo? Nigel! Enough!

JIM

He must have brought it back with him from Rio Goose.

S/FX: SOUND OF A HARMONICA

MR B:

It’s all coming back Mr Jim!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Put it down Nigel! No more instruments from the past. It could cause some harm…

JIM:

What’s coming back Mr b?

MR B:

Things! Things are coming back!

S/FX: SOUND OF LONE WHISTLER, SPAGEHTTI WESTERN VIBE

TONY:

Shall I do the trailer now?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non, Tony.

JIM:

Now then Mr b. We’re all good. We’re safe, no more baddies, no more dusty old frontier town. We are not in Rio Goose anymore. We’re in St Albans. We have Internet and smart toothbrushes with Bluetooth. Let’s have a coffee, eh?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes Mr b. All is good. Say no to these memories like a good chap?

MR B:

Musical cliches!

JIM:

Eh?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Get off the piano!

S/FX: SOUND OF A SALOON PIANO

JIM:

No Nigel! You’ll set off a FLASHBACK!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now, now Mr b! No more evocative music Nigel! Hit it, Tony!

TONY:

Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

• Creative challenges!
• The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
• A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’

Plus:

• Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
• We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] I love Gary Grant.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: SOUND OF A FALSHBACK [HARP PERHAPS]

S/FX: SOUND OF A SALOON PIANO

S/FX: LOW BABBLE OF VOICES AND PIANO PLAYS UNDER THE DIALOUGE

JIM:

I have a bad feeling about this your Majesty. A saloon with sawdust on the floor and every last one of these fellows is wearing a gun.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We must find help for Mr b. We can’t leave him in the wagon much longer. I’m sure they won’t shoot you for asking about a doctor.

JIM:

Right. Well, here it goes.

MR B:

Is this the railway station?

JIM:

For pity’s sake! Your Majesty, please take Mr b back to the wagon.

MR B:

[GETTING PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER AND SHRILLER] I’m going to Wales. I like Wales. Wales is so green! What time is the next train? DOES IT HAVE A BUFFET CAR?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Come with me Mr b. I’ll get you some water. You can have a lie down ma petite pieds.

MR B:

Who’s Mr b? Do I like water? How do you lie down?

S/FX: FEET ON WOODEN FLOOR, SWING DOORS

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

[CLEARING HIS THROAT QUIETLY] Ahem!

S/FX: THE ROOM GOES QUIET

[A BEAT]

S/FX: THE HAMMER OF A GUN BEING COCKED

JIM:

I’m not from around here.

ELLIS:

You’re not from around here.

JIM:

[JOYOUS] That’s right. I just said…

ELLIS:

We don’t like strangers. We don’t like strangers when the goose market is in town.

JIM:

Goose market? O’, yes, seems to be thousands of them out there. All those pens full of big white gooses. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I wondered if there was a doctor we could see. Not Doc Holiday of course. I mean he was just a dentist…

ELLIS:

Just a dentist huh? I’m a dentist mister!

S/FX:  A COUPLE OF SMALL DOG YAPS

JIM:

Ahh! Nothing against dentists! I assure you, really! My friend, Mr b, he has a head injury…

ELLIS:

You glad to see me mister?

JIM:

Erm… o’ that! t’s something I picked up on the, er… trail. Popped it down my trousers to keep it safe. An easy mistake to make. Anyway, my colleague…

ELLIS:

Colleague! You a communist? Well mister?

JIM:

What? No, Eh? My colleague… I means my… erm.. compañero hit his head.

MR BOEUF:

Just one minute Ellis. You ain’t welcome in Rio Goose. Get outta town mister before we run you out of Rio Goose, on a rail.

S/FX: HAMMERS ON GUNS BEING COCKED

JIM:

Surely, we can talk.

MR BOEUF:

Gonna count to three mister. Then I’m gonna shoot ya!

JIM:

Well, let me think. [A BEAT] No thank you. Erm! Erm! Erm! Is that an outrageously expensive mirror above the bar?

S/FX: SLIGHT SCRAPPING OF CHAIRS ON A WOODEN FLOOR

MR BOEUF:

What the hell?

JIM:

This is what I had down my trousers.

ELLIS:

That there’s an 1882 Spencer-Roper pump-action shotgun Mr Boeuf.

JIM:

Right! Well, erm… come with me Mr Boeuf!

MR BOEUF:

Well dang!

S/FX: LOUD BABBLE OF VOICES

S/FX: SWING DOORS

S/FX FEET ON WOOD SIDEWALK

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who is this Mr Jim? And why are you pointing your large weapon at this man?

[A BEAT]

JIM:

Bouef. This is Mr Bouef and he’s coming with us. Get in the wagon!

MR BOEUF:

Well, howdy ma’am, Wayne T. Boeuf at your service.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Don’t patronise me Mr [MOTHERFUCKING – BEEPED OUT] Beef. In the wagon! Mr Jim, we ride…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR BOEUF:

What the hell’s that!

MR B:

We’re going to miss the train to Cardiff Central. I hear Conway Castle is worth a visit in Spring.

JIM:

Not now Mr b. That’s Nigel Mr Beef. Yes, he’s a squirrel. Yes, he’s the size of a St Bernard dog. Yes, he bites. Yes, that’s his harmonica. Your Majesty, about your swearing…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Shut the [BEEP] UP! Where to Mr Jim? We can’t outrun the whole of [BEEPING] Rio Goose.

MR B:

Conway Castle contains the most intact set of medieval royal apartments in Wales.

JIM:

We’ll find somewhere to hold up. Get Mr b to recover. He fixes the podcast buttons and refills the battery. Then we get back to St Albans. Simple when you think about it!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Fine.

JIM:

O’ GOD! You said ‘fine’. I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. Un baril de merde profonde.

MR B:

I like your hat. I had a hat once.

MR BOUEF:

What’s the matter with him?

JIM:

Erm, well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Jim hit him round the head with the podcast starter motor, did you not Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, yes. I hit him round the head, accidently, with the podcast starter motor.

MR B:

What’s a podcast? Is it Welsh for something? Portaloo perhaps?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! WE RIDE!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: HORSE HARNESS CLINKING FOLLOWED BY HORSE HOOVES ON HARD GROUND

JIM:

Right. Right then. Well, we need, we need a safe place, a safe place where we can reform Mr b’s memory.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Reform? Reform his memory? What the [BEEP] are you [BEEPING] talking about you [BEEP]!

MR B:

Swans! Lots of swans are we going to Swansea then?

JIM:

No Mr b. We are not going to Swansea and those are geese.

MR B:

Swansea has a Dylan Thomas centre.

S/FX: PING OF BULLET RICOCHETS

JIM:

Does it Mr b…?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where the [BEEP] are we going you [BEEPING] [BEEP]?

JIM:

There! That brick building with bars on the windows. Looks like the jail. We can talk to the sheriff perhaps.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[BEEP]!

MR B:

Can we do a boat trip? The Gower Peninsula is crammed with wildlife. Razorbills, Oystercatchers, dolphins and many, many molluscs.

[A BEAT]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What ever happened to the strong western hero silent type like Gary Cooper?

MR BOEUF:

There aint’ no escape. You-all gonna die.

JIM:

Gary Cooper in High Noon was a great western your Majesty. John Wayne thought it a trifle socialist though. Mind you he was one step to the right of Genghis Khan, perhaps why Mr Wayne played Genghis Khan in the movie ‘The Conqueror’ in 1956.  Your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Less movie geek! [BEEP]! Yes?

JIM:

I think you should refrain from watching endless episodes of ‘The Sopranos’ on your iPad, it’s affecting your language, 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[BEEP] Off.

JIM:

We’ll come back to this. Now! Is that a jailhouse? It is! Everyone in the jailhouse. Yes, you too Mr Boef.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now what Gary?

JIM:

Eh?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SARCASTIC] Cooper.

TONY:

Challenge at home!

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM:

This challenge is called ‘Blind Portraits.’ You’ll need a partner. Sit in front of each other with pen or pencil and paper.

Focus on one part of your partner and start drawing. BUT! Do not look at the paper. Draw in one continuous line. Concentrate on how your hand moves in relation to the partner’s face. Continue observing and adding details for 5 minutes.

How did you manage to capture the details and feel the space on the paper? Post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.

Now back to Rio Goose.

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Jim, take Mr b inside the jail. I will hide the wagon round the back and secrete this garçon de boeuf somewhere; with the help of Nigel and his needle-like teeth.

JIM:

Right. Erm, Mr b!

S/FX: SOUND OF HORSE HARNESS

MR BOEUF:

Wait a dang minute…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NIGEL! Les dents!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS. LOUD CHATTERING OF TEETH

MR BOEUF:

Dang! Those are some teeth boy!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

That’s a sign you don’t see every day. [READING] ‘Property of the Mocha-Cola & ACME Goose Food Accelerant Company’. Well, fancy that…

MR B:

What did you say? Mr bald person?

JIM:

I was just reading what was on the back of the wagon. Right! The jail Mr b! Then we’ll be safe. Don’t mention the hair, eh?

MR B:

I won’t because you don’t have any. This isn’t Wales.

JIM:

Get in the jail… you… you… you… MOLLUSC!

S/FX: SQUEAKING OF AN IRON DOOR

MR B:

What sort of mollusc? A Scaphopoda? A Gastropoda? WHOOPS!

S/FX: WAGON MOVING OFF

JIM:

Sheriff! Sheriff! Thank God! Are you the sheriff of this town?

TEBOR:

[GROANS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. BECAUSE HE IS A MONSTER]

JIM:

I see. Erm, are you a mute perhaps?

TEBOR:

[GROANS]

JIM:

So, are you the sheriff? Do you know where the sheriff is?

TEBOR:

[GROANS]

DOCTOR EAGLE:

Nein. He is not the sheriff. He is my creation, Tebor!

JIM:

O’, I see.

DOCTOR EAGLE:

Nein! You don’t see.

MR B:

O’, you’re German.

DOCTOR EAGLE:

NEIN! I am from Liechtenstein. I am a Liechtensteiner! Why can no one get this correct?!

JIM:

O’, I am sorry. We need help. The townspeople are out to do us, erm… harm, er Mr?

DOCTOR EAGLE:

Doctor! Doctor Eagle and this is my creation, Tebor.

S/FX: DOOR CREAKING OPEN

DOCTOR EAGLE:

And who is this?

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: DEIDRE’S DEN

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.

This episode is: ‘’Deidre’s Den’

THE SCENE: AN OLD RESTORED WAREHOUSE WITH EXPOSED BRICK AND FUNKY LIGHTING

S/FX: BURST OF A DRAMATIC TUNE

VOICE OVER:

Mary is next into the den. Will she get the funding she needs for her latest consumer business to hit the high street?

NOAH:

[LANCASHIRE ACCENT] Welcome to Deidre’s Den. Bolton’s answer to the namby-pamby, prissy, frilly, willy, silly, lily, chilli, dilly Dragon’s Den, thou southern prattle-stick.

MARY:

I’m Mary.

NOAH:

On my right we have Captain Curtis Longarm, made his money selling picnic baskets to Somali pirates, to his right is Dame Mavis Patel, queen of chutney and scented naan bread. Over here on my left is Fancy Frank Robinson, he only invests in things beginning with an ‘s’.’ Then there’s me, Noah Howarth, investor in Hip-Hop and South African manganese mines. Off you go then Ms.

MARY:

Thank you, Noah. As I said I’m Mary and I have a proposition for the, er… ‘Deidres’. I’m seeking an investment of two-hundred thousand pounds for a ten percent stake in this!

S/FX: VARIOUS GASPS

NOAH:

What the hell is that?

MARY:

This is a mock-up of my latest creation, hot cup. I’m not quite sure I’ve found the right name. There’s another word, I’m sure. On the tip of my tongue. No. It’s gone. Today, in our mixed up, fast-moving world, the majority of people walking the high street want some refreshment other than coffee.

S/FX: MUMBLES OF DISAPPROVAL

VOICE:

I’m out!

MARY:

Lady and gentlemen, I give you our high street campaign for ‘Hot Cup!’

NOAH:

Hot Cup?!

MARY:

That is correct Mr Noah, ‘Hot Cup!’. As you can see from the illustration, a big cup, some might say a big mug full of what I call…erm, ‘hot veggie smoothie’.

VOICE:

Hot veggie smoothie, southern nonsense?! I’m out!

MARY:

On every high street, we’ll see ‘The Hot Cup’ logo. Customers will flock to the place in winter AND in summer we’ll do the ‘cold veggie smoothie’, with ice and a very wide straw…

NOAH:

Wide straw?

MARY:

Yes. A wide straw. We’ve found in our tests that potatoes, in particular, can stick in small holes.

NOAH:

‘Hot veggie smoothie’, reminds me of something. What could it be?

MARY:

And of course, there will be various upsell opportunities, courgette crisps, pear sandwiches, grilled kale in flourless bread, reusable hemp napkins and of course Guacamole balls.

VOICE:

What’s a Guacamole ball?

MARY:

Some call it an avocado.

NOAH:

O’! ‘Hot veggie smoothie’ is not that catchy a name. I’m sure there’s a better name. I don’t see it selling. I’m out.

MARY:

O’… but… Fancy Frank?

[TWO BEATS]

FANCY FRANK:

I’m in.

NOAH:

Are you mad Frank? You don’t know what this ‘hot veggie smoothie’ is… and it doesn’t begin with an ‘s’.

FANCY FRANK:

‘Hot veggie smoothie?’ That’s soup… everyone loves soup.

MARY:

O’, soup… that’s the word I was looking for…

S/FX: THEME PLAYS OUT

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I am Queen Eleanor of the Aquitaine and you?

DOCTOR EAGLE:

I am the world-renowned Doctor Igor Eagle.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

O’, you’re German…

DOCTOR EAGLE:

Nien! Ich bin ein Liechtensteiner!  

JIM:

Your majesty, where is Mr Boeuf?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is a guard squirrel. He is, erm, guarding the boeuf…

MR B:

Hello, I’m. Well, I’m… I’m not sure who I am actually but I’m sure I’m a jolly nice chap.

TEBOR:

[GROANS]

JIM:

You are a jolly nice chap Mr b. I wouldn’t bother with Tebor, he appears to be an experiment.

MR B:

An experiment! I think I like experiments…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where is the sheriff, Doctor?

DOCTOR EAGLE:

He was run out of town yesterday, on a rail, he looked at a goose the wrong way.

JIM:

Well, this is a tight spot. Thank heavens the towns people don’t know where we are.

S/FX: BULLETS RICOCHETING

MR B:

I always thought the Welsh were a friendly people.

JIM:

[ANGRY] For the last time Mr b. We are not in Wales; we are not going to Wales. Wales is way, way, way beyond the HORIZON!

DOCTOR EAGLE:

You better leave.

JIM:

Can’t do that doctor. I have a fear of geese, and, erm, grisly death. I mean peaceful death isn’t that great either.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s only death Mr Jim.

JIM:

Only death? I mean this is meant to be a peace-loving podcast. An outlaw podcast granted but Jelly Trumpet is a peace-loving podcast at the end of the day. What on earth has happened? Did I write this?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, perhaps you should write us into somewhere safe with a coffee machine.

MR B:

We could hide in Snowdonia behind the Ranges Motorsport Centre? They do a good coffee.

JIM:

Well, it doesn’t do us any good does it? Whatever I write turns into a mind-melt…-ing disaster!

MR B:

O’, look there’s someone coming to the door. He appears to be holding a white flag. Strange.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

How strange Mr b?

MR B:

The white flag now appears to be bright orange.

JIM:

EH?

S/FX: BREAKING GLASS AND A WHOOSH OF FLAMES

TONY:

What a pretty palaver. Will Mr b recover his memory? Who is Doctor Eagle and what is he doing in Rio Goose? Does Nigel bite?  [YAWNS] eh? Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.

I love the occasional goose.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

JIM INTRODUCES GUEST

END

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: BURST OF DANGER MUSIC

S/FX: A GOOSE HONKS

S/FX: A BUCKET OF WATER BEING THROWN

MR B:

What was that?

JIM:

Doctor Eagle has just squeezed a goose full of water over the kerosene bomb.

DOCTOR EAGLE:

Luckily, I have trained MY GEESE to be multipurpose!  I suggest we secure the building. Barricade the door!

JIM:

Jolly good! Mr b, help me with this cupboard!

TEBOR:

[GROANS]

DOCTOR EAGLE:

No Tebor! Make some coffee.

JIM:

Coffee?

MR B:

I know I like coffee.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They are more of them gathering outside. Looks like all the people in the town are out front.

JIM:

Perhaps they’ll listen to reason…

S/FX: SMASHING WINDOW

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Then again, perhaps not…

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

• Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
• And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to tell the listeners a story containing your most favourite words. O’, and ending in a motorway service station near Brighton.

JIM:

What? Brighton?

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Keep honing those story skills Mr Jim!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: GEESE HONKING

JIM:

There must be close to a thousand geese in that pen.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Oui, Mr Jim. They are getting restless. I hope they don’t ‘spook’, you know, stampede.

JIM:

Do geese stampede?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bien sûr. I’ve seen it many times in the Aquitaine.

MR BOEUF:

Them’s Giant Dewlap geese. Biggest goose in the world, must be twenty pounds a’ piece. You better not spook them mister.

JIM:

Why so many geese Mr Boeuf?

MR BOEUF:

Now that would be telling [LAUGHS MANICALLY].

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Keep an eye on our guest… You know in some places in my lands they set fire to geese and….

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

NO! NO! NO! We’ll not be setting fire to geese.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes Nigel. You can play for a bit.

S/FX: SOUND OF A HARMONICA

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is wrong with a… hot goose?

JIM:

Nothing wrong with a ‘hot goose’ that’s dispatched humanly and cooked, then served with roasties and bread sauce.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Sounds divine, with some trifle and extra cream and Crème de cassis for déserte.

JIM:

And a nice Beaujolais.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s a shame we can’t have that now.

JIM:

Yes. It’s better we concentrate on avoiding death.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

MR B:
Excuse me both? Is it a good thing that someone is chopping through the front door with an axe?

S/FX: DRAMATIC MUSIC

RIFF: 7

S/FX: MUSIC FOR A MOMENT IN TIME FOR 2 – 3 BEATS

S/FX: WOOD BEING CHOPPED

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They will break in any moment!

MR B:

This is bad, isn’t it?

JIM:

Yes Mr b. This is very bad.

DR EAGLE:

STAND BACK!

JIM:

Yes. Let’s step back. Is this the end of Jelly Trumpet? What a way to go. I always thought I’d be in bed filled with pleasure not set upon by angry townsfolk armed with guns and pitchforks.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. Well, Mr Jim it’s been a lot of fun. So, this is how it ends for the Queen of the Aquitaine… Merde.

TEBOR:

[GROANS]

MR B:

O’, look coffee.

JIM:

Lovely aroma. Is it an Arabica bean?

TEBOR::

[GROANS]

DR EAGLE:

Tebor! The screaming goose!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough with the [BEEPING] coffee!

JIM

Just a sip your Majesty?

MR B:

A soupson, a hint, an iota, an inkling, perhaps a tincture…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What’s happened to Mr b?

JIM:

O dear.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is it Mr Jim. Why is Mr b spouting synonyms?

MR B:

SYSTEM RESTORE!

JIM:

He’s resetting. The fear of death has made him reboot.  Currently he’s reloading the English language.

MR B:

Loading language. English UK, English American, English International?

JIM:

English UK OF COURSE!

MR B:

Loading English UK.

DR EAGLE:

Tebor! Release the SCREAMING GOOSE!

S/FX: A SCREAMING GOOSE

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. A list of alternative social networks for alternative people.

Number one: DadNap, for dads to share post Sunday lunch sleeping tips.

Number two: FacePaper, share your favourite newspaper faces

Number three: Bitter, send bitters 112 character of sadness and angst.

Number four: MyTube, for adults only.  

Number five: TikTotCats, designed for toddlers who lick cats

Number six: SnapBat, picture sharing for bat lovers and cricketers

Number seven: EMuskMusic, for those that like the sound of rich people having a breakdown

Number eight: InstaNigelFarage, for anyone wanting to destroy stuff for self-gain.

Number nine:  DiscordDisconnect, be anti-social with other people on your own server

Number ten: Pint-Interest, for anyone that likes a pint.    

Number eleven: ReadItAlready for those that think they know something

Number twelve: Twitcher, for those with restless leg syndrome

Be social!

JIM EXITS THE SOUNDBOOTH

MR B:

You forgot one.

JIM:

Really? Which social network would that be? Pray tell Mr b?

MR B:

MimeHouse. A social audio app for mime artists.

JIM:

I see.

MR B:

No you don’t. That’s the point.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[CLAPPING] The script if you please mes enfants idiots!

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: GOOSE HONKING

DR EAGLE:

Fly my pretty!

S/FX: VERY LOUD GOOSE HONKING

JIM:

Erm…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Your screaming goose has NOT dispersed the town’s people Dr Eagle.

DR EAGLE

Nein! But it was funny, no?

MR B:

I found it funny. Loading updates. Loading music, Loading anti-virus, loading empathy…

QUEEN ELEANOR:
How long before Mr b is reset?   

MR B:

Seventy-two hours and three seconds.

JIM:

You should never trust what the software says. Fortunately, Mr b doesn’t run on Windows. He has his own O.S., Operating System.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Which operating system does Mr b run on?

JIM:
Java X. A coffee-based alternative to Mac OS and it’s open source. Now if only I could think of something creative to get us out of this all-is-lost situation.

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

You know how your thoughts are guided by what you read in the news? Do you read a newspaper? Do you just take news online? How would you describe your political leanings? Well, challenge that. Read a newspaper or website directly opposed to what you believe in. Construct an argument for a news story / opinion piece that you disagree with.

Why is this a tip? Well, if you are creating something you will bring your prejudice to that project. It’s only natural. Approaching from the opposite direction will generate an alternative you may never have had. Something new this way comes.

Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Empathy loaded. Loading optimism!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That’s good news! We can get the podcast back to St Albans. I have a Krav Maga lesson at two…

JIM:

Wait!

MR B:

Rebooting!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

How long is Mr b rebooting going to take?

JIM:

I’ve no idea. I’ve not seen Mr b do a full reinstall and reboot before.

S/FX: DISTANT SOUND OF AN ANGRY CROWD

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Is there a way of speeding Mr b up?

JIM:

Mr b has a first-generation hard drive. He’s not a solid state.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Meaning?

JIM:

We could try some percussive maintenance.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Which is?

JIM:

Hitting him around the head several times.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Why didn’t you say earlier?

S/FX: SLAPPING SOUND

JIM:

Why did you slap me?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s always a good idea to slap you. It will keep you on your toes for future episodes. You pomme de terre!

S/FX: SLAPPNG SOUND

MR B:

Your Majesty, you called.

S/FX: DISTANT SOUND OF AN ANGRY CROWD

JIM:
Listen carefully Mr b. This is the current situation…

S/FX: SPEEDED UP VOICE FOR A FEW BEATS

MR B:

I see. My view is Dr Eagle is a plot point from an episode Jim scrapped several months ago. Tebor is a delightful experiment. I must try a monster experiment. Mr Boeuf should be released, Nigel should get his own Spotify playlist and we should get the hell out of here and back to St Albans in time for the British F1 Grand Prix. And… we may be at the start of the duvet industry.

JIM:

Yes! What?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes! What?

S/FX: GEESE HONKING

JIM:

Erm… exactly how do we get back to St Albans Mr b?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You have a plan Mr Astucieux?

DR EAGLE:

I’VE HAD ENOUGH! I come to Rio Goose to escape the angry villagers who don’t like monsters! And now I am surrounded by angry towns people obsessed with geese! Tebor! Tebor open the door!

S/FX: A HEAVY CUPBOARD SCRAPING ACROSS A WOODEN FLOOR

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NON!

JIM:

Stop him!

MR BOEUF:

Not so fast strangers!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What happened to Nigel?

MR BOEUF:

I bribed him.

S/FX: HARMONICA PLAYS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Very clever Mr Beef. Nigel cannot resist playing with his instrument.

S/FX: A GOOSE HONKING

MR B:

TAKE THAT, YOU VILLAIN!

S/FX: GOOSE WINGS FLAPPING, GOOSE HONKING

MR BOEUF:

MY EYES!

JIM:

What the…?

DR EAGLE:

You’ll never take me alive!

MR B:

TAKE THAT, YOU VILLAIN!

S/FX: GOOSE WINGS FLAPPING, GOOSE HONKING

DR EAGLE:

MY EYES!

JIM:

WHAT THE…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What the [BEEP]!

MR B:

No time to explain. FOLLOW ME!

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Are you OK Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well, Mr b, yes, I am.  

MR B:

Another close-run thing. I wonder why this keeps happening to Jelly Trumpet? You know, you write an episode, it gets out of hand, we almost get undone. I am starting to believe that Jelly Trumpet, the outlaw podcast, is writing itself.

S/FX: WHISTLING

JIM:

I know. I’ve had the same feeling for some episodes now.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It is fate gentlemen, just our fate.

JIM:

One thing Mr b?

MR B:

Yes Mr Jim?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The geese Mr b, the geese?

MR B:
How did I know?

JIM:

That once we released them they would attack the town’s people?

MR B:

The Mocha-Cola & ACME food Mr Jim. In those days Mocha-Cola used real cocaine in their goose food.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hence, they became very irritable, honked excessively, became reckless and chased the town’s people?

MR B:

Exactly!

S/FX: A SINGLE HONK

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That’s not funny Nigel!

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

The rag-tag crew just survived a Zombie apocalypse on an upturned cruise liner in the Caribbean with the help of a machinegun wielding chimpanzee.

In this Episode

 Mr b has a new hobby which leads our crew into great danger. Will they survive the trial of Lavender Cottage, even with the help of the… Conspiracy Chihuahua?

Where were they keeping Sherlock Holmes? How many worldwide conspiracies will the crew uncover?

Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Episode 07 – Conspiracy Chihuahua

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

Mr B:

What you writing Jim?

JIM:

I’m writing a new part for Eddie.

MR B:

Eddie the mime artist?

JIM:

The same. Look what I’ve written so far.

MR B:

[READING] Eddie enters the Jelly Trumpet studio. Eddie has recently retrained from a website User Experience Developer to being a mime artist. Eddie likes mime challenges. He picks up a golden envelope…

JIM:

…And Eddie opens the envelope and accepts his first mime challenge. ‘Eddie please mime Schrodinger’s Cat’.

MR B:

Is that the experiment that illustrates the paradox of quantum superposition?

JIM:

The same. A thought experiment. A hypothetical cat is sealed in a box with some poison. So, is the cat simultaneously alive and dead?

MR B:

Quite a challenge to mime.

JIM:

Yes, it is. Eddie’s been doing very well with the challenges. One more element for this one though.

S/FX: SOUND OF HAMMERING

MR B:

Is it necessary to nail Eddie INTO the box?

JIM:

It is Mr b. It’s called science.

MR B:

Right o.’ 

S/FX: DUCK QUACKING

JIM:

What was that?

MR B:

You mean that thing with a beak, feathers and wet webbed feet?

JIM:

Yes.

MR B:

It’s a chicken. [A BEAT] [UBER SARCASTIC] To be exact it’s a rare Arctic swimming chicken, with a kazoo glued to its face.

JIM:

Really?

MR B:

No Jim.

JIM:

I see.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That is Gerald.

JIM

Gerald? Gerald the duck? Why does an outlaw podcast like ours need a duck?

MR B:

Could be useful if we need something retrieved from a pond.

JIM:

O’, it’s a retriever duck is it?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nonsense! The pair of you are testing my LEGENDARY patience. Gerald is for Nigel.

MR B:

What?

JIM:

Why?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Gerald is an emotional support duck.

TONY:

Shall I do the trailer now?

MR B:

A moment please Tony.

JIM:

Why does Nigel, our squirrel, the size of a St Bernard dog, need an emotional support duck?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He has Obesophobia.

MR B:

O’, No!

JIM:

Is it catchy?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It is a fear of being overweight. Gerald calms Nigel’s fear of being paunchy.

S/FX: QUACK FOLLOWED BY A CHIRP FROM NIGEL

JIM:

Sorry Nigel…

MR B:

Hit it Tony!

TONY:

Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

• Creative challenges!
• The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
• A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’

Plus:

• Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
• We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] Now for a really good biscuit.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES

JIM:

I really must get a hobby. Hello, what’s this?

MR B:

But you have your love of cooking and your collection of Moluccan beer bottle caps?

JIM:

It’s not active enough Mr b. What are your hobbies this week Mr b?

MR B:

Well, this week I’ve taken up genetic engineering.

JIM:

I see.

MR B:

Would you like to meet him?

JIM:

Yes. What? Who?

MR B:

Tarrah!

S/FX: A COUPLE OF SOFT YAPS FROM A SMALL DOG

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What do you have there Mr Jim?

JIM:

O’ this? Not sure. It’s a black box, quite mysterious really. That lady left it this morning. The one with the Nordic Walking Poles. What is that barking thing Mr b?

MR B:

Edgar. This is Edgar, my latest creation.

JIM:

That’s a Chihuahua Mr b. Do you have any hobbies your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I just like having a bath… with, how you should say? A scrubber.

JIM:

Quite. I can’t open the box. It seems stuck.

MR B:

This isn’t any ordinary Chihuahua Mr Jim. Edgar has been engineered to sniff out conspiracies.

S/FX:  A COUPLE OF SMALL DOG YAPS

JIM:

I wonder what is inside this mysterious black box? How forgetful of the Nordic Walking Pole lady.

S/FX: A SOFT DOG GROWL

MR B:

Now Edgar…

JIM:

Why’s he pointing at this black box?

MR B:

He’s a Pointer Chihuahua. He points at danger…

JIM:

So, Edgar not only sniffs out conspiracies he can point at Danger? What sort of danger? If only… er… is this mysterious black box dangerous do you think your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[AS IF TO TWO STUPID CHILDREN] If only we had a detective…

MR B:

If only we had a detective.

JIM:

Yes. Yes. If only we had a detective…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[GENTLY PATRONISING] Perhaps we should look in the cupboard?

JIM:

Perhaps we should look in the cupboard? Why?

MR B:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson! Remember? We picked them up in season two, episode ten. They’re both still in the cupboard watching ‘The Crown’ on repeat!

JIM:

O’ yes! Thought they’d come in handy. Open the cupboard Mr b!

S/FX: CUPBOARD DOOR OPENING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, well, well…

JIM:

NOT THAT ONE!

[TWO BEATS]

MR B:

Well, hello.

MISS S:

[GERMAN ACCENT] Guten Morgen.

[A BEAT]

MR B:

And this is?

JIM:

Well, this is, erm Miss S.

MR B:

And Miss S is what exactly?

JIM:

Miss S is our emergency dominatrix.

MR B:

What do we need emergency dominatrix for?

JIM:

In case we are troubled by Daily Mail readers.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bonne idée mot homme.

MR B:

O’, I see. Sorry Miss S, I was looking for Sherlock Holmes.

MISS S:

[GERMAN ACCENT] You know you deserve it… [A BEAT] next cupboard along.

S/FX:  CUPBOARD BEING CLOSED ABRUPTLY

JIM:

The next cupboard Mr b.

S/FX: CUPBOARD DOOR BEING OPENED

QUEEN ELEANOR:

There we are! Mr Holmes. Dr Watson.

SHERLOCK:

Good day. You wanted me, Sherlock Holmes, master of detection, deduction and modesty. Could I have some more tea?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Holmes, we need your ideas about this mysterious black box.

SHERLOCK:

Dr Watson, my hat.

DR WATSON:

[MUMBLES IN A DRUNKEN MANNER] Errrg!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY. A DUCK QUACK

JIM:

This mysterious black box was left in the studio Mr Holmes.

SHERLOCK:

Very well doctor, have the hat steam cleaned and returned for tomorrow morning. What did the lady that left the mysterious black box look like? Wait. I see. She was worried, scratching her, right, no wait, scratching her left ear. A Nordic association perhaps?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Magniciient Mr Holmes. The Nordic lady had a theory.

JIM:

Golly he’s good! Nordic lady mentioned something about a boy band didn’t she Mr b?

MR B:

That’s right. She was convinced that the boy band ‘Take That’ are all giant lizard people bent on taking over the ears of everyone over fifty. She wanted us to help with a podcast to get the truth out there. Now we have launched Jelly Trumpet Studios, the podcast production studios for those that like to go out on a limb. We’re going to be Internet multimillionaires!

SHERLOCK:

The lady was disturbed, hence forgetting the box. She cared for it, see this corner was repaired recently, left-handed, excellent teeth and enjoys whistling. Would you agree Dr Watson?

DR WATSON:

[MUMBLES IN A DRUNKEN MANNER]

SHERLOCK:

Quite right Doctor. I agree. Now, if you can show me to the nearest Hansom cab, we shall adjourn to Baker Street.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You’re forgetting something Mr Holmes are you not?

MR B:

We’re very sorry Mr Holmes but we travelled back to 1887 and, well, we [LAUGHS] picked you and the Doctor up and, well… we didn’t put you back.

SHERLOCK:

I see. And the Hansom cab?

MR B:

In this time Mr Holmes we travel by Uber.

SHERLOCK:

You use Ubba? The Viking? 9^th century commander of the Great Heathen Army, as a Hansom cab driver?

JIM:

Right. Bit of confusion here. Uber with an ‘er’, not Ubba with an ‘a’. Your Majesty.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I too have been stolen from time Mr Holmes. One day, one day, SOON! Mr b will work out how to make the podcast go back to my time, THE CORRECT TIME!

MR B:

[NERVOUS] Well, yes. You see it was an experiment and the steam wasn’t up to… to… to…

[A BEAT]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Will you help us Mr Holmes?

SHERLOCK:

Certainly, your Majesty… First! [A BEAT] Can I have some more tea?

JIM:

Right, erm. Good!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where do we find the lady Mr Holmes?

SHERLOCK:

Simple. We will find the lady in a cottage below an abandoned windmill on the Kent coast. There’s a brass lamp to the right of the door, a dozen pots of Lavender on the left. I am unsure of the cottage name. It will come to me. I believe we will also find a small statue of a black fish above the door. Gentlemen, your Majesty, we will return the Nordic’s mysterious box to this… cottage. The black box appears to be ticking. Mr b? Call me a Viking.

MR B:

YOU’RE A VIKING! O’ [A BEAT] Right O’ Mr Holmes, Uber with an ‘er’. Just opening the Uber app.

DR WATSON:

[MUMBLES IN A DRUNKEN MANNER]

SHERLOCK:

And some bacon rashers and eggs for Dr Watson. He’s feeling fragile again.

JIM:

Now what…?

SHERLOCK:

Tea perhaps?

TONY:

Challenge at home!

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM:

This challenge is called ‘Draw it Again.’ Select an everyday object, say a plant. Draw that object every day for a week or more if you fancy.

After a few days attend to the details of the drawing. Do you see anything new as you examine the object every day? This exercise is about extreme focus, so take your time in your examination of the object. This relaxed focus will improve your attention to detail and should help you notice new elements in whatever work you do.

Tell us about your insights, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.

JIM EXITS THE SOUNDBOOTH

I wonder where the podcast is now?

MR B:

I think slightly left of reason and a pinch south of frivolity.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nous marchons sur le Kent!

JIM:

Was that in the script? You’re not rewriting my scripts are you?

MR B:

Perish the thought Mr Jim. I’ll get the buttons ready. That’s in the script.

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

MR B:

No need for a cab Mr Holmes! Have podcast, can travel. Watch this! Selecting F4, F5, the Alt Key, pressing the blue button and punching the steam valve…

SF/FX: WHIRRING SOUND AS THE PODCAST TRAVELS ACROSS ENGLAND TO KENT

S/FX: THE PODCAST LANDS WITH A THUMP

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You are getting good at this Mr b! Pity you can’t get land us in the right place EVERY time.

MR B:

[MUMBLING] I am trying.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS, EDGAR GROWLS

JIM:

Right. Here we are…erm… Did you have to bring Edgar?

S/FX: SOUND OF A TWITTER NOTIFICATION

MR B:

Edgar will point out any danger or conspiracies…

JIM:

Conspiracies, my a… aftermath. [HE LAUGHS]? What was that Twitter notification Mr b? Could it be important?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Easy mon Nigel. Here we are… ready for shenanigans.

S/FX: QUACK OF A DUCK

QUEEN ELEANOR (cont.):

Nigel! Keep Gerald quiet.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

It’s like travelling with the wallabies from Whipsnade Zoo…

MR B:

Nothing important JIm. I’m having a Twitter-spat with Elton Muskox.

JIM:

The social networking billionaire?

MR B:

No this is a different social networking billionaire. He owns that new social platform, the upcoming rival to Twitter, you know the one, send negative messages to anyone in the world instantly. It’s called Bitter.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Gentlemen! Enough! We must get on. Now! Mr Holmes is correct. The pots of Lavender, the brass lamp and the statue of a black fish above the door. Look at the sign! This place is called Lavender Cottage. Bravo Mr Holmes! Pity you didn’t get the name.

SHERLOCK:

I see Lavender but sense something else your Majesty. Dr Watson! Your finger please.

DR WATSON:

[MUMBLES DRUNK]

JIM:

O’ God! What’s he going to do with his finger?!

MR B:

Look at the size of his digit!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He is pressing the doorbell Mr Jim. Really! Sometimes you are just a drama queen in search of a drag race.

JIM:

Drag Race? How does her Majesty know about drag?

MR B:

[HEAVILY SARCASTIC] Television Mr Jim. It’s catching on. Eastenders has been going for over thirty years…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[EASTENDER ACCENT] Get out of my windmill, you nag!

MR B:

Shouldn’t that be [EASTENDER ACCENT] ‘Get out of my pub, you s…’

JIM:

No Mr b! We will not use such a word on Jelly Trumpet.

SHERLOCK:

If you would good doctor…

DR WATSON:

[MUMBLES DRUNK] Ding Dong!

S/FX: THE SOUND OF A DEATH BELL TOLLING

MR B:

I wasn’t expecting that.

JIM:

Who’d expect a tolling bell of death…

SHERLOCK:

It was obvious, bald person. Follow me.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Come on boys.

S/FX: DOOR CREAKING OPEN

S/FX: A BLEND OF SQUIRREL CHIRPS, YAPPY DOG AND DUCK QUACKS

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: TIKTOKBRYST

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.

This episode is: ‘TikTokBryst’

THE SCENE: A DANISH LIVE TIKTOK SHOW. SELLING ALL MANNER OF PRODUCTS LIVE OVER THE INTERNET

S/FX: BURST OF A JAUNTY TUNE

PETAR:

[DANISH ACCENT] Welcome! Welcome to TikTokBryst! The number one live selling show in Denmark. Boy! Do we have some herring for you! Only kidding! I’m Petar Hans Larson, your host. Boy! Do we have a show for you today. Our special guest is Mary an entrepreneur from England. Mary, welcome to TikTokBryst!

MARY:

Thank you, Petar. I was meaning to ask what bryst means?

PETAR:

Breast Mary! Boy, have we got some Danish stories for you! It’s not just herrings, body parts and Sandi Toksvig, here in Aarhus! Now Mary, you have a product to launch?

MARY:

Yes. Thank you, Petar. As you can see on the table here, we have a range of makeup. Makeup for babies. Called BabyMaker, ‘make them cute, hide the dribbles’, still working on the tag line…

PETAR:

This is brilliant Mary! Wonderful! Just what we parents need. Do help yourself to a smørrebrød, our world-famous open-faced sandwich, there’s mayo, raw onion and a bowl of super-hot-hot-hot mustard! Do tell us more. O’, bring on the baby please!

S/FX: SOFT GURGLING OF A BABY

MARY:

O’, he’s quite heavy. Let me… I’ll just get a good grip. Now we’re going to apply the concealer, hide the dribbles. What’s his name?

PETAR:

Jorst, Jorst Flicker.

S/FX: A QUIET BABY CRY

MARY:

We’re also going to apply some bronzer. I mean this little fellow is rather pale.

S/FX: BABY GURGLE

PETAR:

He’s Danish. The sun is our enemy. How much bronzer do you apply Mary?

MARY:

Well, Petar. It does depend on the size of the baby and the paleness. So, I think for this little fellow a handful and a half.

S/FX: SPLOG OF CREAM HITTING A FACE

PETAR:

How long does the baby bronzer last Mary?

MARY:

Well, Petar, we use a highly absorbent sponge and we apply in broad strokes. Across the forehead and… down the cheeks, over the nose… and your baby is concealed all day.

PETAR:

Boy, Mary the bronzer is very yellow.

MARY:

Our BabyMaker bronzer, ‘make ‘em bronze, make ‘em interesting’, have to work on that tag line. Well, it dries, erm… darker.

S/FX: BABY BEGINNING TO CRY LOUDER

PETAR:

What is the bronzer made from Mary?

MARY:

It’s mainly shea butter with sage, JoJoba and natural colouring. Golly, he’s gone bright yellow…

PETAR:

And somewhat red Mary. Wait!

MARY:

What are you doing Petar? You can’t eat the bronzer.

PETAR:

That’s not bronzer Mary. That’s the super-hot-hot-hot mustard.

S/FX: BABY BEGINNING TO CRY LOUDER AND LOUDER

MARY:

O’…

PETAR:

What you have here Mary is an open-faced-baby…  sandwich.

MARY:

He looks good enough to eat.

S/FX: BABY CRYING VERY LOUDLY

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

S/FX: EDGAR YAPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is it, Edgar?

JIM:

He’s pointing over there Mr b. Now, is he pointing at a conspiracy or is he pointing at danger?

MR B:

I could train him to use his right paw for conspiracies and his left for danger…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

A bit late for that Mr b…

SHERLOCK:

Moving along. What we have here is a classic switch. Obviously, this is a den for conspiracy theories. See, the picture of the moon landings, the cover of the Abbey Road album, a satanic cross weaved into Gerri Halliwell’s hair, all well-known conspiracies.

JIM:

What’s this to do with the lady and this mysterious bloack box? A box, which is now whistling, Gerri Halliwell?

S/FX: A SUBTLE WHISTLING SOUND

MR B:

Whistling? I’d say that is more of a hum, like when some jolly nice steam gets trapped in your swimming trunks…

JIM:

What?

MR B:

Moving on.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Please go on Mr Holmes. Before one of them says something knowledgeable. 

SHERLOCK:

As I was saying, we are in a den of conspiracy, a factory of mishearing, misthinking and misspelling. Witness this, a surveillance drone disguised as a pigeon.

JIM:

That’s a new conspiracy, is it?

MR B:

Misspelling?

SHERLOCK:

An old conspiracy er… bald person. This book entitled ‘The Earth is really Fat’. Should be ‘The Earth is really flat’.

JIM:

About the pigeon Mr Holmes?

SHERLOCK:

It’s a common thought in America, where most thoughts are common. That birds are not real. Rather they are surveillance drones made by the US government. Dr Watson, please put the duck down… we have work to do.

S/FX: DUCK QUACK

DR WATSON:

[DRUNK MUMBLING] Ding Dong!

MR B:

There are literally dozens of conspiracies! It’s a conspiracy factory.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is the conspiracy in this picture? The smug eyes and smugger chin, reminds me of someone Mot Homme?

JIM:

That one? That one’s been around a long time. It’s that James Corden is a comedian.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And this one. The picture of the lady with the face that looks like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, or anywhere else?

MR B:

That’s Gwyneth Paltrow. It has been suggested she may like people without money.

SHERLOCK:

The game is afoot!

JIM:

What?

SHERLOCK:

See here? It’s a football.

S/FX: A FOOTBALL BEING KICKED

S/FX: WINDOW BREAKING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Quick! I saw something through the window…

S/FX: FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING PLUS A CHIRP, A YAP AND A QUACK

TONY:

O’ dear o’ dear, o’ dear. Will the Jelly Trumpet crew survive ‘The House of Conspiracies?’ Who is the mysterious woman? Why Nordic Walking poles? What is in the whistling box? [YAWNS] eh? Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.

I love ducks.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

JIM INTRODUCES GUEST

END

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: BURST OF DANGER MUSIC

MR B:

Where did her Majesty go?

JIM:

Through there, the kitchen, the back door is open.

SHERLOCK:

Caution gentlemen. We will take this one step at a time. I sense danger and the presence of someone, someone… dark. Step carefully now.

JIM:

She could be hurt!

MR B:

Wait Jim. Why Mr Holmes?

SHERLOCK:

Because of the disguised trap…

S/FX: A SHORT SCREAM

SHERLOCK (cont.)

…door. Dr Watson! Find a ladder and extract those two… gentlemen from the cellar. Then join me in the garden.

DR WATSON:

[MUMBLES DRUNK] Ding dong!

SHERLOCK:

Hardly ding-dong doctor. More Ping pong BANG! There appears to be more than one conspiracy game afoot.

S/FX: A DISTANT YAPPING OF A DOG

S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

• Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
• And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to come up with as many celebrity tv show formats for Channel 5.

JIM:

This should be easy…

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Moving on.

JIM EXITS SOUNDBOOTH

JIM:

I said I’d practice more!

MR B:

We’ve talked about this Jim. How much you should practice! Remember? Toy Story? Buzz Lightyear’s catch phrase?

JIM:

Yes! ‘To infinity and beyond!’

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s not enough. Continuer!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: BIRD SONG

SHERLOCK:

NOT SO FAST LADY OF MYSTERY! OR SHOULD THAT BE MS ENID CULPEPPER? Nordic Pole walker and queen of conspiracies…

JIM:

[SLIGHTLY BREATHLESS] Did we miss something? Is her Majesty alright?

MR B:

Queenie! Queenie!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I’m here boys.

MR B:

Thank God!

SHERLOCK:

Do you mind gentlemen. I am revealing the villain of the piece.

DR WATSON:

[DRUNK MUMBLING]

SHERLOCK:

Yes doctor, the handcuffs but not the leg irons. Now come quietly Ms Enid or should I call you Professor Jane Moriarty! You are unmasked madam!

JIM:

Blimey!

MR B:

Well, whatever next?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

But you have not unmasked the villain Mr Holmes.

SHERLOCK:

I beg your pardon your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The villain is wearing a mask.

SHERLOCK:

Good God! I have made an error. Dr Watson, please don’t take note.

DR WATSON:

[DRUNK MUMBLING]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The eyes are a little bit too sunken. Nigel the mask! [CLAPPING HANDS] Rapide!

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

S/FX: RIPPING OF SOMETHING LIKE A PLASTIC STICKER

JIM:

Well, I never…

MR B:
It can’t be!

RIFF: 7

S/FX: MUSIC FOR A MOMENT IN TIME FOR 2 – 3 BEATS

S/FX: GROWLING OF A SMALL DOG, A QUACK AND SOME CHIRPPING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s the Dark Kipper!

MR B:

The Dark Kipper!

JIM:

The Dark Kipper, blimey.

SHERLOCK:

Yes. It’s the Dark Kipper.

ENID:

No.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No?

MR B:

No?

JIM:

No?

SHERLOCK:

No.

DR WATSON:

[DRUNK MUMBLING]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Then who?

SHERLOCK:

Professor Jane Moriarty. Younger sister to the villain Professor James Moriarty.

ENID:

No, so-called Sherlock Holmes…

SHERLOCK:

It’s my name.

ENID:

Is it?

S/FX: RIPPING PLASTIC

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

Who’s that then?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who indeed?

MR B:

Do we know her?

SHERLOCK:

Whatever next?

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. Things to change the world of online dating.

Number one: Every profile to contain at least one cat.

Number two: Every profile to contain a map of where you’ve been if it states ‘I love to travel’

Number three: Provide a picture of the settee, the streaming service AND the glass of wine.  

Number four: If you have a great sense of humour, please explain why?  

Number five: I’ll finish this later. You won’t though, eh?

Number six: Must like dogs? O’ she’s Korean.   

Number seven: Of course, your family is important to you. What about vodka?

Number eight: ‘I’m equally as comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt as I am in a cocktail dress and heels’ Really Simon?

Number nine: ‘I’m terrible at talking about myself.’ Well, write it down, o’ you have.  

Number ten: So, you like going out AND staying in? So do bees.   

Number eleven: Don’t get in contact if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. I do know… that I won’t be dating such a grammar-fascist.

Number twelve: ‘My friends say I’m… no they don’t. You made that up.

Make dating saner.

JIM EXITS SOUNDBOOTH

Dating is an art.

MR B:

And who are you currently in a relationship with Jim?

JIM:

I take your point Mr b.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well?

JIM:

A cat called John.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And?

JIM:

An off licence in Park Street. Any chance of a coffee and a biscuit?

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

ENID:

It is I!

MR B:

Still not sure. Mr Jim?

JIM:

Nope.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non. Pas certain.

MR B:

Mr Holmes?

SHERLOCK:

I’m rather flummoxed. Should we know you?

ENID:
It is I! [A BEAT] Nordic Walking Pole lady!  

MR B;

Well, that’s solved then. Anyone for an Americano, with a little Lotus Biscoff biscuit on the side?

JIM:

A Lotus Biscoff is delightful, milk on the side please Mr b.

SHERLOCK:

Come Doctor Watson. The mystery is solved. We can return to binge watch more episodes of ‘The Crown.’ And some tea.

ENID:
Come back! I know why the caged bird sings…

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

Holding that thought is the subject of this episode’s creative medicine tip. Sounds simple. It is. You can do this with an idea you like for a creative project. You can hold a business problem in your head. Make sure it is a concrete. That is you have defined it. For example ‘I like the idea of a new conspiracy theory’ or how can I make my business more engaging on Instagram? Hold it. Your mind is going to wander. That’s normal. Gently bring your mind back to the idea or problem. Do this for five minutes. Repeat three times throughout the day. Now dismiss it. More often than not the idea or the problem will bloom.

Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

You what?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

ENID:

I know why the caged bird sings.

JIM:

I see. Would that be singing for freedom from oppression and abuse?

ENID:

Yes.

MR B:

Well, that’s cool…

JIM:

Yes it is.

SHERLOCK:

Which episode of ‘The Crown’ were we on doctor?

DR WATSON:

[DRUNK MUMBLING]

SHERLOCK:

Are you sure doctor? Indeed, Princess Margret was a handful.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I need a bath. A bath and a good scrub…

JIM:

Am I missing something?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

O’ yes. What’s in the box?

JIM:

That’s right! Well, Nordic Walking Pole lady you can take your mysterious black box back.

ENID:

I will show you. Then you WILL ALL PAY!

JIM:

Well, well, well, well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s an alarm clock, a steam whistle and the collected works of David Icke and all the QAnon conspiracies. And what is this turquoise button?

MR B:

A turquoisebutton eh?

SHERLOCK:

All as s I expected. Make haste doctor! Don’t forget the salted meat and cress sandwiches.

MR B:

Well done Mr Holmes.

JIM:
Excellent Mr Holmes. Well, that’s that then.

MR B:

All aboard the podcast! Back to blighty and some flavoursome sandwiches. Hurrah!

JIM:

HURRAH!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

HURRAH!

S/FX: A QUACK, A CHIRP AND TWO DOG YAPS

SHERLOCK:

Excellent. Erm, people.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Holmes. Why did she have a steam whistle, an alarm clock and the collected works of David Icke and QAnon, in the mysterious black box?

SHERLOCK:

The mysterious black box madam, is a conspiracy starter kit. But there is more.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Conspiracy starter kit? More?

MR B:

We’ll be back in St Albans in no time. I’m thinking I’ll add two presses of the orange button, for… erm…science reasons [DOUBTFUL] you know.

JIM:

What will two presses of the orange button do?

MR B:

The orange button? It, well…it… [SUDDEN THOUGHT] it reduces, podcast drag.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Wait. Mr Holmes. What else is there to the mysterious black box?

SHERLOCK:

Two things. First, the identity of QAnon.

MR B:

QAnon? Is that the wide-ranging, completely unfounded conspiracy that says that President Trump was waging a secret war against elite Satan-worshippers in government, business and the media? Q being the person who started it all with messages on the 4chan message board?

SHERLOCK:

That is correct.

JIM:

So, the secret is in the box we just gave back to the Nordic Walking Pole lady?

SHERLOCK:

Indeed.

MR B:

Golly.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Holmes? What else does the box contain? What does the turquoise button do?

SHERLOCK:

If you please. I will now save your lives. We will now all jump into the basement…

S/FX: AN EXPLOSION

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Frankly Mr Jim, that was yet another terrifying episode. I mean it started is such an innocent manner.

JIM:

Well, Mr b, that’s script writing for you. Twists, turns, blind alleys, false endings and a large helping of small animals.

MR B:

It’s a shame we’ll never know who QAnon is.

S/FX: SPLASHING OF BATH WATER

JIM:

O’, I know who it is.

MR B:

Really Mr Jim?

JIM:

Yes. It’s a nutter.

MR B:

[SOTTO VOCE] Now, where can I get a turquoise button?

QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:

I’M READY!

JIM:
Mr b? Why is Spen, our resident guitarist and all-round magnificent specimen of a man carrying a large long-handled bath brush and only wearing wellington boots?

MR B:

It’s Queen Eleanor’s bath time.

JIM:

O’, it’s Tuesday.

MR B:

Yes it’s Tuesday.

S/FX: SPLASHING WATER

QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:

You don’t need the boots. Close the door.

SHERLOCK:

[CHUCKLNG] Dr Watson, Princess Margret was certainly a hoot.

S/FX: A DOOR CLOSING

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

The crew landed on an upturned cruise liner in the Caribbean during a zombie apocalypse.

In this Episode

 In our Christmas Special the crew of Jelly Trumpet are tasked with solving a mystery. Why are all the church organists in St Albans either disappearing or found with a banjo glued to their hands?

Who is Dr Fibbs? Is he the fiend responsible for these sacrelgious crimes? Why does he employ a mute and a monkey at his museum, The St Alban’s Industrial Organ, Steam Pram & Waxworks Museum?

Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Christmas Special

ACT 1

RIFF 1

Wrapping A Reindeer

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME WITH ADDED SLEIGH BELLS

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet Studios, two blokes and a medieval queen trying to make a podcast about creativity.

The Jelly Trumpet crew:

• Jim, the writer, has a loose grasp on reality
• Mr b, the inventor, understands reality but doesn’t like it.
• Queen Eleanor of the Aquitaine, yes that one. Time travel you see.
  
  

Plus:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel
• Spen, a guitarist, his axe does his talking
• cMac, Mr b’s multi-purpose gizmo
• and ME! Tony, the voice over guy!

Previously on Jelly Trumpet! Season four was a magical tour de force of shenanigans.

In this episode, It’s Always The Knights Templar, it’s the Jelly Trumpet Christmas special! Packed with mince pies, Christmas crackers and a mystery. Feast on this!

RIFF 1

Sleighbells Ringing

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME MIXED WITH SLEIGH BELLS

S/FX: SOUND OF PAPER TEARING AND SELLOTAPE BEING PULLED

MR B:

Where did you get a reindeer Mr Jim?

JIM:

Finland.com.

MR B:

I see. Why have you got a reindeer Mr Jim?

JIM:

It’s a Christmas present for Queen Eleanor.

MR B:

Why have you got her Majesty a reindeer?

JIM:

She hasn’t got one. Where is her Majesty? I don’t want her walking in while I’m wrapping Mikko. I want it to be a surprise.

MR B:

She’ll never guess it’s a reindeer Mr Jim. [SARCASTIC] The antlers poking out could be a hatrack. Better hide it though, eh? There’s space in the big cupboard.

S/FX: SLEIGHBELLS

JIM:

I hate Sellotape! Look! I’ve taped myself to the Quality Street.

MR B:

Best take the sleighbells off Mikko, bit of a giveaway that. I’ll get the scissors.

JIM:

Right. Thank you. How hard can it be to wrap a reindeer? Keep still please. What have you got there?

S/FX: SLEIGHBELLS, A REINDEER SNORTS AND SNIP SNIP OF SISSORS

MR B:

A seasonal coffee I’m working on. ‘Figgy Coffee!’ There you go. Now leave the Quality street alone.

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING SHUT

JIM:

Thank you Mr b. I almost became a present myself. Ha Ha. Stay Mikko! Anything on the A.A.R.S.E detector?

MR B:

Nothing Mr Jim. No US Department of Justice and Revenge minions within a three-mile radius.

JIM:

Excellent. We’ll aim to stay free from the clutches of the US Department of Justice and Righteous Revenge. Then get on with becoming the number one creativity podcast in the world. Then we take the podcast back to Free Scotland for New Year’s Eve.

MR B:

Exactly Mr Jim. I’ve lined up a fab guest and I thought you could to a festive list of the week. Just going to test the Christmas tree lights. Three, two one!

S/FX: FIZZ OF ELECTRICITY AND A BANG

JIM:

Are they meant to do that?

MR B:

[PEEVED] Yes Jim! They are exploding Christmas tree lights!

JIM:

I see.

MR B:

No, you don’t.

JIM:

No I don’t. Well… erm… Excellent Mr b. Are these your plums floating in my coffee?

MR B:

My spiced plums, Mr Jim. It’s a seasonal coffee called ‘Gingerbread & Spiced Plums Surprise’.

JIM:

Where’s the Gingerbread?

MR B:

It’s delivered by Evri, so whenever it gets delivered, you’ll get a surprise.

S/FX: SOUND NIGEL CHATTERING

MR B:

Good morning your Majesty!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Good morning, Mr b. I hope the turkey you ordered is fresh?

MR B:

Very fresh your Majesty.

S/FX: A TURKEY GOBBLES

JIM:
GOLLY!

MR B:

Meet Rupert. He’ll be with us on Christmas Day.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That is fresh my petit pieds!

JIM:

I’m not eating a bird with a boy name!

MR B:

What if we called the turkey Carol?

JIM:

That’s different.

JIM:

Anyway, morning your Majesty. Erm… Yes. Nigel appears to be wearing a M.A.G.A. hat. Does Nigel think America is not great enough or has Nigel turned rabidly anti-democracy in his sleep?

A BEAT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non! It is Nigel’s little joke. His M.A.G.A stands for Make America Go Away.

MR B:

Good for the furry faced tree hugger!

S/FX: SOME CHRISTMAS VIBE MUSIC

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Your shoes are on the wrong feet, Mr b.

MR B:

Can’t be Ma’am.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Why is that?

MR B:

I only have one pair of feet.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this on the TV screen?

JIM:

A movie Ma’am, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And on that screen?

MR B:

That’s ‘Home Alone’ and on that screen we have ‘Love Actually’.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I thought you didn’t like Christmas?

MR B & JIM:

We don’t. We like films.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SARCASTIC] So where is Die Hard?

JIM:

Die Hard is not a Christmas film.

MR B:

Most definitely not a Christmas film, Ma’am.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It certainly is! See, it has Alan Rickman in it. He is very Christmasy, is he not?

JIM:

He wasn’t very Christmasy as the Sheriff of Nottingham in ‘Robin Hood’ with Kevin Costner. I mean he cancelled Christmas

MR B:

Quite.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

‘Die Hard’ is the epitome of Christmasy, an estranged husband, Christmas music, Christmas decorations and too many people in a confined space trying to kill each other,

JIM:

Her Majesty has a point.

MR B:

Certainly, has a point.

S/FX: SLEIGHBELL

RIFF 2

Elvis

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My brave boys! I have a petit surprise for you this festive season.

JIM:

O’ God! You’ve found my collection of Agent Provocateur catalogues!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non.

MR B:

O’ No! You’ve joined Utility Warehouse?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non.

JIM:

O’ No! You’ve bought Nigel another harmonica!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non.

MR B:

O’ No! You’ve got a new crown? One for Christmas that features one bottle of Baileys and one bottle of Gaviscon?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non. ENOUGH!

JIM:

You’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s a train?

MR B:

You’ve found a way to turn Jimmy Carr off?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Wait! [TWO BEATS] Non.

JIM:

What could it be?

MR B:

Yes. What could it be?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My advert is published this morning. See! The local newspaper, the St Albans Daily Splatt. Here.

S/FX: RUSTLING OF NEWSPAPER

MR B:

[READING] The Jelly Trumpet Private Investigator Agency, affordable and discrete, you lose it we find it!

JIM:

Well, well, well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I thought it would help us pass the time until we return to Free Scotland. Every Christmas the two of you complain that there is nothing to do! Our detective agency will find lost cats, lost handbags, lost causes, lost cities, lost opportunities and if we are lucky a lost soul.

MR B:

Well, I don’t know if this is a good idea. This could be dangerous and it could ruin my inventing time!

JIM:

It’s only an advert Mr b. You’re inventing of buttons that do all manner of shit [BEEPED OUT]. That’s more dangerous!

MR B:

And your inability to write a sensible plot isn’t?

JIM:

[PEEVED] That last invention of yours! The thermos-nuclear burglar alarm that overheated the podcast?

MR B:

[PEEVED] It worked and it kept the coffee hot!

JIM:

[EVEN MORE PEEVED] You had to sink Jelly Trumpet to the bottom of the sea so the burglary alarm didn’t set off a nuclear explosion.  We almost suffocated AND the coffee was tepid at best!

MR B:

[CHANGING THE SUBJECT] I mean who’s going to employ us as detectives?

JIM:

Yes! What? That’s very unlikely! Ha Ha. No one will use us as detectives!

S/FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR

JIM:

Ah

MR B:

AH!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Ah!

JIM:

Would you answer the door please Tony?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who is it, Tony?

TONY:

Dominos.

JIM:

Now is not the time for foolish board games!

MR B:

Dominos Mr Jim. You know what they are don’t you?

JIM:

Of course, Mr b. Dominos are 28 plastic rectangles covered in dots. Why do I smell toasted cheese?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I ordered some food for Spen, he is looking un petit jaded. Mr b. Tip the man.

S/FX: A SHORT SCREAM FOLLOWED BY A BODY FALLING DOWN STAIRS.

MR B:

Anything else your majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Tip him with money Mr b. Not tip him downstairs.

MR B:

Ah. May have crossed an invisible line. Apologies Ma’am.

ELVIS: [A WOMAN]

Hello. The door was open. I saw your advert in the St Albans Daily Splat. I need your help [SOBS QUIETLY].

JIM:

Erm… better come in. I’m Jim. This is Mr b and this is her Majesty Queen Eleanor of the Aquitaine.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You emplois de noix [NUT JOBS]!! Give the girl a chair.

ELVIS:

I’m Elvis. Elvis Peabody. Well, Elvis Prince Van Halen Backstreet Boy Peabody.

JIM:

Were your parents’ music fans?

ELVIS:

No.

A BEAT

MR B:

Would you like a coffee? We have one with plums.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

MR B! I’ll have your plums!

JIM:

Eh?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I meant remove them.

MR B:

O’.

RIFF 3

The Missing Organists

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS

JIM:

How can we help Ms Peabody?

ELVIS:

I work for St Albans City and District Council. I work in the Garden Waste and Subscription Service. [SOBS] Another cathedral organist has gone missing! [SOBS] and the Christmas Carol Service for Misjudged Children is in TWO DAYS! [SOBS]

JIM:

Erm.

MR B:

Erm?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who is this missing organ?

JIM:

Organ-ist! I don’t follow Ms Peabody. You’re in garden waste yet you are concerned about a missing cathedral organist?

ELVIS:

The council budget is spread very thin. We’re all doing two or three jobs. The council chairman is cleaning road signs, the head of the council tax department is heading up IT, our planning officer is collecting the recycling bins and the Environmental Health Officer is handling out paper hats to the homeless.

JIM:

Erm.

MR B:

Erm?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What about the potholes?

ELVIS:

She’s the second cathedral organist to go missing! And… and… and… the other things this fiend… a fiend… total evil, has done to ALL the other organists in St Albans [SOBS].

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[GENTLY] What else Elvis? What else has this fiend done?

JIM:

This sounds serious.

ELVIS:

The fiend kidnaps anyone that can play the organ and… [SOBS] and they either disappear or we find them with a banjo superglued to their hands!

MR B:

How cruel.

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS

JIM:

The fiend!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We’ve established that, Mot Homme.

MR B:

Did this erm… person who abducted the organists leave any clue?

ELVIS:

He left this note glued to the last organist’s car. Ms Pips was the very las organist we could find. There’s quite a run on them at this time of year… [SOBS] Look at the note!

MR B:

[READING] ‘The Seven Trumpets of Christmas. By my trumpeting you shall know my name’.

JIM:

Seven Trumpets?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It is a corruption of the Seven Trumpets or divine judgements. It is from the book of Revelation. [A BEAT] The bible, you dolts.

JIM:

This is getting out of hand. Shouldn’t we stick to finding lost cats? That’s more Christmasy.

MR B:

See here! There’s a picture of a crown on the back of the note and… a red smudge. Could it be a red cross.

JIM:

Could be a smudge. Could be a red cross… Got it! It’s the Knights Templar. It’s always the Knights Templar.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Really, Mr Jim. You and your fancy imagination. The Knights Templar do not exist anymore.

MR B:

Are there any crowns in St Albans?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That pub near the railway station.

JIM:

O’, yes. We need more information Ms Pip’s organs and…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

This is a clue! We will go to this pub, The Crown and look for a red cross. It may lead us to the missing organs.

JIM:

Organi-ists! Who do we know, who knows about massive organs?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well…

JIM:

Do you know an organist Mr b?

MR B:

Yes.

JIM:

Who?

MR B:

Ray Manzarek. He’s the organist for The Doors; you know that band.

JIM:

Could he help?

MR B:

No. He’s dead.

JIM:

There must be a local organ expert.

QUEEN ELEANOR LAUGHS

MR B:

Now… that would be.. I remember! The St Albans Industrial Organ, Steam Pram & Waxworks Museum, just off Hatfield Road.

ELVIS:

I’ll be going. I’m catching stray dogs at ten.

JIM:

They’re heavy you know. Better be careful.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Goodbye Elvis. We will let you know what we find. Boys, we will visit this museum first then follow the clue to the Crown pub.

JIM:

We’re with you!

MR B:

FOR ALL MANKIND!

S/FX: SHORT JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND A FEW BITS OF ORGAN MUSIC

RIFF 4

Ms Loot

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I’d I’m telling you Die Hard is a Christmas movie!

JIM:

Explain Mr b.

MR B:

Die Hard is not considered a Christmas movie your Majesty because it’s fundamentally an action film with violence and adult themes, not a story centered on holiday spirit or traditional Christmas themes. I grant you that it is set during a Christmas Eve party, but I would argue this only makes it a movie at Christmas, not a Christmas movie.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Tu es un idiot de geek [YOU ARE A GEEK IDIOT]!

JIM:

I must say I was expecting something a bit different. This is rather a plain building to be housing organs and prams and waxworks. Best ring the bell Mr b.

MR B:

Ringing bell now…

S/FX: ORGAN MUSIC

JIM:

How odd.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

All organs are slightly different Mot Homme.

JIM:

Quite.

S/FX: A BUZZER AND A DOOR OPENING

JIM:

Hello?

MR B:

Certainly, a lot of organs on display, not to mention steam prams and all those waxwork figures. These tableaux are quite unsettling, so life like. Like someone shouted “Freeze” on the Jools Holland show.  

DR FIBS:

Can I help you?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We were looking for some organ advice.

JIM:

We’re the Jelly Trumpet agency, private detectives.

DR FIBS:

I’ve been expecting you.

MR B:

How…

S/FX: A DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN

JIM:

WHAT THE?!

DR FIBS:

This is my assistant Ms Loot and this is my monkey, Nigel Quisling.

S/FX: MONKEY SOUND

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS

S/FX: SHORT SOUND OF A SCUFFLE

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non, Nigel. Put the Quisling monkey down! You have enough toys!

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS IN AN AGGRIEVED FASHION

JIM:

I can’t quite place your accent.

DR FIBS:

I am Dutch.

JIM:

And Ms Loot?

DR FIBS:

Ms Loot is a mute. She was brought up in Scotland.

JIM:

Really? Whereabout?

DR FIBS:

The Isle of Bute.

JIM:

So, Ms Loot is a mute from Bute?

DR FIBS:

Ja.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We were hoping you could shed some light on the missing cathedral organists.

DR FIBS:

A strange thing and time is getting short, is it not?

MR B:

We believe a fiend as at work. A fiend who will stop and nothing. A fiend that kidnaps organists and has the perversity to superglue banjos to their dextrous fingers.

DR FIBS:

O’, that. Stranger things have happened. I believe this mystery all started with a trumpet.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

A trumpet? What sort of trumpet Dr Fibs?

DR FIBS

The trumpet of fire. A trumpet was used to set fire to the Cathedral’s senior organist, Malcom Tucker-Spring. A terrible incident. Not a piece of him was left, just a burning trumpet, a few scraps of burnt corduroy and a smouldering organ.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The mystery…

MR B:

…deepens.

JIM:

Elvis didn’t mention that! A smouldering organ! The fiend!

DR FIBS:

Come. I will show you around the exhibits.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[WHISPERING] Can we trust him?

MR B:

[WHISPERING] I think not Ma’am, tangerine or freshly baked mince pie?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You and your bag of festive food! Not now Mr b, thank you. I have to save room for the Quality Street.

JIM:

Mince pie please.

ACT 2

RIFF 5

Pork Crackling

S/FX: THE START UP TUNE

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

JIM:

No. No. No! Mr b, I’ve told you the micro sitcom is now the Jelly Trumpet bonus episode!

MR B:

Apologies. Step down Tony.

TONY:

Very well. I‘ll have a green triangle.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You will not! Mr b, you should stop these Tony-ruptions.

MR B:

With respect your Majesty, we are still a podcast with a mission.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I stand corrected.

DR FIBS:

Here is my earliest organ, created in 1923. That one is a Horny Organ from Delft, 1929. This the famous German organ made by Stiff, 1930. And here we have my collection of tableaux. Scenes of musicians, bands, singers at the height of their powers. Visitors love them!

JIM:

This tableaux looks like the Beatles.

DR FIBS:

Correct. Here we have The Doors.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They all look so real. Like they could suddenly move.

MR B:

That’s Ray Manzarek, Mr Jim.

JIM:
Really? Not much use, is he?!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I know them not. What is this strange tableaux Dr Fibs?

JIM:

[WHISPERING TO MR B] Bloody hell, Mr b. I swear that ones’ eyes moved!

MR B:

[WHISPERING TO JIM] Which one?

JIM:

[WHISPERING TO MR B] The one with the banjo.

DR FIBS:
This is my little joke. A band made up of the worst possible instruments known to man. See, a bagpipes player, two banjo players, a kazoo player, an accordionist, a harmonica player and a failed organ player. 

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Do you have any idea who might be behind the disappearance of the organists?

DR FIBS:

None.

MR B:

This is interesting, Mr Jim.

JIM:

An empty stage. What’s this going to be Dr Fibs?

DR FIBS:

I have reserved the space for my epitaph.

JIM:

What’s…

MR B:

I think we should go to the pub Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes. To The Crown we must go. Thank you, Dr Fibs.

DR FIBS:

Good luck.

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

DR FIBS [CONT.]:

And now they are gone Ms Loot. I shall play the organ as it SHOULD BE PLAYED!

S/FX: LOUD ORGAN MUSIC

DR FIBS [CONT.]:

There can only be ONE! [HE LAUGHS MANICALLY]

MR B:

What a terrible way to die, death by fire. How would you like to die, Mr Jim?

JIM:
Consuming an excessive amount Scotch Eggs with plenty of Salad Cream, Mr b.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Better do the Countdown Interview Mr Jim, while we still remember we are a podcast.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME STARTS TO PLAY

JIM:

[SPEAKING OVER THEME] Who are we interviewing this episode Mr b?

MR B:

You’ll be chatting to chef Gordon Ramsey’s about his collection of first editions of the girl’s comic, Jackie. I’ve told him on no account is he to swear.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME STOPS SUDDENLY

JIM:

So, where is he Mr b?

MR B:

Aaaah. I’ve just heard Gordon’s been poached by the Graham Norton show.

JIM:

They’ll need a large pan.

MR B:

That’s not helping our comedy quota Jim.

RIFF 6

Organ Waxing

S/FX: CHATTERING AND CLINKING OF GLASSES

JIM:

It’s not too busy. I’ll get us some drinks. Your usual your Majesty? Mr b come and see which crisps you would like.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I shall sit at the window seat.

MR B:

Oooo! Look. Wheat Crunchies.

THE DUKE:

May I join you?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You can try.

THE DUKE:

I’m Antony, well to be totally honest, Lord Antony de Langley, tenth duke of Harpenden.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Queen Eleanor of the Aquitaine.

S/FX: CHAIR BEING SCRAPPED BACK

THE DUKE:

I say.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You must have extensive lands, Your Grace?

THE DUKE:

I do indeed. I own a large slice of Bedfordshire, the nice bits of Watford and several farms in Essex.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[PURRING] Tell me more.

MR B:

Kevin! Fuck [BEEPED] off!

THE DUKE:

Is that the time? Sorry Mr b. I’ve a fox hunting lesson at two.

S/FX: CHAIR SCRAPING  

JIM:

Who’s he Mr b?

MR B:

That’s Kevin, the chancer.

JIM:

I see. Well. It’s a mystery, isn’t it?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We know that Dr Fibbs is the guilty party

JIM & MR B:

Do we?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SIGHING] Dr Fibbs is a thinly disguised madman. One that owns a peculiar museum, with an empty space… which is…

JIM:

Dusty…

MR B:

Spacious.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s a clue, you votre Cassoulet sans la viande [CASSOULET WITHOUT THE MEAT]!

MR B:

I see…

JIM:

No you don’t.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nor do you Mr Jim!

JIM:

Well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Dr Fibs is a mad musician with a hatred for other organists. He thinks he should be the one playing at the Christmas concert for misjudged children. That empty space is for his final collection of waxed organists with banjos glued to their hands.

JIM:

This is not the Christmas I was expecting.

MR B:

Nor me. I was expecting a jolly English time full of…carols, snow and Only Fools and Horses repeats and The Muppet Christmas Carol.

JIM:

We have that on Blu-ray.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[TO HERSELF] I want Alan Rickman. {TO THE BOYS] Now, we have to stop Dr Fibs or there will be no carol service for misjudged children on Christmas Eve. That concert raises thousands of pounds. Boys, we only have two days.

JIM:

Won’t we need some evidence?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bravo Mot Homme. These seven trumpet are but a red mullet…

MR B:

Red Herring, your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Thank you, Mr b but no. Just a Wheat Crunchy.

S/FX: SILLY ORGAN MUSIC PERHAPS A HO-HO-HO!

RIFF 7

Butter Pump

JIM:

What’s that on the mixing desk, Mr b?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It looks like a sketch, another invention, Mr b?

MR B:

Yes. It’s a sketch for a universal butter pump. No matter the temperature your butter will always be spreadable.

JIM:

And this, erm… valve thing?

MR B:

That’s the jam adaptor, still working on that as if there are any pips it jams.

JIM:

It jams, jams?

MR B:

Exactly. And that’s the optional marmite tube.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We need proof that Dr Fibs is a madman.

S/FX: SOUND OF SLEIGH BELLS

JIM:

Quiet Mikko!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who is Mikko?

JIM:

Erm…

MR B:

Mikko is the name of the wind chime ma’am.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I see.

MR B:

You know, I thought we were going to follow the trumpets.

JIM:

Not a pleasant notion.

MR B:

And now your Majesty?

JIM:

Can we watch Love Actually again?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Tomorrow we will watch, as we do EVERY Christmas Eve.

MR B:

Seven trumpets, seven clues. We were meant to follow the clues and then capture the fiend.

JIM:

Where do the Knights Templar fit in?

MR B:

Yes. Where do they fit in?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, Mr b…

MR B:

I was looking forward to following some clues. You know, make Christmas a bit different this year…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, Mr b…

MR B:

We’d be detecting. I bet every trumpet would take us to a different pub. I’d make some clever invention… Nigel can do some sniffing, follow the trumpet trail…

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS

JIM:

What can I say Mr b?

MR B:

[GETTING ANGRY] Well, quite a lot Mr Jim, you write the script!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Sometimes things don’t turn out the way we were expecting. I have a plan. Have some Quality Street.

MR B:

Green triangle please.

JIM:

Who’s eaten the last green triangle?

S/FX: CHRISTMAS TYPE JELLY TRUMPET MUSIC

ACT 3

RIFF 8

The Decoy

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hold still Mot Homme!

MR B:

I’ve got the glasses your Majesty.

JIM:

Are we sure this is a good idea?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. It is my idea.

JIM:

So, this is Christmas?

MR B:

No Jim. This is a pair of reading glasses and these are your corduroy trousers.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And this is your tweed jacket with leather elbow patches.

JIM:

No one is going to mistake me for an organist.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

There! Now look in the mirror.

MR B:

It’s so you Mr Jim.

JIM:

Do I have to wear the beret?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It finishes the classic ‘I am an organist and is that a woman’ look.

MR B:

It so suits you!

JIM:

I wish I’d written something else now.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

ELVIS:

Jim looks so Fugue in G minor. This could work!

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS

QUEEN ELEANOR

Thank you, Elvis. The finishing touch!

JIM:

What’s this?

MR B:

Biscuit crumbs.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We sprinkle the biscuit crumbs over your tweed jacket AND the floral tie.

ELVIS:

The announcement that we have a new organist from out of town has gone out on local radio, on MIX92.99!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bravo! Now we get you to the station and wait.

JIM:

Wait for what?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The fiend.

RIFF 9

The Trap

S/FX: TRAIN RUSHING PAST

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[THROUGH COMMS] Checking in. Can you hear me Rubber Goose?

JIM:

Receiving! [TO HIMSELF] Rubber Goose my arse.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We will wrap this up, rescue the real organists and celebrate this season of goodwill, Mr b.

MR B:

One thing your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. Mr b?

MR B:

What if we lose sight of Mr Jim and he gets dunked in wax?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We put a wick on his head and volia, we have a candle that lasts till twelfth night. Jim will finally be useful. What do you mean if we lose sight of Jim?

MR B:

Well, I can’t see him.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

MERDE!

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes Nigel! Seek!

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS.  

S/FX: DRAMATIC CHRISTMAS MUSIC IN A FAST FORWARD VIBE

DR FIBS:

Welcome organist.

JIM:

[MUMBLES AS HE IS GAGGED] You bastard. Let me go!

DR FIBS:

Ms Loot. If you please. Start spraying the wax! Quisling, the colouring!

S/FX: SOUND OF A MONKEY

S/FX: THE SOUND OF A PUMP STARTING AND SPRAYING SOUND

JIM:

[MUMBLES AS HE IS GAGGED] That’s not too bad.

DR FIBS:

Soon all you will be able to move is your eyeballs. Then we place a banjo… wait! We glue a ukulele to your hands! Ha Ha! My final masterpiece!

S/FX: SPRAYING SOUND

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: HEAVY DOOR SQEAKS OPEN

MR B:

Golly! Hundreds of burning candles M’am. Dr Fibs is a pyromaniac.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Do you see a sign of le Mot Homme?

MR B:

No. But there is an open window.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Help me up Mr b.

S/FX: SASH WINDOW SLIDING OPEN

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Thank you! Nigel! Seek Jim. Seek!

MR B:

Mind the candles, Nigel!

S/FX: SOUND OF MULTIPLE CANDLE HOLDERS BEING KNOCKED OVER

QUEEN ELEANOR:

O’ dear.

S/FX: WHOOSH OF FLAMES

RIFF 10

Melt Me

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES UP

S/FX: CRACKLING OF FLAMES

DR FIBS:

We are discovered! Ms Loot! We must flee!

S/FX: SOUND OF MONKEY

S/FX: SOUND OF RUNNING FEET

S/FX; BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Jim’s alive. We must get this wax off him!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mot Homme! Mot Homme!

JIM:

Is it me? Or, is it hot in here?

S/FX: CRACKLING FLAMES AND FALLING BEAMS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The museum roof! It will fall any second. We must get Mr Jim back to the podcast and rid him of all this wax! Throw him over Nigel’s back.

MR B:

Right o, Ma’am! Bloody [BEEPED] hell. He really must give up the Scotch Eggs.

JIM:

I say!

MR B:

LOOK! It’s Doctor Fibs!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He isn’t moving. Why?

MR B:

The melted wax! His feet are stock to the floor!

DR FIBS:

YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS

MR B:

What did Nigel say Ma’am? Was it something to help save the doctor?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No. He said his tail is singed and can we watch ‘Home Alone’ tonight? [A BEAT] QUICK! Run for the door!

S/FX: FALLING BRICKS AND BEAMS

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

There you go Mr Jim. Your favourite Christmas movie, ‘Love Actually’.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

A reindeer, Mr Jim. How clever. Mikko will keep all my crowns safe.

JIM:

Thank you for the monkey.

S/FX: MONKEY NOISE

MR B:

Thank you for the personal assistant. Ms Loot will be very useful.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You are welcome, boys. And, Nigel looks so handsome in his Bobby hat. Would you like another Green Triangle, Mot Homme? O’, they are no more. Here, suck on my Toffee Finger.

JIM:

I can’t move you know? I’m still covered in wax. Hic!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr b, best move the heater nearer Mr Jim. Mr b, give Mot Homme the finger.

MR B:

Certainly, your Majesty. Hic!

S/FX: NIGEL CHATTERS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, done us! We rescued all the other organists. The misjudged children will have their carol service. The charity will get lots of money and that fiend Dr Fibs is most likely no more! Christmas lunch with all the trimmings tomorrow. What a successful resolution, eh boys?

MR B:

Yes Ma’am. It wasn’t the Knights Templar after all, Mr Jim.

JIM:

For once Mr b, for once it wasn’t the Knights Templar. I wonder what happened to Dr Fibbs? Thank you, Nigel. Hic!

MR B:

Perhaps, Ha! Ha! He’s become an organ donner? Doner! I meant doner!

TWO BEATS

JIM:

[CONT.] My Toffee Finger has melted.

[TWO BEATS]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It is time to make a toast to our dear listeners.

JIM & MR B:

Hear! Hear!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr b, would you do us the honours?

MR B:

Certainly, your maj’! [HE SURPRESSES A BURP]

JIM:

Hic!

MR B:

[CLEARING HIS THROAT] Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherfuckers! [BEEPED]”

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No, no, no, no, no… no MR B! Now try again and make the toast more Christmasy!

MR B:

Of course, maj’. [CLEARS HIS THROAT] Merry Christmas [A BEAT] Motherfuckers [BEEPED]!

JIM:

HIC!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Very well! I will do it. Dear listeners, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

JIM:

Hic!

MR B:

Hic!

JIM: 

HURRAH!

MR B:
HURRAH!

ALL:

HURRAH!

[A BEAT]

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It is a Christmas film, you know!

S/FX: GOBBLE GOOBLE OF CAROL THE TURKEY

S/FX: SOME SLEIGHBELLS AND A HO HO HO!

TONY:

Coming to your ears soon! Jelly Trumpet is Jelly Trumpet. Listen to us fight back. So, tune in for yet more silly, silly, silly things and shenanigans.

THANK YOU’S

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fabulous good people!

And remember that Jelly Trumpet is our secret.

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

Now playing us out is Mr b and [INSERT TUNE]

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

The crew went back in history to 1586 to save Elizabeth I from a treacherous plot to put Mary Queen of Scots on the throne. With the help of three of the greatest creative minds to ever live they failed to change history.

In this Episode

The crew assembles three of the most creative minds in history to rescue Queen Elizabeth I from a dastardly Spanish plot. Will they save the Queen? Will they get back to the present day without changing We join the crew aboard a steam train in 1896 attempting to thwart the first great train robbery. Will the crew survive meeting one of the nineteenth century’s super villains?

Who is this supervillain? Has the crew met this supervillian before?

Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Episode 05 – Bee Train

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

JIM:

[MUMBLING NONSENSE] What the? Mr b! Mr b! MR B!

MR B:

O’ you’re awake.

JIM:

Yes. I am awake [YAWNS] Mr b!. Would you care to explain why I woke up with a tea bag in my mouth?

MR B:

I’d rather not.

JIM:

Your Majesty, your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I am a Queen. Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine, not a detective!

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

JIM:

That’s not helping Nigel.

S/FX: SAXAPHONE PLAYS

MR B:

Would you like to see my invention Mr Jim? It’s a steam powered smart phone.

JIM:

No. I want to get to the bottom of the tea bag in my mouth.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Shush! I am in my safe place. Nigel! The green tea. Ommmmmmm…

JIM:

What?

MR B:

Her Majesty is learning to meditate.

JIM:

What? Why? Since when has Nigel been able to brew tea? I mean that’s a bit tricky for a squirrel the size of a St Bernard but with tiny, tiny paws.

MR B:

O’, he doesn’t brew it. It’s a takeaway from Café Niet.

JIM:

It’s bad enough he plays the saxophone all the time… Café Niet?

MR B:

It’s a new coffee shop chain. It’s German, I think. See how small I’ve made the phone; you could fit it behind your ear!

JIM:

I woke up with a tea bag in my mouth you know, that’s a concern.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[VERY RELAXED] That is better. Nigel. Don’t forget the goat and avocado blini.

S/FX: SAXOPHONE  

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

JIM:

I give up. I take a little nap, wake up choking on a tea bag. Gosh, that phone is tiny. Powered by steam, eh?

MR B:

That’s right, 350psi to be technically accurate.

JIM:

What’s that pipe running out of the back of the phone?

QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:

I’m going to the sauna. Hold this for me Mr b. Don’t lose it.

MR B:

Certainly, a lovely ball of bright yellow yarn eh your Majesty? Could come in handy if we meet a dangerous cat.  O’ that pipe? That goes to the steam engine. Just going to spin the fly wheel.

S/FX: STEAM ENGINE STARTING UP

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[VERY RELAXED] Don’t go anywhere Spen.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

JIM:

So, you’ve invented a tiny steam powered phone? Why’s the Queen given you a large ball of yarn?

MR B:

Her majesty is knitting Nigel a cover for his saxophone. Keep the sand out of his holes. Yes. that’s right. Steam is a very green energy source.

JIM:

And the phone is powered by that steam engine?

MR B:

[VERY ENTHUSIASTIC] Yes! Yes, it is!

JIM:

Bit of a drawback I would say.

MR B:

Why’s that Mr Jim?

JIM:

The power source, the steam engine that is. It’s the size of an American’s fridge freezer Mr b.

MR B:

It’s got wheels.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

JIM:

What the…

MS LEAN:

Only me. Here! What’s all this steam?

JIM:

ERM! We’re steam cleaning the curtains Ms Lean.

MS LEAN:

That’s alright then. Heard some hissing when I was on the stairs. Thought you had a snake infestation, again. Right. I’ll leave you to it and remember, no shenanigans!

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

TONY:

Now?

JIM

Wait Mr b! About the tea bag in my mouth?

MR B:

Yes Jim?

JIM:

Nobody treats me like a mug! [TWO BEATS] What are you doing?

MR B:

Nothing, well, just a further steam experiment. Nothing to worry about.

JIM:

O’. That’s fine then.

TONY:

I’m back! Jelly time!

TONY:

Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

• Creative challenges!
• The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
• A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’

Plus:

• Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
• We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] I know cooking!

S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: FADE IN TO A STEAM WHISTLE AND TRAIN ON TRACK NOISE

JIM:

Well, that didn’t go well.

MR B:

Not really.  

JIM:

How did we get to be on this train?

MR B:

Well, I think this calls for…

JIM:

Don’t tell me…

MR B:

ENGAGING FLASHBACK!

S/FX: BUTTON PRESSED

S/FX: FLASHBACK MUSIC

S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING

MR B:

Nothing, well, just a further steam experiment. Nothing to worry about.

JIM:

O’. That’s fine then.

S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING

JIM:

The steam appears to be escaping into the podcast mixing desk.

MR B:

O’, that’s not good. That’s not good at all.

JIM:

You never explained why Spen’, the guitarist currently living behind the settee, can only communicate in guitar riffs.

MR B:

That Jim, is a long story, filled with whisky.

JIM:

Fair enough.

MR B:

It shrank Spen’s moustache.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where is… never mind, found it!

JIM:

Which crown is that your majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My meditation crown. See, it has incense holders. Nigel! We ride!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Well, I suppose I can make a cup of tea…

S/FX: DULL THUD OF AN EXPLOSION

S/FX: FLASHBACK MUSIC

S/FX: A TRAIN MOVING FAST. PERHAPS THE BLOWING OF A STEAM WHISTLE

MR B:

Who knew?

JIM:

Yes Mr b. Who knew? I mean, mixing high density steam with the podcast mixing desk. What could go wrong? [TWO BEATS] Apart from a small explosion that lands US on a steam train, having our hands tied behind our backs and any minute being thrown off the train! A train, I may add, that is speeding through the Hertfordshire countryside. O’ and the cherry on the top? We appear to have landed. Correction! YOU have landed us in 1896. I don’t remember how we got into this cherry pickle. Cherry?

MR B:

Nor do I. Cherry? Wait! But you like history.

S/FX: SUPER FUNKY MUSIC

JIM:

You are always saying that. I do actually. The Victorian era was…  what are you doing?

MR B:

This? This is my ecstatic dance, a dance of freedom. Give it a go. Listen to the beat of the train. Let yourself go Jim!

JIM:

Alright then. I will. WHOOOOOOA!

S/FX: CRASHING SOUND

MR B:

Are you alright Mr Jim?

JIM:

I think so. We must have gone over a leaf on the track. I appear to have broken this large wicker trunk.

MR B:

Really Jim. You’ll get us into trouble.

JIM:

I’ll GET US INTO TROUBLE?

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Boys? What are you doing? Ou est Nigel?

MR B:

Not sure your majesty. Not sure of much these days. Especially when the script keeps changing! I thought this episode was taking us to the delightful coastal town of Cromer for some crabs with sweet chilli jam and a paddle?

JIM:

Well, I wasn’t expecting an eruption of steam in the mixing desk and…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We must expect the unexpected boys. This is Jelly Trumpet. An outlaw podcast for people who like that sort of thing. Now, where is the vilain Nigel? O’ and why are you tied up in the baggage car?

JIM:

[BOYISH] Not sure.

MR B:

[BOYISH] Not sure.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, be sure. [CLAPPING HANDS] Rapide!

MR B:

O’ I remember now.

JIM:

Yes?

MR B:

We were tied up by that Mr Cherry.

JIM:

O’ right. That explains… well, it doesn’t do it?  Blast! Me grammar’s leaking. Why?

MR B:

Something about, erm, something about bees.

JIM:

Bees?

MR COY:

Ere! Get off me! You’ve smashed me basket! Rogues!

JIM:

I’m so sorry!

MR COY:

Have at you! You foozier! No one disrespects me, The Great Mr Coy. The Worlds only LIVING insect impersonator. Insect impersonator to royalty, I’ll have you know!

MR B:

I remember now. Strange people in the first class carriage… [THINKING] bees…?

S/FX: DOOR SLIDING OPEN

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Ah Nigel, there you are. We’ll be in the restaurant car, if you need me. Nigel, biscuit aux amandes?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY

S/FX: DOOR SLIDING CLOSED

JIM:

Foozier? That’s a delightful piece of Victorian slang.

S/FX: SEVERAL RAPID PUNCHES

MR B:

Did that hurt Jim?

JIM:

Fortunately, no Mr b, my face cushioned the blows.

MR B:

Those punches made you look even more rugged Mr Jim.

JIM:

Do you think so? Let’s do that ecstatic dance thing. I’m rugged AND I can dance… Chukka, chukka, chukka…

S/FX: A MAN’S SCREAM DYING AWAY

MR B:

I do like a good dance. So, RECAP! Engaging recap.

JIM:

RECAP!

MR B:

So, that chap, Mr Coy, just tried to push us as off the train. He was fooled by our ecstatic dancing and missed us both. Shot out the carriage door like an MP filing his expenses. So, we’re on a moving train. It’s 1896 and, erm, something about bees?

JIM:

Queen Eleanor? Nigel? cMac?

MR B:

Her Majesty is on her way to the restaurant car to eat almond biscuits. Remember?. Nigel ditto. cMac overheated, went into reverse, so I put him on the roof of the train to cool down. Bees? What was it about bees?

JIM:

What is it about bees? Who was Mr Coy? How can cMac, the greatest universal gizmo overheat?

MR B:

The steam from my steam phone got in cMac’s micro processers. Was he the real McCoy?

JIM:

He said he was Mr Coy. Not Mr McCoy.

[A BEAT]

MR B:

O’ [A BEAT] Tony do SOMETHING!

TONY:

Challenge at home!

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM:

Let’s play what would logically follow. Take your idea, it could be a scene in your script. It could be an idea for a new product, it could be a marketing campaign.

Write down what is expected to happen. See if you can get five to ten steps.

So, now you have a list of what logically follows what. What happens when you change one step, here you can use one of our 9 Trumpets of Creativity, for example, what if you blended two of the steps, what if you reversed one, what if you made one step shorter or longer? Perhaps this will lead to a better way of doing a part of the script or campaign, it may even lead to some insights into your thinking? What logically follows was used by John Cleese and Connie Booth when writing Fawlty Towers.

Tell us about your insights, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.

Now where were we? O’ yes, just about to randomise…

JIM EXITS SOUNDBOOTH

This recording is making me a bit dry Mr B.

MR B:

Well, we’re on dry land.

JIM:

No Mr b. My mouth is dry.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Suck this Mr Jim.

S/FX: JIM MAKES LOUD SUCKING NOISES

JIM:

What is it? Reminds me of Yorkshire.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Coal. Now you can have some tea.

MR B:

Let’s get on with the show eh?

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

S/FX: CHUGGING TRAIN. CLINK OF CHINA CUPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

How are your biscuits, Nigel?

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Delicious? Bon!

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No Nigel. I’ve told you before. It is very rude to eavesdrop on people.

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What? Are you sure? Which persons is this? [TWO BEATS] Those?

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS DOUBLE SPEED

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The boys! The bees! The boys Nigel. They are in danger. We must hurry to the last baggage car…

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What? Alright. Just one more biscuit. Then we really must hurry. Avert the danger. Rescue le mot homme and petite pieds. [A BEAT] More tea?

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Meanwhile. I’ll order some more biscuits.

S/FX: TRAIN TRACKS FADING INTO JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

Meanwhile.

MR B:

Engaging MEANWHILE! Meanwhile?

JIM:

Yes. My considerable intuition tells me we are having a meanwhile moment.

MR B:

My considerable logic tells me that too.

JIM:

Look! I’ve managed to free myself from the rope!

MR B:

That’s great. Can you untie me?

JIM:

Certainly. Here we…. go!

MR B:

Now what?

JIM:

Well, erm. We come up with a plan!

MR B:

And?

JIM:

We, erm, we do the plan!

MR B:

I see. Go on then.

JIM:

Right.

[TWO BEATS]

MR B:

And the plan is?

JIM:

Erm…well, we, we, we… ask Queen Eleanor!

MR B:

Brilliant!

JIM:

I knew you’d like it.

S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: THE BITTER ELF

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.

This episode is: ‘The Bitter Elf’

THE SCENE: A MEETING ROOM IN AN OFFICE BUILDING IN SOME GOD FORSAKEN TOWN LIKE BOREHAMWOOD

S/FX: HUM OF SERVERAL VOICES

STEVE:

Well Mary, welcome to Strangle, Strand & Sloop, the PR and Reputation Enhancement agency. We’ve prepared a PowerPoint presentation for…

MARY:

No thank you.

STEVE:

Right then, let’s move on to creating a tag line for your business, on the back of a beer mat.

MARY:

Beer mat? Why?

STEVE:

It’s a way of focusing the mind and writing the business tag line succinctly. We call it the beer mat challenge.

MARY:

You could call it the paper challenge and write it on paper. I’m employing Strangle, Strand & Sloop to create publicity around my baby makeup brand, BabyMaker, ‘make them cute, hide the dribbles’. I’m still working on the tag line as you well know.

STEVE:

Well, we’ve come up with three ideas for the PR angle. First a new social network, an anti-social network if you will, users will be encouraged to write only negative things. We can make LOADS of publicity with negativity. It would, we believe be set to rival Twitter.

MARY:

And it’s called?

STEVE:

Bitter.

[TWO BEATS]

MARY:

No. Next.

STEVE:

Right. Well, we get hold of a royal baby, just borrow it. Use BabyMaker on it, do a photoshoot, perhaps some radio interviews, get it a column in Hello magazine and get it on the ‘gram with shots of a luxury life, you know usual stuff, sitting on a Ferrari, eating smoked salmon on a private jet, shopping at Waitrose…

MARY:

Get hold of a royal baby?

STEVE:

We’d put it back.

MARY:

Next.

STEVE:

Well, idea three is giving a baby some pointed ears, making it look like an elf from Lord of the Rings and it doing a funny dance on TikTok.

MARY:

Sold!

STEVE:

O’, I am pleased.

MARY:

What are we going to call the campaign?

STEVE:

Baby Dancer! The Return of The Elf Baby!

MARY:

DO IT!

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel. You’ve crumbs on your tummy.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: TRAIN ON TRACKS. STEAM WHISTLE

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Good boy. Now let us see if the boys have made some progress. I want to meditate once the train, erm… lands.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME BURST

MR B:

Mr Jim. What if we went into reverse?

JIM:

Fantastic! What? Why? Erm, how?

MR B:

It’s quite simple. We get cMac to reverse the script. ENGAGING REVERSE!

JIM:

Brilliant! Wait. That means I wake up with a tea bag in my mouth. I told you. I’m not a mug.

MR B:

Well, just an idea, anyway cMac is still cooling off on the train roof. So, you liked the steam phone? It really isn’t as dangerous as you think. I’ll take your silence for ‘yes, ‘it’s brilliant Mr b’. Right. Shall we go and see her Majesty?

JIM:

Yes. Open the door.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

MR B:

What the…?

JIM:

What the [BLEEP]?

MR B

If I’m not mistaken Mr Jim, that’s a Western Lowland Gorilla.

JIM:

I’d have just said gorilla but I know you like to show off your natural science. Why, Mr b does the gorilla have a machete?

MR B:

Opening coconuts?

JIM:

That makes perfect sense Mr b. Or, it would if we were on a desert island. There are no coconuts in the west lowlands. Perhaps we can sneak past him?

S/FX: CMAC BEEPS

JIM (cont.):

cMac appears to have entered via the window. How?

MR B:

Aha! Sticky tracks Mr Jim. I’ve equipped cMac with a sticky nozzle for just such eventualities.

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

Sticky nozzle?

MR B:

A sticky nozzle is always handy Mr Jim. You said so yourself. Erm, the gorilla chap is coming towards us.

JIM:

Well, set cMac to stun?

MR B:

I could do that…except the stun function was affected by the steam.

TONY:

This is going well. [YAWNS] eh?. Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.

[SOTTO VOCE] I’m a big fan of Beef Wellington. Lovely chap.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

JIM INTRODUCES GUEST

END

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: BURST OF DANGER MUSIC

MR B:

A gorilla with a machete Jim? Why did you write that? Why couldn’t it be a cockapoo armed with a bouncy ball?

JIM:

This Jelly Trumpet writing itself is getting out of hand. Wait! What is the furry chap doing?

MR B:

He appears to be making some form of signal with his hands and he’s put the machete down.

JIM:

I think he’s using sign language Mr b.

MR B:

You’re right! OK. cMac, engage sign language translation mode.

SF/X: CMAC WHIRRING SOUND

JIM:

He’s very animated. This could be so very, very, very, erm, very dangerous.

MR B:

I’ll have to read the display on cMac. cMac’s voice box got hit by the steam.

JIM:

What’s the gorilla chap say Mr b? Is he going to attack?

MR B:

One minute…

S/FX: PING

JIM:

Well?

MR B:

He’s saying ‘would you like a coconut?’

JIM:

O’. They are peaceful vegetarians after all. Except for the occasional ant or termite.

MR B:

cMac, sign back, ‘no thank you, we’ve just eaten.’

JIM:

Right. Let’s see what’s through the next door.

MR B:

Hope it’s not a lion. [LAUGHS MANICALLY]

JIM:

That would be upsetting, if it was a lion [HE LAUGHS]

S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

• Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
• And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to right the wrongs of the French. You have one minute!

JIM:

OK. Here we go…

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Moving on.

JIM EXITS SOUND BOOTH

JIM:
I don’t like this Challenge Jim thing Mr b.

MR B:

You wrote it.

JIM:

It’s scary. Why can’t we do something whimsical.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Like afternoon tea on a steam train?

JIM:

Like afternoon tea… and biscuits on a steam train.

MR B:

Very well…

JIM:

And no lions…

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

MR B:

Thank God!

JIM:

Yes Mr b. Thank God it’s not a lion.

MR B:

I have a lion allergy.

JIM:

And tigers?

MR B:

No. I’m fine with tigers.

S/FX: TIGER ROARING

MR B:

Good tiger! Good tiger… there’s two of them. They’re massive when you get close. Massive teeth, think of the toothpaste they must get through.

JIM:

What we have here, Mr b, is a pair of Siberian Tigers, around 250, no 260 kilos each. I suspect that one may be called Vitaly.

MR B:

They’re so fluffy! Who’s fluffy boy then, who’s a fluffy moggie…

JIM:

Mr b, well, I think I should break it to you gently… We’re highly likely to be eaten alive.

MR B:

Nonsense. Look how cute they are?

S/FX: TIGER ROAR

JIM:

[HOLDING BACK DEEP ANGER] Why don’t you rub their tummies then?

MR B:

I’ve got something better…

JIM:

[WHISPERING ANGRILY] Better? Better? What can be better than rubbing a tiger’s tummy?!

MR B:

TARRRA! The ball of yarn from her Majesty. Here you go. Who’s a good moggie then, you’re a good moggie… yes you are… see, they love a ball of yarn.

JIM:

Are we sure stranger things happen on other podcasts?

RIFF: 7

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME BURST

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No Nigel. We really have to go. The boys are in danger. [A BEAT] Perhaps we should have mentioned the gorilla and the tigers?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What was that mon ami poilu?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[LAUGHING] You are right! The look on their faces will be priceless. Viens ma chérie. Be careful when we go past those bee hives.

S/FX: TRAIN ON TRACKS AND STEAM WHISTLE

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

JIM:

That was close. Now what do we have here? Let me read this writing on the door. B dot O dot E only. And a picture of Britannica holding a leaf.

MR B:

B.O.E? Bottles of Evian? Bags of eels? Bishop of El Paso?

JIM:

Don’t think so. It’s familiar though.

MR B:

We could open the door?

JIM:

O’, yes, we could do that Mr b. We’ve not been having much luck with what’s behind the doors though eh? What’s it going to be behind the door, an Anaconda with reflux? A rogue rhino, with a terrible itch? Perhaps a bear wearing a silly hat?

MR B:

It could be something nice? We should always be optimistic Mr Jim.

JIM:

Yes. True. [TWO BEATS] You go first.

MR B:

[NAIVELY] OK.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

JIM:

Well done Mr b.

MR B:

Look!

JIM:

I can’t.

MR B:

Why not?

JIM:

I’ve got my eyes closed.

MR B:

You won’t see anything then.

JIM:

You’re right Mr b. I’ll open them then. O’ MY…!

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. Things I’ve done on a kitchen table. Perhaps not. This episode things I’ve done in America.

Number one: Falling in love with a rugby player, she was lovely.

Number two: Eaten my weight in BBQ pork and beef.

Number three: Sneering when someone says folks (tip, it’s not friendly and they don’t mean it).

Number four: Watch an American swim in a pool and thought of declaring him an independent nation.

Number five: Bought a flowery shirt in San Francisco.

Number six: Rode the ‘T’ in Boston.

Number seven: Cried in Lake Placid.    

Number eight: Wondered why America, why?

Number nine: Pretended I was a member of Take That.

Number ten: Tipped a waiter over a Cliff Richard.  

Number eleven: Spoke lovingly about blighty.  

Number twelve: Sighed with relief that it was only a business trip.

At least six of these items are true.

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: STEAM WHISTLE

JIM:

Well, well, well, well…

MR B:

There must be millions of pounds Mr Jim.

JIM:

Yes Mr b. Millions in pound notes.

MR B:

B.O.E Mr Jim, Bank of England.

JIM:

Bank of England Mr b. Things were a bit lax in 1896. I mean, all this dosh in sacks and baskets.

S/FX: CMAC BEEPS A COUPLE OF TIMES

MR B:

Let’s see what cMac has found?

JIM:

And?

MR B:
cMac, with his advanced counting function, estimates that there is 2.8 million pounds, which in…  todays’ money… is a lot.  

JIM:

Eh?

MR B:

I’ve not programmed conversion rate due to inflation over the last hundred years.  It’s on my list.

JIM:

A lot is enough Mr b. Now where were we…?

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME BURST

S/FX: SOUND OF BEES BUZZING.

QUEEN ELEANOR:
Arrête ça Nigel! Leave the hives alone. Honey tomorrow. Now follow me…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS IN A HIGHLY AGITATED AND AGGRESSIVE MANNER

S/FX: BEES BUZZING GROWS IN INTENSITY

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

Start a list of creative exercises. For example, rewrite your favourite song’s lyrics as making as personal to you, your friends, those who you work with. Try singing it to the tune. Gather your list, say 10 creative ideas for being creative. Now, swap them with someone else and try the new list of exercises. Which three work best for you?

Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: A DOOR BEING OPENED VIOLENTLY

DARK KIPPER:

Not so fast Pod Boys!

MR B:

Strewth!

JIM:

You fiend!

MR B:

It’s the Dark Kipper from Season 2, episode 10.

DARK KIPPER:

Come now you silly, silly, silly podcasters!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[MUMBLING THROUGH A GAG] Hello boys!

JIM:

Strewth!

MR B:

You fiend!

JIM:

Why have you tied up and gagged her Majesty, OUR Queen Eleanor of the Aquitaine?

MR B:

[WHISPERING TO JIM] But where’s Nigel?

S/FX: SLIGHT BUZZING OF BEES

JIM:

[WHISPERING TO MR B] Could be anywhere.

DARK KIPPER:

YOU FOOLS! I am robbing the train. Mr Cherry! Mr Cherry! Seize them, tie them, throw them off the train.

JIM:

[WHISPERING TO MR B] O’ that explains cherry then! Not the bees though. We were tied up by Mr Cherry. Yes. Where is Nigel? [NORMAL VOICE] A request Mr Kipper.

DARK KIPPER:

Vot?

JIM:

We’d really like the Queen to be able to say goodbye to us. Can you remove the gag in her regal mouth?

DARK KIPPER:

Very well. After you’ve done that Mr Cherry, you will bring the train to a stop and we will give the money to our getaway riders, Ernie Hecklestone and the others…

JIM:

Ernie Hecklestone, sounds familiar.

DARK KIPPER:

Yes. Ernie Hecklestone is a famous getaway rider hoping to fund a sport formula for successful horse racing. Don’t tell anyone!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

DARK KIPPER:

Vot is that chirping noise?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NIGEL! ICI! Libérer les abeilles. Rapide!

S/FX: BUZZING OF BEES GETTING VERY LOUD

S/FX: DARK KIPPER SCREAMING

DARK KIPPER:

Nien! Nein! Nein! Die Bienen stechen! Nein! Böse Bienen!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES IN

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Frankly Mr Jim, that was a terrifying episode.

JIM:

I do apologise. How are the crumpets coming on?

MR B:

Almost done. The coffee is ready. Hot milk?

JIM:

Yes please. It would appear the whole episode was a flashback to a script I scrapped many months ago. Somehow it came back to life. Perhaps because of the steam.

MR B:

[SARCASTIC] Well, fancy that. Steam can so some funny things.

JIM:

Yes. Most unusual.

MR B:

Crumpets are ready! I’ll just steam the milk for the coffee.

JIM:

Excellent!

QUEEN ELEANOR:
Miel? I mean honey gentlemen?

MR B AND JIM LAUGH

S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING

MR B:

More steam Mr Jim?

JIM:

Erm… Mr b. If you steam the milk for the coffee then that steam may send us back to the train!

MR B:

Good point Mr Jim. That could be very dangerous. We don’t want any form of steam near the control desk, that, erm, might cause an explosion and the podcast blown back in history. Let’s just have some cold milk on the side.

JIM:

Excellent. I mean we DO want to run out of steam. HA HA!

[TWO BEATS]

S/FX: PHONE RINGING

JIM:

Is that your steam powered phone Mr b?

S/FX: A SLIGHT ESCAPING OF STEAM

MR B:
Yes, it is.

JIM:

Erm.

S/FX: THE STEAM ESCAPING GETS LOUDER

MR B:

That’s right… O’…

S/FX: BEES BUZZING

S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING AND A DULL THUD OF AN EXPLOSION

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel. I told you once. Bee careful. You get it? Bee careful… Here we go again,

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

The crew had to overcome a mystery film noir villain, Mr Archer, being soaked in malt whiskey, line dancing and all with the help of a cliché cannon and a multi-talented squirrel.

In this Episode

The crew assembles three of the most creative minds in history to rescue Queen Elizabeth I from a dastardly Spanish plot. Will they save the Queen? Will they get back to the present day without changing history? 

Which creative minds are picked up by the podcast? How do they put these creative minds to creative use?

Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Episode 04 – Queen Rules

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.

JIM:

Dum de dum de da…And now…

S/FX: A BRASS SECTION OF A BAND PLAYS A SHORT BURST

MR B:

What are you doing Mr Jim?

JIM:

I’m reading a very odd book about alternative history called 1586, Mr b. Written by Neil Cleverman.

MR B:

[PEEVISH] Not that! The brass section that just played that tune.

JIM:

O’ that. Well, inspired by George Ezra, I’ve decided to have a brass section as part of my everyday life.

MR B:

What permanently?

JIM:

Yes Mr b.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Ici Nigel, time for your bath.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

MR B:

Well, you can’t. What would our landlady say AND you’ve let Eddie the Mime Artist out again haven’t you?

JIM:

I don’t see why I can’t…

S/FX: DUCKS QUACKING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Non, Nigel! No ducklings!

MR B:

You know Ms Lean doesn’t know we’re an outlaw podcast. She thinks we’re doing a very serious podcast; digital marketing for toddlers.

JIM:

You’re right. We can’t afford to be discovered. We must keep Jelly Trumpet a secret from all the serious people. Eventually Mr b we’ll be Internet multimillionaires [TO BRASS SECTION] Hey guys, best put the brass away and pop out and look for a gig. Eddie! Back to the back room!

S/FX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY

MR B:

Thank you, Mr Jim.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

MS LEAN:

Alright boys!

MR B:

Morning Ms Lean.

JIM:

Morning Ms Lean!

MS LEAN:

‘Ere! Who were those people walking down my drive?

JIM:

Erm, Jehovah’s Witnesses.

MS LEAN:

They all had brass instruments.

MR B:

They’re doing a musical, ‘Jesus and the tambourine’.

S/FX: AN AERESOL BEING SPRAYED

MS LEAN:

Right then. Keep it clean boys. Are those duck feathers? You haven’t got any wildlife in here, have you? It’s against the terms of the lease.

JIM:

No Ms Lean. Erm, must have come off Mr b’s, erm… er …feather duster.

MS LEAN:

Dusting, eh? Good. Right then. I’ll leave you to your podcast. Remember no loud noises after 9pm!

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

JIM:

Praise the old gods and the new that Ms Lean didn’t bump into Nigel.

MR B:

Yes, that was lucky. Quick thinking about the feathers Mr Jim.

F/SX: LOUD SPLASHING

QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:

NO NIGEL!

S/FX: CLAWS RUNNING ACROSS A WOODEN FLOOR

MR B:

Nigel! Back in your bath.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Singe méchant! Put this towel on! Good boy. Wrap it all around yourself.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

MS LEAN:

And another thing… what’s Eleanor holding?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That’s Nigel, he’s a…Bedouin, visiting from Jordan.

MS LEAN:

Jordan, like the model?

JIM:

Yes. Notice the similar eyebrows.

MS LEAN:

Ooo’, Yes. Uncanny.

QEEEN ELEANOR:

Excuse us. I, er… have to put Nigel to bed.

JIM:

He’s only two.

MS LEAN:

He’s very big for two.

MR B:

Well, he eats all his vegetables.

MS LEAN:

Oooo… He’s a good boy!

S/FX: DUCK QUACKING

MS LEAN:

‘Ere, was that a duck?!

JIM:

No, Ms Lean, that was a chicken we recently waterproofed and then glued a kazoo to her face. You know, a harmless experiment.

MS LEAN:

That’s alright then. Remember to clean your windows.

S/FX: SOUND OF AN AERESOL

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

TONY:

Now?

QEEN ELEANOR:

Oui. Now Tony.

JIM:

That’s my line.

MR B:

Not a memorable one though, is it?

TONY:

I’m back! Jelly time!

JIM:

What are you doing here?

MR B:

I live here.

JIM:

O’. I thought I’d just written you into the script…

TONY:

Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

• Creative challenges!
• The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
• A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’

Plus:

• Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
• We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] Duvet! Goosy, Goose, Goose, duvet!

S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: FADE IN

JIM:

Well, well, well. What a clever book.

MR B:

That 1586 one you mentioned? Just a minute, just have to… well I am whelmed.

JIM:

Whelmed?

MR B:

Yes. It comes between, over… and under…

JIM:

Meaning?

MR B:

I’m fine.

JIM:

O’, good use of a familiar word there Mr b.

MR B:

Thank you, Mr Jim. Just stripping the podcast control desk for a jolly good clean and service.

JIM:

Good. Yes 1586 by Neil Cleverman is a colourful graphic novel, well, a book with pictures, imagining sending back three Marvel superheroes to help Queen Elizabeth I survive the Babington plot.

S/FX: REALLY BAD GUITAR RIFF

JIM [CONT.]:

Was that Spen? Not his best guitar strumming…

MR B:

No. That’s her Majesty. She’s learning guitar, so she can speak to Spen’ in his own language.

JIM:

You never explained why Spen’ aka Twang, the guitarist currently living behind the settee, can only communicate in guitar riffs.

MR B:

That Jim, is a long story, full of terror.

JIM:

Fair enough.

MR B:

Spen’s moustache got its own show on Channel 5.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where is… never mind, found it!

JIM:

Which crown is that your majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

My going to the gym crown. I’m going to exercise. See it has a built-in sweat band. Nigel! We ride!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

She’s very fit is her majesty. Tell me more about the bollocking plot?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The Babington plot Mr b, ‘t’, ‘t’, ‘t’… In 1586, it was a DASTARDLY PLOT to assassinate the rightful Queen Elizabeth I and replace her with Mary Queen of Scots. SUCH TREASON! Queen rules and sometimes Kings. ALL TRAITORS MUST DIE. DIE BY FIRE! Now, Nigel, if you please, we ride for the Virgin.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

JIM:

Virgin? O’, the Virgin Active gym. As opposed to the Virgin Inert gym I belong to. Her Majesty wasn’t very happy about murdering a queen. When she said Queen rules all I could think of was Bohemian Rhapsody. I mean, regicide is a bad thing. Hang on, how does her majesty, Queen Eleanor know about the Babbington Plot?

MR B:

Yes. A very bad thing. Queen Rules alright. You forget Mr Jim that her majesty downloaded the whole of Wikipedia to her iPad.

JIM:

Good for her Majesty. O’, anyway, Neil Cleverman assembles three Marvel superheroes, Captain America, Black Widow and the Hulk to sabotage the plot against Queen Elizabeth I.

MR B:

Did the present-day superheroes foil the plot?

JIM:

Yes. Now that made me think. If we took Jelly Trumpet back to 1586, we could give it a go. Wouldn’t that be fun…

MR B:

Well… no.

JIM:

Only. Only. Get this. We assemble three great creative minds to foil the plot. Show people how powerful creativity really is, you know, a force for good! Let’s think. Three geniuses of different creative disciplines. Yes! We show, through the medium of podcasting and imagination how creativity overcomes all.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I forgot my trainers.

S/FX: DOOR CLOSING

MR B:

Really Mr Jim? I mean, we might change history. What then?

JIM:

We’d have a Scottish royal family. Think about that!

MR B:

So, we’d be singing ‘God Save The Deep-Fried Mars Bar’ and swearing allegiance to the square sausage? I’ll put the control desk back together. While I do that. You should think long and hard.

S/FX: CONTROL DESK TINKERING NOISES

JIM:

First, Leonardo da Vinci for his vision, invention and jolly nice paintings, second, Soren Kierkegaard, incisive delving into what it is to be human, a counterpoint to Catholicism, finally Alfred Hitchcock.  

MR B:

Why Alfred Hitchcock?

JIM:

We’ll want to make a movie of this adventure Mr b!

MR B:

I suppose I should check the podcast juice, if we are to go through with this lunacy. We need to top up the juice with some electrolytes, a cat’s purr and a single Islay malt. If we are to have enough power to go back in time to 1585

JIM:

If only people knew what Jelly Trumpet, outlaw podcast to the stars ran on. It’s genius Mr b!

MR B:

Don’t touch that!

JIM:

Why not?

MR B:

That’s the randomiser button. It needs calibration, otherwise, well… who knows.

JIM:

So, on no account touch the randomiser button?

MR B:

Correct. Never touch the randomiser button.

JIM:

Right. I won’t even breath on the randomiser button. In reverse order we set the podcast to collect, Leonardo, Kierkegaard, Hitchcock. Then we set the podcast for 1586.

CMAC:

Hawaiian Kona coffee?

JIM:

Lovely.

MR B:

Yes. Lovely. Undertones of Pineapple and a surfing beach. Right, I just have to screw the cover on and we can…

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s alright Nigel.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY

JIM:

Did you say beach or peach Mr b? What happened to madden Nigel your Majesty?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He saw a badger.

JIM:

Nigel is three times the size of a badger.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It was a giant one. The size of a man.

MR B:

Beach Mr Jim. No such thing your Majesty.

JIM:

What if it was a man dressed up and promoting a badger brand? You know, like that organic skincare Badger Balm from America?

MR B:

[PLACATING JIM] O’. Yes. That must be it.

JIM:

Nigel. CALM DOWN!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You’ll frighten him! He’s already multiple agitated!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY

JIM:

Golly he can jump really high! Where’s his emotional support duck? We need Gerald and his soft quacks. I hope Nigel doesn’t land on the…

MR B:

Randomiser button!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Merde! What now?

S/FX: SOUND OF A CAR CRASH

MR B:

Tony do SOMETHING!

TONY:

Challenge at home!

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM:

This episode is about circles and was first created by a chap called Bob McKim of the Stanford Design Programme.

Take a piece of paper and draw 30 circles. Give yourself 3 minutes to complete the exercise. The challenge is to fill in as many circles as possible. What we’re after is quantity, not quality.

How many did you fill in? Was there a theme, were they all emojis? Do you see any similarities in the design?  Remember in season 1 of Jelly Trumpet we talked about the use of time discipline? So, you shouldn’t be thinking, rather rushing to draw a design in each, it takes away your self censorship.

Tell us about your circles, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.

Now where were we? O’ yes, just about to randomise…

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You know Nigel, you shouldn’t go around leaping. You could get the podcast into trouble and we are already in the mer…

MR B:

Right! Right then! Well, well, well…

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Well, Mr b? What just happened.

MR B:

Nigel triggered the randomiser button AND the repeat button.

JIM:

I see.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

No, you don’t. Mr b? What does that mean?

MR B:

Well, it means that Jelly Trumpet is going to hop through time, space and, erm, other things for a, erm… a bit.

JIM:

I see.

[A BEAT]

MR B:

You don’t though, do you?

JIM:

Well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

So, where are we now?

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

We could have a look out the window…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SARCASTIC] Yes. Brilliant Mot Homme. Look out the window. With our eyes perhaps?

MR B:

I calculate that we’re somewhere in the past.

JIM:

[TO HIMSELF] I’m sure this doesn’t happen to other podcasts.

MR B:

The window thing isn’t going to work as we’ve landed somewhere at night. I suggest, opening the door.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Very well, petit pieds. The door!

S/FX: PODCAST DOOR OPENING

JIM:

Can’t we just hit the home button? Perhaps we could assemble the ‘Creative Squad’, you know, Leonardo, Kierkegaard and Hitchcock? Could be handy?

MR B:

We don’t know where we are. Why not assemble some superheroes, you know Ironman, the Hulk…

JIM:

Creativity always wins Mr b. Now my plan is…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough! What if I do this?

S/FX: CHIRPING SQUIRREL

MR B:

WHAT?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Put the duck down! This…

S/FX: BUTTON CLICKING

JIM:

Alright then… we’ll… er, erm…

MR B:

I see.

JIM:

Do you?

MR B:

Yes!

JIM:

O’. What happened?

MR B:

Her Majesty has switched off the randomiser and repeat buttons.

JIM:

O’… Mr b, why does Jelly Trumpet have a randomiser button and repeat button?

MR B:

I was trying to recreate your brain.

JIM:

I see.

S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: THE SMART DEVICE

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.

This episode is: ‘The Smart Device’

THE SCENE: JUST OUTSIDE THE JELLY TRUMPET PODCAST STUDIO

S/FX: KNOCKING ON A DOOR

JIM:

Is that the door?

MR B:

Well, it’s not a woodpecker tapping out his shopping list.

S/FX: DOOR OPENING

MARY:

You must be Mr b and you must be Mr Jim.

JIM:

Yes, erm?

MARY:

Mary, I’m an entrepreneur. I hear Jelly Trumpet studios can make a podcast for anyone? I have a new smart lifestyle device, for the wrist, that I need to promote to the world.  

MR B:

Yes. We can do that. What is this smart lifestyle device worn on the wrist?

MARY:

I call it the Fatbit.

JIM

Fatbit? As in, erm, like a Fitbit?

MARY:

No Jim. As in Fatbit.

MR B:

So, does it work like a Fitbit?

MARY:

No. It makes people happy.

JIM:

How does it do that?

MARY:

It’s programmed to track your movements throughout the day.

JIM:

And…

MARY:

When you hit one thousand steps Fatbit will notify you that you’d ‘better have a sit down’ and ‘have a piece of cake.’ If you hit two thousand steps and it is after 6pm Fatbit beeps and insists ‘You have a nice glass of wine.’ And when you reach your daily steps goal Fatbit insists you have a candle lit bath and a pie of your choice.

JIM:

Brilliant. We’ll make the podcast.

MR B:

I’ve already got some ideas for an original theme tune.

MARY:

Excellent! Would you like a Fatbit?

JIM & MR B:

Two please!

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

MR B:

Just for you Mr Jim.

S/FX: BUTTON CLICKING

S/FX: MUSIC INDICATING THE RAPID PASSING OF TIME INTERSPERSED WITH THREE SMALL BANGS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who are these gentlemen?

MR B:

It’s my birthday gift for Mr Jim. Meet Leonardo da Vinci, Soren Kierkegaard and Alfred Hitchcock.

JIM:

Fantastic! Mr b, you are a technical GENIUS! So, now we’re going back in time to 1586?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I didn’t know it was Mr Jim’s birthday today.

JIM:

It isn’t but one day it will be.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

A premature birthday present. I like it.

JIM:

Delighted to meet you gentlemen. Our mission… wait. Why are there lips moving and there’s no sound coming out of their mouths?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. Why is that Mr b?

MR B:

I’ve invented… the ‘mute badge.’ See the shiny red steel badge each is wearing? Anyone wearing such a badge is rendered mute. The badge means they can only speak with the aid of the remote control which I’ve integrated into our ultimate gizmo, cMac!

JIM:

Brilliant invention Mr b! I love it… we could sell ‘mute badges’ around the world. Erm. One thing Mr b? Why?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes, petite pieds. Why?

MR B

Because I can. Now a challenge for you Mr Jim.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

A challenge?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You’re spoiling him Mr b.

MR B:

A challenge Jim [WHISPERING] and it saves the podcast’s voice-artist budget. [NORMAL VOICE] It means you have your crack team of creative heroes but they can only communicate through mime.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

C’est tout un défi.

JIM:

So, what you’re telling me Mr b, is that I have creative geniuses that are now a team of creative mutes. In effect, the three wise mimers?

MR B:

That’s right!

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

But we can use the integrated remote on cMac to allow them to speak?

MR B:

Only if you get stuck. Interesting challenge, eh? You love a challenge, Jim.

JIM:

I’m not sure I do anymore. [TO HIMSELF] I must write something I really enjoy. Cooking at Christmas say…

QUEEN ELEANOR:
Well, I have to get back to the gym. Find a way around the giant badger, get some exercise or…

MR B:

Setting Jelly Trumpet course to 1586! FOR ALL MANKIND!

TONY:

This is going well. [YAWNS] eh?. Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.

[YAWNING] I enjoy cricket.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

JIM INTRODUCES GUEST

END

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: BURST OF ELIZABETHAN MUSIC

MR B:

Here we are Mr Jim. 1585.

JIM:

We’re supposed to be in 1586.

MR B:

We can wait.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nudge up Mr b.

MR B:

Nudging!

SF/X: NUDGING SOUND

S/FX: A BOING OR EQUIVALENT SOUND

MR B:

Here we are then Mr Jim, 1586.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bon Mr b.

MR B:

Let’s see if we can find that Bullington plot thing…

JIM:

Babington, Babington, Babington…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Stop Babington-ing!

JIM:

Sorry your Majesty. Exactly where have you landed us in 1586 Mr b?

MR B:

Checking coordinates, looking at the London A to Z, using Google search and looking out the window. I see. We’re in Hampton Court. 

JIM:

O’.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Looks like we’re in the garden. Nigel! Sniff the garden!

S/FX: DOOR LOCK OPENING AND NIGEL CHIRPING

MR B:

Right! Let’s do this thing!

JIM:

Yes… yes…let’s… Shouldn’t we bring cMac?

MR B:

No. It’ll be fine Mr Jim.

S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

• Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
• And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to write a stage play in one minute, about 16^th century pirates!

JIM:

OK. Here we go…

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Moving on.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: ELIZABETHAN MUSIC

MR B:

Have you assembled Mr Jim?

JIM:

[MYSTIFIED] Erm, yes. I am complete.

MR B:

I mean. Have you assembled your three wise mimers?

JIM:

Well, yes. Look.

MR B:

They’ll need a cover story.

QEEEN ELEANOR:

How about we say they are three wise mime artists. Mummers if you will?

MR B:

That’s clever.

JIM:

Very clever.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Let us get on with this challenge for Mr Jim. Precisely what are we doing? [A BEAT] You have written this bit haven’t you Mr Jim?

JIM:

Sort of. Well, in my head.

MR B:

[EXASPERATED] Not again.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Correct Nigel. We need a plan Mr Jim! Look Nigel! A giant oak tree.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: NIGEL SCAMPERING AWAY

JIM:

Right. Well, let’s find anyone looking Spanish, they’ll be looking to invade you see, make England a Catholic country again, and then, er, we find Antony Babington and we, errrrr, tear up his letters!

MR B:

Right!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

If we do that then the Queen of Scots will escape execution and be a polite and loyal queen to Elizabeth I, Queen rules.

JIM:

Ah! Yes, Queen rules.

MR B:

Queen rules!

RIFF: 7

JIM:

Let’s put this conundrum to the three wise mimers. Look chaps…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Why don’t you have a creative woman in your alternative assembly?

JIM:

You’re right your Majesty. For the next team of creatives we’ll pick Frida Kahlo, Sandi Toksvig and perhaps Mary Wollstonecraft. It’ll be a different vibe. Please accept my apologies, tend to think like a chap, a lot.  Right, chaps, the problem is…

S/FX: SHORT INTERLUDE MUSIC – 5 BEATS

MR B:

What is Leonardo doing?

JIM:

He appears to be miming painting.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And Kierkegaard?

JIM:

He’s thinking. You can tell by him stroking his chin. And, Hitchcock is framing the shot.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I gave up a trip to the gym for this! It was my favourite class, the combined spinning and HIIT session.

JIM:

O’, what is this class called?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Spit.

JIM:

I see. Gyms, eh? Right the three wise mummers have only just started.

MR B:

Look some people are coming this way!

JIM:

OK. Leave this to me…

S/FX: INTERLUDE MUSIC FADES INTO:

S/FX: CLANKING OF CHAINS. PERHAPS MOANING OF PRISONERS AND THE ODD SCREAM. THEN DRIPPING WATER

QUEEN ELEANOR

Again Mr Jim? Again, we leave it to you and we end up in a dungeon. Can’t you write us on a sunny island by the sea?

MR B:

You’re forgetting the Treasure Island incident your Majesty.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Perhaps not then. Volcanoes exploding and sand EVERYWHERE! We almost died! Why don’t you ask your three wise mummers how we get out of the dungeon?

JIM:

I’m thinking…

MR B:

Not that again! [A BEAT] Perhaps you should stop doing thinking Mr Jim. [A BEAT] Thinking what?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He hasn’t been thinking sensible things, has he? HIs thoughts are like a cat chasing leaves, like a rabbit in a vegetable patch, like an MP on Have I Got News for You…

JIM:

Yes. Somehow, I’ve assembled the wrong creatives.

MR B:

Well, at least you didn’t assemble Bono, Peter Kay and Joe Pasquale. 

JIM:

Got it! We, that’s us, your majesty, Mr b. We, we can be creative and get ourselves out of this dungeon!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Of course.

JIM:

Hurrah! Right…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Right…

MR B:

Right…

TWO BEATS

JIM:

Look! Up there! There’s a small window. We could squeeze through that!

MR B:

That must be twenty feet up. You’d have to breath in, a lot, Mr Jim and I mean lose a stone, if you are to squeeze through that…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I have an idea…

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. So, this episode, things I do on a long car journey.

Number one: Make Brum Brum noises when changing gear

Number two: Play I spy in French, by myself

Number three: Sing along to anything by Abba

Number four: Count my faults

Number five: Count my blessings

Number six: Count Mini Coopers, three in a row? Italian Job!

Number seven: Frown at BMW drivers  

Number eight: Swear at BMW drivers

Number nine: Pretend

Number ten: Think about Cate Blanchett in a hayloft  

Number eleven: Shout cows!  

Number twelve: Slow down to eat a pork pie

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: CLANKING OF CHAINS. DRIPPING WATER

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well, this is most surprising.

JIM:

Brilliant isn’t it?

MR B:

Yes brilliant! So, what you’ve done there Mr Jim is created a human ladder. Three of the  greatest creative minds standing on each other’s shoulders and now reaching all the way up to the small window!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I will go first.

JIM:

After you Mr b!

S/FX: DIFFERENT MALE GROANS AND GRUNTS

MR B:

Thank you, Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Mr Hitchcock is very strong and who’d have thought a Danish philosopher could balance so well?

MR B:

[SOUNDS OF EXERTION] Careful when you get to Kierkegaard Mr Jim. He juts out a bit.

JIM:

That will be him stroking his chin. Right o’ Mr b. Ascending now!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Shhhhh! [WHISPERING] Hurry! The guards will hear you!

JIM:

[WHISPERING] O’ no.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[WHISPERING] What is it Mr Jim? What are you stuck on?

JIM:

[WHISPERING] Hitchcock.

QUEEN ELEANOR:
[WHISPERING] We’ll get some leeches for that.

JIM:

Eh?

MR B:

Shhhh!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[WHISPERING] After me. We run to the trees; we collect Nigel. We make a dash for Jelly Trumpet…

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME STARTS AND CUTS OFF ABRUPTLY

JIM ENTERS THE SOUND BOOTH

JIM:

I’m just going to do the Creative Medicine Tip Mr b.

MR B:

Why are you taking that large stuffed Teddy Bear?

JIM:

Well.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He gets lonely. A sound booth, a microphone and just Jim. Who wouldn’t want a large stuffed Teddy Bear?

MR B:

Very well. But no clever ideas!

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

My creative medicine tip this episode is called ‘being an idea machine.’ This works for any discipline. This was conceived by a chap called James Altucher and is a variation of a a tip we’ve mentioned before, a tip that has great power, that is setting a quota, taken from Gene Perret.

Come up with 10 new ideas every day. Try for one week. The sets of 10 can be on a theme, 10 different designs for a space ship, work related 10 marketing campaign ideas no one has ever thought of or 10 ideas for making my writing stronger.

Write them up every day. So, you have 70 ideas. How did they start? Are they similar? Are you thinking in one particular way? Think about your thinking for a set amount of time each day and then leave it.

Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Well, that didn’t go as planned Mr Jim.

JIM:

No Mr b. I think we… I… fell down there with that idea. I mean, who goes around trying to change history?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who indeed. [TWO BEATS] Nigel! Le tapis de bain! Rapide!

JIM:

But Nigel has just had a bath.

QUEEN ELANOR:

It’s for his nuts.

JIM:

Erm, well…

QUEEN ELANOR:

He dropped his spare nut sack in a puddle sale.

JIM:

O’.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Try and write something sensible Mr Jim. And something that gives me time for the gym. So, as you say ‘I will have a head for the crown and a bod for sin’.

S/FX: GUITAR RIFF

MR B:

Hi Spen. Twang time.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Not yet Spen! I have to wash Nigel’s nuts.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES IN

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

I suppose we can put our feet up. Challenge done.

MR B:

Challoenge done Mr Jim? I think not. I think the evidence presented had no conclusion.

JIM:

How so Mr b?

MR B:

You were going to prove the success of creative people over superheroes. You took three of the greatest creative minds the world has ever known, da Vinci, Kierkegaard and Hitchcock and turned them into a human ladder.

JIM:

I thought that was highly creative.

MR B:

How so Mr Jim?

JIM:

I put them to other uses.

MR B:

Well…

JIM:

That’s creative is it not?

MR B:

[GRUDGINGLY] Well, technically… I suppose…

JIM:

Now what other uses can we put you to?

MR B:

Eh?

[TWO BEATS]

S/FX: DUCKS QUACKING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

NIGEL! I SAID NO DUCKLINGS!

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a time-travelling comedy podcast. Silly comedy for your listening or reading pleasure.

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

JMr b invented a magenta button that took the crew back to Roman St Albans. Because Mr b made the button duck quack activated the crew ended up in a gladiatorial arena with no hope except for a bag of fluffy ducklings. 

In this Episode

Jelly Trumpet transform into a film noir or rather a podcast noir. A mysterious villain invades the Jelly Trumpet studio. Who is he? Why has he tied the crew up and poured whiskey over them? Will the crew escape and what use is a cliché cannon?   

Why is there always a mysterious lady who disappears in a good noir? Can you win at line dancing?

Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Episode 03 – Podcast Noir

JIM:

Mr b, I am concerned about Tony.

MR B:

Tony, the voice over guy?

JIM:

The same Mr b. He’s taken to muttering quite a lot about pillows.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHRIPING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this, Nigel? A book of matches. Comment venir?

JIM:

It’s one thing for us to be the only outlawed podcast in the history of podcasts. It’s quite another to have a voice over guy muttering about pillows.

TONY:

[SOTTO VOCE] Goose feathers, mmmm[YAWNS].

MR B:

I’ll have a word with him.

JIM:

Thank you, Mr b.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What was that, Nigel? A lady came earlier? When we were at the Farmer’s Market. She dropped this book of matches? Describe her to me.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING

MR B:

I am rather busy Mr Jim.

JIM:

Doing what? Don’t tell me.

MR B:

I won’t.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS AS QUEEN ELEANOR SPEAKS HER NEXT LINES

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I see. Quite petit… ultra-blond… pencil skirt… white blouse… high heels and a beret. Nice cheek bones, that’s JUST CONTOURING! So, she’ll be back in two minutes?

MR B:

OK. It’s an experiment. I’m attempting to create an invisibility hat.

JIM:

An invisible hat? How would you find it?

MR B:

No Jim. That would be silly. The hat makes you invisible. Science you see…

JIM:

[PEEVISH] I get that but for what porpoise? [SOTTO VOCE] Damn it! Damn homonyms!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I shall inform the boys Nigel. Now go and see if Spen is awake, and… er …rested.

JIM:

Well, good luck with that Mr b. Mind you being invisible may be useful as Jelly Trumpet is now outlawed, a rogue podcast if you will. Deep sigh.

MR B:

Indeed. One thing Mr Jim? Why do we now have Eddie, the mime artist on the crew? I mean a mime artist on a podcast is a mite stu…

JIM:

It’s a directive from the Podcast Authority. All podcasts must have a resident mime artist; to keep mimers off the streets.

MR B:

Mr Jim.

JIM:

Yes?

MR B:

We’re an outlawed podcast.

JIM:

O’. Well… erm, well… yes, fair point. He’ll fit in fine.

MR B:

God help us.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel says there’s someone at the door.

S/FX: KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

JIM:

How did Nigel know there was someone at the door?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is a physic squirrel.

MR B:

He is rather talented.

JIM:

Never ending talents, that squirrel. I’m not sure I wrote something about a physic squirrel?

MR B:

Who’s at the door Tony?

TONY:

It’s the 5 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

JIM:

There are only four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

TONY:

They brought Tony Blair with them.

MR B:

O’. It’s going to be one of those episodes, is it?

TONY:

I’m back! Jelly time!

JIM:

What are you doing here?

MR B:

I’m in the script.

JIM:

O’. Yes. Yes, you are, always Mr b.

TONY:

Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

• Creative challenges!
• The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
• A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’

Plus:

• Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
• We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] I fancy some Hor-licks.

S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: FADE IN

S/FX: A DOOR OPENS

S/FX: 1940’S TYPE FILM NOIR MUSIC PLAYS

JIM:

O’ my o’ my…

MR B:

I smell trouble.

JIM:

Well, blow your nose.

MR B:

She’s rather pretty.

JIM:

Yes. We won’t let that get to me, will we?

EFFIE:

[AMERICAN ACCENT] You must help me!

JIM:

Well, we’re a podcast, we could give you some sound effects.

S/FX: DUCKS QUACKING

JIM [CONT.]:

Like ducks, erm… ducking, erm…

MR B:

Quacking Jim. Ducks quack. We also do steam noises, engine effects, xylophones AND exciting buttons…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[A GENTLE GIGGLE] Thank you Spen. Merveilleux! Nigel ici!

S/FX: A VERY TIRED GUITAR RIFF

MR B:

Erm. Some other form of help perhaps?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is this… this maiden doing here?

MR B:

The lady is just explaining your Majesty. O’, how is Spen?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Spent.

EFFIE:

I’m Effie. Effie Sake.

JIM:

Indeed. Well…

EFFIE:

I didn’t mean to kill him.

JIM:

Hang on, we’re…

MR B:

…Just podcasters. Outlaw podcasters mind…

EFFIE:

You mean…You’re not the true crime podcast ‘Only Murders in the Hotel?’

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They’re next door.

MR B & JIM:

WHAT THE!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough! Mr b the button.

MR B:

Very well.

JIM:

That’s my line!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I know.

MR B:

Any particular button your Majesty?

JIM:

How about the one that makes coffee?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

The calm button Mr b.

S/FX: A LOUD CLUNK

JIM:

O’ great, the button that goes clunk!

MR B:

I’m still testing it Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Suffisant!

MR B:

But… but… but…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

But me no buts!

JIM:

Not… not… not…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Not me no knots.

JIM:

For Fu…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[BEEP] me no [BEEPS]

EFFIE:

Next door you said?

MR B:

Yes. Bye. Pressing the calm button…NOW!

S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Hold on tight!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

It should kick in…

JIM:

Mr b. As I’ve not written this part of the script could you enlighten me as to what the calm button does? Is it anything to do with my love for film noir?

MR B:

Yes. You asked for a nostalgia trip didn’t you Jim? The calm button lurches Jelly Trumpet slightly to the left, 78 seconds in the past and erm, turns everything monochrome.

JIM:

Lurches? Excellent. So, after the button is pushed Effie Sake will miss Jelly Trumpet by 78 seconds and enter the ‘Only Murders in the Hotel?’ podcast next door? Wait! Other things? Did I ask for other things?

S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND THEN 1940S MUSIC

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well Mr b? What else did Mr Jim ask for the button to do?

MR B:

Well, I’m not at liberty your Majesty…  another successful button eh Jim?

JIM:

Mmmmm!

S/FX: A DOOR BEING BROKEN IN

MR ARCHER:

Not so fast!

TWO BEATS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Who are you?

MR ARCHER:

You can call me Mr Archer.

JIM:

Why?

MR ARCHER:

Because it’s my name.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is THAT!

MR ARCHER:

This is my associate, Mungo.

MUNGO:

Mungo!

MR ARCHER:

Mungo will now tie you up and sprinkle a delightful malt whisky with an added high concentrate of pure alcohol all over you and your studio.

JIM:

O’ Well done Mr b. Great button! We’re now going to die at the hands of a film noir baddie and someone the size of Greg Davis with the look of a flatulent Kodiak bear. So much for 78 seconds in the past. We’re going to die by malt whisky, erm is it a single malt?

MR B:

Tony do SOMETHING!

TONY:

Challenge at home!

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM:

This episode is going to be about an Edward de Bono exercise. Called Plus, minus and interesting.

Take an idea or really a decision about an idea. Take a piece of paper. Make three columns and title them, you guessed it; plus, minus and interesting.

What is the positive about this idea? What is the minus value of this idea? If any of what comes to you doesn’t fit in plus or minus then put it in the interesting column.

Give yourself ten minutes, time discipline is somewhat important in creativity. Now you have anchored all the ideas you have. Read, remember and leave overnight. Tomorrow, because of this anchoring your unconscious mind will have made the right decision for your project.

Tell us what you discovered; post it on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.

Now where were we? O’ yes, tied to chairs and soaked in delightful single malt whisky.  

RIFF 3

S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You know Nigel, for a physic squirrel you have rather let us down.

SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

Why have they tied us up, sprinkled [HE SNIFFS] Speyside? No… perhaps an Islay…

JIM:

Could be a Highland malt… well Mr b, do you think they all burn when set alight? What I want to know is why two, er hoodlums from the 1940s are here in Jelly Trumpet in the present day?

MR B:

[LYING] I’ve no idea.

JIM:

Wait! Look around. The studio, us, even Nigel is in monochrome.

S/FX: DA, DA, DA MUSIC

QEEN ELEANOR:

They took Effie. Pour l’amour de la merde! My bright silken robes of russet and peach have gone GREY!

MR B:

A slight problem with the, er… erm… the button calibration perhaps.

JIM:

Button calibration, eh? You’ve moved the podcast slightly to the left, into the 1940s and if I am not mistaken, into the plot of a black and white film noir. That’s more than 78 seconds in the past, eh Mr b?

[A BEAT]

MR B:

You love Film Noir.

JIM:

I do actually. I particularly admire The Third Man. Now Orson Welles…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Assez de bêtises! We could go up in flames any minute. Think! Think imbéciles!

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

I think Eddie the mime would be a great addition to the…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Not about that! Think about avoiding a horrible death by whisky flames, think of that, if you please.

MR B:

I could command cMac, our ultimate gizmo, to use its lasers…

JIM:

Not lasers Mr b!

MR B:

Good point. Anyway, he’s currently disassembled for his 10,000 Americano service.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

10,000 Americano service?

JIM:

You’re forgetting your Majesty that Mr b adapted cMac from a mid-range coffee machine into the ultimate gizmo to save us in times of trouble and shenanigans.  

MR B:

cMac does make a lot of coffee…

JIM:

Yes! Not just Americanos, he does lattes, flat whites….

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Académique! Boys, if only we had some form of sharp object.

S/FX: CHIRPING SQUIRREL

MR B:

If only…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[SARCASTIC] If only…

JIM:

If only…

MR B:

While we’re thinking perhaps, we could play the micro sitcom. [TWO BEATS] I think if I twist right, suddenly dive to my left, I could hit the play button with my right… wait, my left elbow. [TWO BEATS] GERONIMO!

S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED

S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE

THE STARTUP: THE AWARDS FOR AWARD CEREMONIES PRE-SHOW

TONY:

The Start up! A micro sitcom.

Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.

This episode is: ‘The Awards for Award Ceremonies Pre-Show Rehearsal’

THE SCENE: A VERY POSH HOTEL. BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED TABLES ARE BEING SET FOR AN AWARDS DINNER

S/FX: SOUND OF CUTLERY BEING PLACED ON A TABLE

MARY:

Now Jason! You understand the importance of the awards for award ceremonies?

JASON:

Well, I don’t quite understand. An award ceremony for awards ceremonies? How? What?

MARY:

It’s quite simple Jason, a four-year-old could understand…

JASON:

[SARCASTIC] Would madam like me to get a four-year-old?

MARY:

What?! No Jason. I want you to understand. To promote my top three brands, I have founded the awards ceremony for the best of other award ceremonies. Here, here in your hotel, Hotel Marginal.

JASON:

I see.

MARY:

Good! Now, let’s go through some details so you have the full picture. O’ and I want the photographer stationed here [A BEAT] with the dagger, the dog and the baby.

MARVIN:

Certainly, wait… what?

MARY:

It’s quite simple Jason. A five-year-old could understand. Each object represents one of my brands, the dagger for my protein packed cakes for bodybuilders, ‘Murder Cake’, the dog for my dog owner app ‘iDogger’ and the baby for my make up for babies’ brand, hide the dribbles, ‘BabyMaker’. Must work on that tag line…

S/FX: CLINKING OF GLASSES

JASON:

A dog, a dagger and a baby. Isn’t that dangerous?

MARY:

Branding is about reality Jason, reality and honesty. So, there might be an incident or two. Moving on. The most prestigious awards for other award ceremonies will be… are you listening Jason? You have the attention span of a six-year-old.

JASON:

What if the props get mixed up?

MARY:

Don’t be silly. Have you ever mixed up a baby with a dagger?

JASON:

Not yet.

MARY:

The first award for an award ceremony is for the Wurlitzer Awards for Marketing, the category award, Best Theft of Consumer Data. Second up will be the PR Weekly Awards, the category, Best Reality Star Sob Story on a Saturday Night. Then one of the major awards for award ceremonies, the Elon Musk Fellowship for Self-Obsessed Digital Madness. Are we clear Jason?

S/FX: GLASSES CLINKING

JASON:

I think so.

SILENCE FOR TWO BEATS

MARY:

You have a question?

JASON:

So, everyone winning an award gets a dagger, a dog and, er… a baby?

MARY:

Jason. Get me the six-year-old.

JASON:

Certainly madam.

END

RIFF: 4

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT

MR B:

Have you ever been tied to a chair before Mr Jim?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel les dents. ici mordre!

JIM:

Only recreationally Mr b.

MR B:

Eh? Really, fancy that?! Our third episode of Jelly Trumpet season 3 and we’ve been tied to chairs and sprinkled with highly flammable malt whisky… pretty sure it’s an Islay.

JIM:

Most unusual Mr b. I think we should consider thinking about our predicament? There must be a logical explanation and therefore a logical solution. I’m sure it’s a Highland malt.

MR B:

Yes. But what is the logical solution?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bon Nigel.

JIM:

O’ your majesty, if you and Nigel are going out can you get me two Scotch Eggs and some salad cream?

MR B:

And we’re out of coff…wait!

JIM:

Yes wait. Let’s check the fridge, o’.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I’d be better off sharing this podcast with a couple of pies, mince & onion perhaps? Well?

MR B:

[SHEEPISH] Looks like her Majesty has solved our predicament.

JIM:

[SHEEPISH] Yes it does. I mean she’s really good at predicaments. But how?

S/FX: CHATTERING TEETH

MR B

O’ I see. Nigel and…

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

…his needle-like teeth. Gosh. That’s clever.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! Bit les tartes!

MR B:

Nigel is very talented. It’s wonderful what he can do with his needle-like teeth. Remember him stripping the varnish off that Bistro Style Dining chair so her Majesty could have a post-modern throne?

S/FX:  CHATTERING TEETH SPED UP

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now we must follow the American maiden, this, supposed, Effie Sake.

JIM:

Right, you are Ma’am!

MR B:

Coming your majesty.

[TWO BEATS]

JIM:

I am tempted to suck my trousers.

MR B:

Understandable Mr Jim. I believe we have been sprinkled with a fine [SNIFFS], yes, definitely a 10-year-old Islay Malt.

JIM:

Well, well, well…

QUEEN ELEANOR:
ENOUGH! Salade brains!

Mr B:

O’ it was 78 years not 78 seconds. Must adjust the button calibration.

TONY:

Who’ll read me a story before bed, [YAWNS] eh?. Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.

[SOTTO VOCE] I’ve read a newspaper twice.

S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN

JIM INTRODUCES GUEST

END

RIFF: 5

S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TONY:

‘This is just too black and white’, ‘the rat bastard deserved it,’ ‘corpses are like road signs…when you see them, there’s always trouble ahead…’

JIM:

What are you doing Mr b?

MR B:

That’s not me. I was just loading my cliché cannon. I’ve taken up inventing useful things to take to the cinema.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Cliché cannon?

MR B:

Yes.

JIM:

I’m curious Mr b. Here we are standing in a dark alley in the middle of St Albans. Our clothes are saturated with an Islay malt whisky and we’re about to break-in and enter ‘Archer & Mungo’s Private Investigators’ locked office and you are loading a cliché cannon. O’ and did I mention we and this alley are all in black and white? And why has Nigel brought a large bag of nuts?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel is nut hungry.

MR B:

I invented the cliché cannon for just such an occasion Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What? What use are cliches in such a situation Mr b?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

Somehow, we’ve ended up in a black and white film noir world. The, er…  calibration… erm must have broken. Anyway, cliches will abound in film noir.. But we can outflank these 1940s film noir cliches with multiple modern clichés of our own. Hence the cliché cannon.

S/FX: POLICE SIREN

JIM:

What do you mean ‘outflank?’

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough! We are lucky that Nigel is a sniffer squirrel and he led us to this office. For Effie Sake.

JIM:

There’s no need for that sort of language.

MR B:

That’s the kidnapped woman’s name Jim.

JIM:

O’.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel will break in the door. Mr b will enter first and fire some clichés. On trois, une, deux, TROIS!

S/FX: DOOR BEING BROKEN IN

MR B:

FIRING CANNON! I was born ready… cover me, I’m going in… let’s do this thing… wait, did you hear something?

S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC

COMING UP

TONY:

Coming up!

•          Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge

•          List of the week

• Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
• And a surprise post music scene!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME

CHALLENGE JIM

TONY:

Challenge Jim!

S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC

MR B:

Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to write a film script in one minute, about a bank robbery in 1940’s London.

JIM:

Ffffffffffffff Mr b! OK. Here we go…

[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]

MR B:

Moving on.

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

RIFF: 6

S/FX: FEET CRUNCHING BROKEN GLASS

MR B:

There’s nobody here.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nothing but an old office chair, a scratched desk and an Amazon delivery box… empty.

JIM:

I wonder Mr b; do you remember when we had Katy Perry as a guest on the show?

MR B:

What? No Jim.

JIM:

Why don’t you remember?

MR B:

Because it never happened. You’ve made that up, haven’t you?

QEEEN ELEANOR:

Not this again.

MR B:

If he can make stuff up [SARCASTIC] then can he make up a Whopper Burger and large fries?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And some Mini Cheddars.

JIM:

Well, no.

MR B:

What was in the Amazon box?

MR B:

Looks like it could have been…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

You’ve no idea Mr b.

JIM:

He’s no idea.

MR B:

Well… no.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Was that Nigel?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

That’s right Nigel. Nigel found a clue earlier, a book of matches. See!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

I see…

MR B:

Talk about clichés…

JIM:

It’s promoting that nightclub. The one that opened last week in The Maltings shopping centre.

MR B:

O’ yes. Club Couscous.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Come Nigel! We ride!

S/FX: JAZZY 1940’S STYLE MUSIC

RIFF: 7

JIM:

It went like this Mr b. Katy Perry came on the show and…

S/FX: HARP MUSIC FOR GOING BACK IN TIME. SUDDENLY CUTS OFF

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Arrête Jim!

JIM:

Just a thought… What if we had a really famous guest on the podcast?

MR B:

[CLICK LIKE A SHOTGUN BEING LOADED] Loading cliché cannon! We’ve got a job to do… now… where were we…I f I’m not back in 2 minutes blow the whole goddam joint?

S/FX: POLITE APPLAUSE

S/FX: SOFT NIGHTCLUB JAZZ

VOICE:

All the way from the United States, Club Couscous presents the singing legend, Cat Berry!

S/FX: SOME OLD 1940’s TYPE SONG WHICH FADES AWAY

MR B:

Cat Berry? Well, what a coincidence. Look Jim. It’s Mungo!

JIM:

Let’s follow him!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

A moment! I have to adjust my crown…

MR B:

That Cat Berry… she’s…

JIM:

A lovely face… such cheekbones…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

It’s just HIGHLIGHTS! Now move!

S/FX: THE 1940’s SONG FADES UP FOR A FEW BEATS AND THEN FADES AWAY

JIM:

How are we going to deal with Mungo?

MR B:

We could use the cliché cannon?

JIM:

Risky Mr b. What if it misfires? The room will be full of cliches and we won’t know what’s a good line of dialogue to stand on. What about using, erm… Nigel?

QUEEN ELEANOR

You are forgetting that Nigel, is not only the size of a St Bernard doggie, he is an attack squirrel.

JIM:

Yes. I was forgetting that.

MR B:

And he does have needle-like teeth.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

He’s also a sniffer squirrel.

JIM:

O’ yes, a squirrel of many roles…

MR B:

And nuts…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Enough boys! Mr b opens the door, Mr Jim goes left and you Nigel! You leap at Mungo, leap high, use your needle teeth and ALL of your claws. On trios… une… deux…

JIM:

What am I doing again?

MR B:

You go to the left…

JIM:

Right! Wait! That’s a bit vague.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

All right. You go left and whistle ‘La Marseillaise.’

JIM:

OK! Great.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

TROIS!

S/FX: DOOR BANGING OPEN

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Stay where you are! Now Nigel! Take this bag of nuts! Nigel ATTAQUE!

MR B:

What part of stay where you are don’t you understand?

S/FX: CHIRPING VERY LOUD AND VERY EXCITED

S/FX: VARIOUS CRASHES AND SOUND OF A FIGHT MIXED WITH NIGEL’S CHIRPS AND A VERY POOR ATTEMPT TO WHISTLE ‘LA MARSEILLAISE’

S/FX: SHORT BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

Well Jim, that’s gone well.

JIM:

Yes Mr b. That’s gone very well. I must say that Nigel is a vicious little [BEEP].

QUEEN ELEANOR:

And yet, in squirrel years he is a toddler. Now. What’s next?

S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC

LIST OF THE WEEK

TONY:

List of the week!

JIM:

This episode. Things I do on the beach. Just joking. I never go to the beach. So, this episode, things I wish I could do.

Number one: Drive a Formula 1 car.

Number two: Believe nine out of ten MPs.

Number three: Finish a film after 11:30 on a Saturday night.

Number four: Leave food on my plate.

Number five: Take America seriously.

Number six: Read a book on a waterslide.

Number seven: Put Instagram down.  

Number eight: Dream of a better BBC.

Number nine: Drive a car without making high revving engine noises.

Number ten: Attract butterflies.

Number eleven: Believe a headline in the Daily Mungo.

Number twelve: Sleep without Pook, my Jellycat cuddly sloth.

All of the above are true. Well, not the America bit.

EXITS SOUND BOOTH

I’m sweating like an American called Bob junior, the third.

MR B:

That’s such a cliché Mr Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Many a word spoken in jest turns out to be a cliché Mr b.  

MR B:

Quite your Majesty. What’s in a name, eh?

RIFF: 8

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: TINKLE OF BROKEN GLASS FALLING ON THE FLOOR

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Effie Sake!

JIM:

We’ve talked about this your Majesty.

MR B:

How many more times Jim? Effie Sake is the American lady’s name.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well? Explain yourself jeune femme!

EFFIE:

No.

MR ARCHER:

What have you done to Mungo!?

MUNGO:

[WEARY AND MUFFLED] Mungo.

JIM:

Sorry about that. Nigel get youserlf and your nut bag off the man’s face.

MR B:

Well, what now?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

We are here to set Effie free.

MR B:

Yes. We are the rescuers!

JIM:

Release her!

MR ARCHER:

Effie?

EFFIE:

Dad?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Dad?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

Dad?

JIM:

Dad?

MR B:

Dad? Well, how about I pack up the cliché cannon, Nigel puts his nuts back in their sack, her Majesty makes peace with ladies with high cheekbones and you Jim. You write us another plot?

JIM:

I quite like this plot Mr b. Not sure I wrote it but I had been drinking and as you said. I do like film noir and, er… other things. Wait! For [BEEP] sake!

EFFIE:

Yes?

MR B:

What is it Mr Jim?

JIM:

Effie said she ‘didn’t mean to kill him!’

EFFIE:

NOW MUNGO!

MUNGO:

Mungo!

S/FX: A LIGHT BEING SWITCHED OFF

JIM:

Bugger! Mungo’s switched all the lights off.

MR B:

What now?

S/FX: A LIGHT BEING SWITCHED ON

QUEEN ELEANOR:
We switch the lights on again enfants.

JIM:

I see.

MR B:

Me too.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

They have escaped. Quick! After them! Nigel! We ride!

S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME

CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP

JIM:

My creative medicine tip this episode is called ‘being a villain.’ For a creative writer, take a scene or chapter from a well-known piece of work. Say you take ‘Jack and the Beanstalk, rewrite the piece from the point of view of the giant. Make him the hero.

If you are a marketer, a copywriter say. Take everything doubtful about the product or service and write a letter of complaint. Everything you can think of that’s wrong. Write as a disgruntled customer or client. Now you have the starting point for taking those complaints and turning them around to make that complainant an evangelist for the brand.

Email me if I can help your creative project, jelly@jellytrumpet.com

RIFF: 9

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

MR B:

We’ve got them cornered! Better stand behind me your Majesty.

JIM:

No! Both of you. Stand behind me.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

I’m the queen and I choose to fight!

MR ARCHER:

We’ll settle this the old-fashioned way! [AFFECTS A STRONG AMERICAN SOUTH ACCENT] I am Beauregard, Preston, Hunter, Travis, Waylone Des Moines Arthur Archer the fourth!

JIM:

There’s four of them?

MR B:

FOURTH Jim! Fourth. Not four!

QUEEN ELANOR:

Do your worst! Nigel preparer!

MR ARCHER:

Mungo! If you please. The loser will be the last one to shout Yee Haw!

MUNGO:

Mungo calls!

S/FX: LINE DANCING MUSIC WITH A CALLER GIVING INSTUCTIONS

JIM, MR B, QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nooooooo!

LINE DANCING CALLER: Circle left… roll away… half sashay… Ladies in… men sashay… Box the gnat, pass through… separate… and go home…

THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE TAKES PLACE WITH THE LINE DANCING MUSIC AND CALLING IN THE BACKGROUND

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Help!

MR B:

Mr Jim… if I never see you again…

JIM;

It’s been a pleasure podcasting with you Mr b…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Hang on mes petits fous! We can two-step and twist!

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES IN

IDENT & OUTRO

S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE

TONY:

That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’

Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!

Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.

JIM:

Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.

MUSIC

‘We Paint Houses’ tune.

RIFF 10

S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME

JIM:

[SHOUTING] Man against the wind! A beetle on its back! The second world war! Got it! Wasp in a bottle…

MR B:

What are you doing Mr Jim?

JIM:

Well Eddie the Mime Artist is doing a mime and I’m guessing what he’s miming…

MR B:

There you go Eddie.

JIM:

What are you doing?

MR B:

Eddie got the belt of his jeans caught on the door handle again Mr Jim.

JIM:

O’.

MR B:

Who’d have thought, eh?

JIM:

Yes. Who’d have thought? Wait…what?

MR B:

That Nigel was a champion line dancer.

JIM:

O’ that. Yes. Most unexpected.

[TWO BEATS]

JIM, MR B, QUEEN ELEANOR:

YEE HAW!

THANK YOU’S

JIM:

Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!

S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE

Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a time-travelling comedy podcast. Silly comedy for your listening or reading pleasure.

The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:

• Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
• Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
• Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode

Minor characters:

• Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
• Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
• cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
• Tony, the voice over guy

Previously on Jelly Trumpet

Jim was cured of Gen Z. by the care and love of Mr b and Queen Eleanor. He is now back in the adult world, telling Dad jokes and writing sensible Jelly Trumpet episodes.

In this Episode

Things take a turn for the worse when Jelly Trumpet goes back in time and lands in Roman St Albans in AD 265.

 Will the crew survive a deadly gladiatorial arena? How could ducks possibly help?  

Useful Stuff:

Our Sponsor:
Conversion Detectives, the creative digital marketing agency

Our Resident Band, the magnificent
‘We Paint Houses’

Fancy seeing some silly memes and general shenanigans? Jelly Trumpet does social, do you?

Jelly Trumpet: Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

Read the Script

Season 3 Episode 02 – Gladiator Ducks

RIFF 1

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

S/FX: DOOR BELL RINGS

JIM:

Who’s that at the door Tony?

TONY:

Iceland.

JIM:

Can’t be Tony. Iceland is a large island in the North Atlantic. Hardly likely to be visiting Jelly Trumpet in St Albans.

S/FX: SQUIRREL CHRIPING

ELEANOR:

Yes. Nigel. Soon my pet. Iceland have delivered your frozen nuts!

JIM:

Mr b. I am worried about the podcast. I mean we must be the only podcast in the history of podcasting to be declared outlaw. How can that be? What can we do? We’re outlaws… what would you suggest we do to overcome this almighty calamity? I mean the world is all ‘bread and games’ just like ancient Rome. Should we pack it all in and go back to the real world or should we embrace this development and ride the wave of, erm…

TONY:

[SOTTO VOCE] I might as well be invisible [YAWNS].

MR B:

Yes Jim.

JIM:

IT WAS… [HE RESTRAINS HIMSELF] [DEEP BREATH] it was an either-or question!

S/FX: THE SOFT QUACK OF A DUCK

MR B:

OK. Well, the second one.

JIM:

Yes. The second one. Mmmm. Yes. The second one.

MR B:

I am rather busy.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel wants to show you, his collection.

JIM:

BUSY! Science, is it?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel has rescued many, many…

MR B:

Something like that…

S/FX: TWO SOFT DUCK QUACKS

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

JIM:

Alright a…

TONY:

I need a kip.

JIM:

That’s enough voice over guy! A quid pro quo Mr b.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Patience Nigel. We are, after all dealing with une paire de marionettes.

JIM:

Quid pro quo Mr b. It means…

MR B:

[TETCHY] I know what it means. It’s Latin! I’m trying to make this work. Now… What have you got?

JIM:

My latest script calls on a new member of the Jelly Trumpet crew.

MR B:

Go on.

JIM:

Eddie.

MR B:

Eddie? Eddie? Eddie?

JIM:

Eddie the mime artist.

MR B:

Eh?

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes Nigel. You would think that these hors-la-loi would be sensible for a minute. [SHE SIGHS]. We’ll try again later. Come. Find me Spen. I want some time of… leisure [SHE GIGGLES GIRLISHLY].

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS AND PLAYS A FEW NOTES ON THE TENOR SAX

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME CUTS IN

TONY:

I’m back! Jelly time!

JIM:

What are you doing here?

MR B:

It’s in the script you wrote.

JIM:

This is very similar to a dream I had in Wales.

TONY:

Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!

S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME

TRAILER

TONY:

In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:

• Creative challenges!
• The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
• A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’

Plus:

• Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
• We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band

Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!

Get ready to RUMBLE!

[SOTTO VOCE] I’ve read a book you know. A green one.

S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE

RIFF 2

S/FX: FADE IN

S/FX: A CUPBOARD DOOR CREAKS OPEN

JIM:

Mr b, why do we have Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore and Tiger in the big cupboard?

MR B:

Because they wouldn’t fit in the small cupboard.

JIM:

I see. O’ well, could be useful later, perhaps in a future episode. Where did we get them?

MR B:

Season 2, episode 7. Remember? An episode called Rearrange when we landed on Treasure Island.

JIM:

O’ yes! [HE CHUCKLES] That was fun.

MR B:

We almost died Jim. The volcano. Remember?

JIM:

Well, apart from that.

S/FX: SLIGHTLY MORE DUCKS QUACKING

JIM [CONT.]:

Did you hear that?

MR B:

As I said. I’m busy. [ ABEAT] This device is very sensitive. It picks up any stray thoughts.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

[A GENTLE GIGGLE] Thank you Spen. Merveilleux! Nigel ici!

S/FX: A VERY TIRED GUITAR RIFF

MR B:

I think the colour magenta. Maybe the hot magenta… mmmm!

S/FX: KNOCKING ON A DOOR

QUEEN ELEANOR:

What is that knocking?

MR B:

It’s JB. Must be time for his rice pudding and yoghurt.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel. Obtenir le pudding. [CLAPPING HANDS] Rapide!

MR B:

Imagine if we were late with his pudding!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. His singing would be so off key!

JIM:

What is that magenta colour for Mr b?

MR B:

Nothing to see here Jim.

JIM:

OK. I’ll just fetch Eddie.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Now Nigel!

S/FX: LOTS OF DUCKS QUACKING

MR B & JIM:

WHAT THE!

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Vois ici! Nigel’s collection. Nigel has collected all the orphan ducks from the Verulamium Pond, soooooo cute, from the river Verrrr [elongating the ‘r’].

MR B:

Verrrrr?

JIM:

Verrrrr?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Yes. Verrrr. The river that runs through St Albans.

MR B:

Ver? Somehow it doesn’t sound finished.

JIM:

We can’t have dozens of ducklings running around the podcast. I mean, they are adorably cute. But it’s a mite mad. O’, Verrr, is that where the Romans got the name Verulamium from? You know the Latin name for St Albans?

MR B & QUEEN ELEANOR:

[LAUGHING] Yes Jim.

S/FX: A LOUD CLUNK

JIM:

What’s so funny? What the hell was that?!

MR B:

Nothing Jim.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Is it another butt…

MR B:

No, your majesty. Now everyone be quiet while I fix this… erm butt… this bean.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Bean?

MR B:

Shhhhhhhhhh! You’ll set the bean off!

JIM:

All I asked for was a quid pro quo…. Latin you know! Roman, Roman, Roman for… I’d like to visit ancient Rome. Fascinating…

MR B:

Yes Jim. You like history. [S/FX: WHIRRING SOUND] Nooooooo. The butt… the bean is sound activated. The ducklings must have set it off! O’ gawd!

JIM:

What is sound activated?

MR B:

The butt… bean.

S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Nigel! ranger les canards.

S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS

MR B:

I may have crossed a line, again.

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Where are we going?

MR B:

We’re…we’re…we’re…we’re…we’re…we’re…

S/FX: SOUND OF A FACE BEING SLAPPED

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Well?

MR B:

[HURT] that was quite stimulating. [SHEEPISH] Could be anywhere. Perhaps the past?

JIM:

The past!? Well, the past? [UBER SARCASTIC] That will be lovely at this time of the year!

S/FX: PODCAST LANDING SOUND

MR B:

I see. The podcast dials have recognised where the podcast has landed. The good news is we’re still in St Albans.

[A BEAT]

JIM:

And the bad news Mr b?

MR B:

O’, there isn’t any bad news Mr Jim.

JIM:

Really?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Come now Mr b. We’ve talked about this. We confront the truth.

TWO BEATS

S/FX: SOUND OF FISTS ON FLESH. GENERAL FIGHTING NOISE OUTSIDE

MR B:

Thank you, your Majesty. I needed a good thronging. Well, we’ve landed in the third century when St Albans was under Roman rule, you know Verulamium. You like history don’t you Jim?

QUEEN ELEANOR:

Putain d’idiot!

MR B:

Easy ma’am! At least it’s not Borehamwood on a Friday night during a Wetherspoons promotion.

JIM:

Right. Ancient Britain… Romans everywhere. How the hell…? We need some thinking time! Let’s do one of the creative tip’s sections. You know before [VERY ANGRY] we end up trampled by some armoured rhinos in the Verulamium theatrum for the amusement of the plebeians?

MR B:

About this experiment…

QUEEN ELEANOR:

TU TARTES!  Play the ‘Challenge at Home’ tape.

MR B:

cMac! cMac play the ‘Challenge at Home’ tape.

TONY:

Challenge at home!

CHALLENGE AT HOME

JIM:

This episode is about listening and creating. Go for a walk and listen. That’s all. Well, not quite. Remember at least five sounds you hear.

When you get home write the five or more sound down. Ask yourself, what do they remind you of? Now take your five sounds and create a short story, or some music, or a picture or sculpture.  

What emotion do the combination of sounds bring to you. That’s the title of the piece you create.

Tell us about the story, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.

EXITS SOUND BOOTH

The sound booth is not so hot today Mr b?