Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a time-travelling comedy podcast. Silly comedy for your listening or reading pleasure.
The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:
- Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
- Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
- Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode
Minor characters:
- Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
- Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
- cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
- Tony, the voice over guy
Previously on Jelly Trumpet
The crew had to overcome a mystery film noir villain, Mr Archer, being soaked in malt whiskey, line dancing and all with the help of a cliché cannon and a multi-talented squirrel.
In this Episode
The crew assembles three of the most creative minds in history to rescue Queen Elizabeth I from a dastardly Spanish plot. Will they save the Queen? Will they get back to the present day without changing history?
Which creative minds are picked up by the podcast? How do they put these creative minds to creative use?
Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!
Useful Stuff:
Our Sponsor:
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‘We Paint Houses’
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Read the Script
Season 3 Episode 04 – Queen Rules
RIFF 1
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TONY:
Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.
JIM:
Dum de dum de da…And now…
S/FX: A BRASS SECTION OF A BAND PLAYS A SHORT BURST
MR B:
What are you doing Mr Jim?
JIM:
I’m reading a very odd book about alternative history called 1586, Mr b. Written by Neil Cleverman.
MR B:
[PEEVISH] Not that! The brass section that just played that tune.
JIM:
O’ that. Well, inspired by George Ezra, I’ve decided to have a brass section as part of my everyday life.
MR B:
What permanently?
JIM:
Yes Mr b.
S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Ici Nigel, time for your bath.
S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING
MR B:
Well, you can’t. What would our landlady say AND you’ve let Eddie the Mime Artist out again haven’t you?
JIM:
I don’t see why I can’t…
S/FX: DUCKS QUACKING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Non, Nigel! No ducklings!
MR B:
You know Ms Lean doesn’t know we’re an outlaw podcast. She thinks we’re doing a very serious podcast; digital marketing for toddlers.
JIM:
You’re right. We can’t afford to be discovered. We must keep Jelly Trumpet a secret from all the serious people. Eventually Mr b we’ll be Internet multimillionaires [TO BRASS SECTION] Hey guys, best put the brass away and pop out and look for a gig. Eddie! Back to the back room!
S/FX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY
MR B:
Thank you, Mr Jim.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
MS LEAN:
Alright boys!
MR B:
Morning Ms Lean.
JIM:
Morning Ms Lean!
MS LEAN:
‘Ere! Who were those people walking down my drive?
JIM:
Erm, Jehovah’s Witnesses.
MS LEAN:
They all had brass instruments.
MR B:
They’re doing a musical, ‘Jesus and the tambourine’.
S/FX: AN AERESOL BEING SPRAYED
MS LEAN:
Right then. Keep it clean boys. Are those duck feathers? You haven’t got any wildlife in here, have you? It’s against the terms of the lease.
JIM:
No Ms Lean. Erm, must have come off Mr b’s, erm… er …feather duster.
MS LEAN:
Dusting, eh? Good. Right then. I’ll leave you to your podcast. Remember no loud noises after 9pm!
S/FX: DOOR CLOSING
JIM:
Praise the old gods and the new that Ms Lean didn’t bump into Nigel.
MR B:
Yes, that was lucky. Quick thinking about the feathers Mr Jim.
F/SX: LOUD SPLASHING
QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:
NO NIGEL!
S/FX: CLAWS RUNNING ACROSS A WOODEN FLOOR
MR B:
Nigel! Back in your bath.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Singe méchant! Put this towel on! Good boy. Wrap it all around yourself.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
MS LEAN:
And another thing… what’s Eleanor holding?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
That’s Nigel, he’s a…Bedouin, visiting from Jordan.
MS LEAN:
Jordan, like the model?
JIM:
Yes. Notice the similar eyebrows.
MS LEAN:
Ooo’, Yes. Uncanny.
QEEEN ELEANOR:
Excuse us. I, er… have to put Nigel to bed.
JIM:
He’s only two.
MS LEAN:
He’s very big for two.
MR B:
Well, he eats all his vegetables.
MS LEAN:
Oooo… He’s a good boy!
S/FX: DUCK QUACKING
MS LEAN:
‘Ere, was that a duck?!
JIM:
No, Ms Lean, that was a chicken we recently waterproofed and then glued a kazoo to her face. You know, a harmless experiment.
MS LEAN:
That’s alright then. Remember to clean your windows.
S/FX: SOUND OF AN AERESOL
S/FX: DOOR CLOSING
TONY:
Now?
QEEN ELEANOR:
Oui. Now Tony.
JIM:
That’s my line.
MR B:
Not a memorable one though, is it?
TONY:
I’m back! Jelly time!
JIM:
What are you doing here?
MR B:
I live here.
JIM:
O’. I thought I’d just written you into the script…
TONY:
Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TRAILER
TONY:
In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:
- Creative challenges!
- The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
- A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’
Plus:
- Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
- We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band
Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!
Get ready to RUMBLE!
[SOTTO VOCE] Duvet! Goosy, Goose, Goose, duvet!
S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE
RIFF 2
S/FX: FADE IN
JIM:
Well, well, well. What a clever book.
MR B:
That 1586 one you mentioned? Just a minute, just have to… well I am whelmed.
JIM:
Whelmed?
MR B:
Yes. It comes between, over… and under…
JIM:
Meaning?
MR B:
I’m fine.
JIM:
O’, good use of a familiar word there Mr b.
MR B:
Thank you, Mr Jim. Just stripping the podcast control desk for a jolly good clean and service.
JIM:
Good. Yes 1586 by Neil Cleverman is a colourful graphic novel, well, a book with pictures, imagining sending back three Marvel superheroes to help Queen Elizabeth I survive the Babington plot.
S/FX: REALLY BAD GUITAR RIFF
JIM [CONT.]:
Was that Spen? Not his best guitar strumming…
MR B:
No. That’s her Majesty. She’s learning guitar, so she can speak to Spen’ in his own language.
JIM:
You never explained why Spen’ aka Twang, the guitarist currently living behind the settee, can only communicate in guitar riffs.
MR B:
That Jim, is a long story, full of terror.
JIM:
Fair enough.
MR B:
Spen’s moustache got its own show on Channel 5.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Where is… never mind, found it!
JIM:
Which crown is that your majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
My going to the gym crown. I’m going to exercise. See it has a built-in sweat band. Nigel! We ride!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
She’s very fit is her majesty. Tell me more about the bollocking plot?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
The Babington plot Mr b, ‘t’, ‘t’, ‘t’… In 1586, it was a DASTARDLY PLOT to assassinate the rightful Queen Elizabeth I and replace her with Mary Queen of Scots. SUCH TREASON! Queen rules and sometimes Kings. ALL TRAITORS MUST DIE. DIE BY FIRE! Now, Nigel, if you please, we ride for the Virgin.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
JIM:
Virgin? O’, the Virgin Active gym. As opposed to the Virgin Inert gym I belong to. Her Majesty wasn’t very happy about murdering a queen. When she said Queen rules all I could think of was Bohemian Rhapsody. I mean, regicide is a bad thing. Hang on, how does her majesty, Queen Eleanor know about the Babbington Plot?
MR B:
Yes. A very bad thing. Queen Rules alright. You forget Mr Jim that her majesty downloaded the whole of Wikipedia to her iPad.
JIM:
Good for her Majesty. O’, anyway, Neil Cleverman assembles three Marvel superheroes, Captain America, Black Widow and the Hulk to sabotage the plot against Queen Elizabeth I.
MR B:
Did the present-day superheroes foil the plot?
JIM:
Yes. Now that made me think. If we took Jelly Trumpet back to 1586, we could give it a go. Wouldn’t that be fun…
MR B:
Well… no.
JIM:
Only. Only. Get this. We assemble three great creative minds to foil the plot. Show people how powerful creativity really is, you know, a force for good! Let’s think. Three geniuses of different creative disciplines. Yes! We show, through the medium of podcasting and imagination how creativity overcomes all.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I forgot my trainers.
S/FX: DOOR CLOSING
MR B:
Really Mr Jim? I mean, we might change history. What then?
JIM:
We’d have a Scottish royal family. Think about that!
MR B:
So, we’d be singing ‘God Save The Deep-Fried Mars Bar’ and swearing allegiance to the square sausage? I’ll put the control desk back together. While I do that. You should think long and hard.
S/FX: CONTROL DESK TINKERING NOISES
JIM:
First, Leonardo da Vinci for his vision, invention and jolly nice paintings, second, Soren Kierkegaard, incisive delving into what it is to be human, a counterpoint to Catholicism, finally Alfred Hitchcock.
MR B:
Why Alfred Hitchcock?
JIM:
We’ll want to make a movie of this adventure Mr b!
MR B:
I suppose I should check the podcast juice, if we are to go through with this lunacy. We need to top up the juice with some electrolytes, a cat’s purr and a single Islay malt. If we are to have enough power to go back in time to 1585
JIM:
If only people knew what Jelly Trumpet, outlaw podcast to the stars ran on. It’s genius Mr b!
MR B:
Don’t touch that!
JIM:
Why not?
MR B:
That’s the randomiser button. It needs calibration, otherwise, well… who knows.
JIM:
So, on no account touch the randomiser button?
MR B:
Correct. Never touch the randomiser button.
JIM:
Right. I won’t even breath on the randomiser button. In reverse order we set the podcast to collect, Leonardo, Kierkegaard, Hitchcock. Then we set the podcast for 1586.
CMAC:
Hawaiian Kona coffee?
JIM:
Lovely.
MR B:
Yes. Lovely. Undertones of Pineapple and a surfing beach. Right, I just have to screw the cover on and we can…
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It’s alright Nigel.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY
JIM:
Did you say beach or peach Mr b? What happened to madden Nigel your Majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He saw a badger.
JIM:
Nigel is three times the size of a badger.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It was a giant one. The size of a man.
MR B:
Beach Mr Jim. No such thing your Majesty.
JIM:
What if it was a man dressed up and promoting a badger brand? You know, like that organic skincare Badger Balm from America?
MR B:
[PLACATING JIM] O’. Yes. That must be it.
JIM:
Nigel. CALM DOWN!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
You’ll frighten him! He’s already multiple agitated!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY
JIM:
Golly he can jump really high! Where’s his emotional support duck? We need Gerald and his soft quacks. I hope Nigel doesn’t land on the…
MR B:
Randomiser button!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Merde! What now?
S/FX: SOUND OF A CAR CRASH
MR B:
Tony do SOMETHING!
TONY:
Challenge at home!
CHALLENGE AT HOME
JIM:
This episode is about circles and was first created by a chap called Bob McKim of the Stanford Design Programme.
Take a piece of paper and draw 30 circles. Give yourself 3 minutes to complete the exercise. The challenge is to fill in as many circles as possible. What we’re after is quantity, not quality.
How many did you fill in? Was there a theme, were they all emojis? Do you see any similarities in the design? Remember in season 1 of Jelly Trumpet we talked about the use of time discipline? So, you shouldn’t be thinking, rather rushing to draw a design in each, it takes away your self censorship.
Tell us about your circles, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.
Now where were we? O’ yes, just about to randomise…
RIFF 3
S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT
QUEEN ELEANOR:
You know Nigel, you shouldn’t go around leaping. You could get the podcast into trouble and we are already in the mer…
MR B:
Right! Right then! Well, well, well…
SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
Well, Mr b? What just happened.
MR B:
Nigel triggered the randomiser button AND the repeat button.
JIM:
I see.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
No, you don’t. Mr b? What does that mean?
MR B:
Well, it means that Jelly Trumpet is going to hop through time, space and, erm, other things for a, erm… a bit.
JIM:
I see.
[A BEAT]
MR B:
You don’t though, do you?
JIM:
Well…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
So, where are we now?
[TWO BEATS]
JIM:
We could have a look out the window…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[SARCASTIC] Yes. Brilliant Mot Homme. Look out the window. With our eyes perhaps?
MR B:
I calculate that we’re somewhere in the past.
JIM:
[TO HIMSELF] I’m sure this doesn’t happen to other podcasts.
MR B:
The window thing isn’t going to work as we’ve landed somewhere at night. I suggest, opening the door.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Very well, petit pieds. The door!
S/FX: PODCAST DOOR OPENING
JIM:
Can’t we just hit the home button? Perhaps we could assemble the ‘Creative Squad’, you know, Leonardo, Kierkegaard and Hitchcock? Could be handy?
MR B:
We don’t know where we are. Why not assemble some superheroes, you know Ironman, the Hulk…
JIM:
Creativity always wins Mr b. Now my plan is…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Enough! What if I do this?
S/FX: CHIRPING SQUIRREL
MR B:
WHAT?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel! Put the duck down! This…
S/FX: BUTTON CLICKING
JIM:
Alright then… we’ll… er, erm…
MR B:
I see.
JIM:
Do you?
MR B:
Yes!
JIM:
O’. What happened?
MR B:
Her Majesty has switched off the randomiser and repeat buttons.
JIM:
O’… Mr b, why does Jelly Trumpet have a randomiser button and repeat button?
MR B:
I was trying to recreate your brain.
JIM:
I see.
S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED
S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE
THE STARTUP: THE SMART DEVICE
TONY:
The Start up! A micro sitcom.
Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.
This episode is: ‘The Smart Device’
THE SCENE: JUST OUTSIDE THE JELLY TRUMPET PODCAST STUDIO
S/FX: KNOCKING ON A DOOR
JIM:
Is that the door?
MR B:
Well, it’s not a woodpecker tapping out his shopping list.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
MARY:
You must be Mr b and you must be Mr Jim.
JIM:
Yes, erm?
MARY:
Mary, I’m an entrepreneur. I hear Jelly Trumpet studios can make a podcast for anyone? I have a new smart lifestyle device, for the wrist, that I need to promote to the world.
MR B:
Yes. We can do that. What is this smart lifestyle device worn on the wrist?
MARY:
I call it the Fatbit.
JIM
Fatbit? As in, erm, like a Fitbit?
MARY:
No Jim. As in Fatbit.
MR B:
So, does it work like a Fitbit?
MARY:
No. It makes people happy.
JIM:
How does it do that?
MARY:
It’s programmed to track your movements throughout the day.
JIM:
And…
MARY:
When you hit one thousand steps Fatbit will notify you that you’d ‘better have a sit down’ and ‘have a piece of cake.’ If you hit two thousand steps and it is after 6pm Fatbit beeps and insists ‘You have a nice glass of wine.’ And when you reach your daily steps goal Fatbit insists you have a candle lit bath and a pie of your choice.
JIM:
Brilliant. We’ll make the podcast.
MR B:
I’ve already got some ideas for an original theme tune.
MARY:
Excellent! Would you like a Fatbit?
JIM & MR B:
Two please!
END
RIFF: 4
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT
MR B:
Just for you Mr Jim.
S/FX: BUTTON CLICKING
S/FX: MUSIC INDICATING THE RAPID PASSING OF TIME INTERSPERSED WITH THREE SMALL BANGS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Who are these gentlemen?
MR B:
It’s my birthday gift for Mr Jim. Meet Leonardo da Vinci, Soren Kierkegaard and Alfred Hitchcock.
JIM:
Fantastic! Mr b, you are a technical GENIUS! So, now we’re going back in time to 1586?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I didn’t know it was Mr Jim’s birthday today.
JIM:
It isn’t but one day it will be.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
A premature birthday present. I like it.
JIM:
Delighted to meet you gentlemen. Our mission… wait. Why are there lips moving and there’s no sound coming out of their mouths?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes. Why is that Mr b?
MR B:
I’ve invented… the ‘mute badge.’ See the shiny red steel badge each is wearing? Anyone wearing such a badge is rendered mute. The badge means they can only speak with the aid of the remote control which I’ve integrated into our ultimate gizmo, cMac!
JIM:
Brilliant invention Mr b! I love it… we could sell ‘mute badges’ around the world. Erm. One thing Mr b? Why?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes, petite pieds. Why?
MR B
Because I can. Now a challenge for you Mr Jim.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
A challenge?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
You’re spoiling him Mr b.
MR B:
A challenge Jim [WHISPERING] and it saves the podcast’s voice-artist budget. [NORMAL VOICE] It means you have your crack team of creative heroes but they can only communicate through mime.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
C’est tout un défi.
JIM:
So, what you’re telling me Mr b, is that I have creative geniuses that are now a team of creative mutes. In effect, the three wise mimers?
MR B:
That’s right!
[TWO BEATS]
JIM:
But we can use the integrated remote on cMac to allow them to speak?
MR B:
Only if you get stuck. Interesting challenge, eh? You love a challenge, Jim.
JIM:
I’m not sure I do anymore. [TO HIMSELF] I must write something I really enjoy. Cooking at Christmas say…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Well, I have to get back to the gym. Find a way around the giant badger, get some exercise or…
MR B:
Setting Jelly Trumpet course to 1586! FOR ALL MANKIND!
TONY:
This is going well. [YAWNS] eh?. Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.
[YAWNING] I enjoy cricket.
S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE
INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN
JIM INTRODUCES GUEST
END
RIFF: 5
S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: BURST OF ELIZABETHAN MUSIC
MR B:
Here we are Mr Jim. 1585.
JIM:
We’re supposed to be in 1586.
MR B:
We can wait.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nudge up Mr b.
MR B:
Nudging!
SF/X: NUDGING SOUND
S/FX: A BOING OR EQUIVALENT SOUND
MR B:
Here we are then Mr Jim, 1586.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Bon Mr b.
MR B:
Let’s see if we can find that Bullington plot thing…
JIM:
Babington, Babington, Babington…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Stop Babington-ing!
JIM:
Sorry your Majesty. Exactly where have you landed us in 1586 Mr b?
MR B:
Checking coordinates, looking at the London A to Z, using Google search and looking out the window. I see. We’re in Hampton Court.
JIM:
O’.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Looks like we’re in the garden. Nigel! Sniff the garden!
S/FX: DOOR LOCK OPENING AND NIGEL CHIRPING
MR B:
Right! Let’s do this thing!
JIM:
Yes… yes…let’s… Shouldn’t we bring cMac?
MR B:
No. It’ll be fine Mr Jim.
S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC
COMING UP
TONY:
Coming up!
• Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge
• List of the week
- Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
- And a surprise post music scene!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME
CHALLENGE JIM
TONY:
Challenge Jim!
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC
MR B:
Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to write a stage play in one minute, about 16th century pirates!
JIM:
OK. Here we go…
[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]
MR B:
Moving on.
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
RIFF: 6
S/FX: ELIZABETHAN MUSIC
MR B:
Have you assembled Mr Jim?
JIM:
[MYSTIFIED] Erm, yes. I am complete.
MR B:
I mean. Have you assembled your three wise mimers?
JIM:
Well, yes. Look.
MR B:
They’ll need a cover story.
QEEEN ELEANOR:
How about we say they are three wise mime artists. Mummers if you will?
MR B:
That’s clever.
JIM:
Very clever.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Let us get on with this challenge for Mr Jim. Precisely what are we doing? [A BEAT] You have written this bit haven’t you Mr Jim?
JIM:
Sort of. Well, in my head.
MR B:
[EXASPERATED] Not again.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Correct Nigel. We need a plan Mr Jim! Look Nigel! A giant oak tree.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
S/FX: NIGEL SCAMPERING AWAY
JIM:
Right. Well, let’s find anyone looking Spanish, they’ll be looking to invade you see, make England a Catholic country again, and then, er, we find Antony Babington and we, errrrr, tear up his letters!
MR B:
Right!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
If we do that then the Queen of Scots will escape execution and be a polite and loyal queen to Elizabeth I, Queen rules.
JIM:
Ah! Yes, Queen rules.
MR B:
Queen rules!
RIFF: 7
JIM:
Let’s put this conundrum to the three wise mimers. Look chaps…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Why don’t you have a creative woman in your alternative assembly?
JIM:
You’re right your Majesty. For the next team of creatives we’ll pick Frida Kahlo, Sandi Toksvig and perhaps Mary Wollstonecraft. It’ll be a different vibe. Please accept my apologies, tend to think like a chap, a lot. Right, chaps, the problem is…
S/FX: SHORT INTERLUDE MUSIC – 5 BEATS
MR B:
What is Leonardo doing?
JIM:
He appears to be miming painting.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And Kierkegaard?
JIM:
He’s thinking. You can tell by him stroking his chin. And, Hitchcock is framing the shot.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I gave up a trip to the gym for this! It was my favourite class, the combined spinning and HIIT session.
JIM:
O’, what is this class called?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Spit.
JIM:
I see. Gyms, eh? Right the three wise mummers have only just started.
MR B:
Look some people are coming this way!
JIM:
OK. Leave this to me…
S/FX: INTERLUDE MUSIC FADES INTO:
S/FX: CLANKING OF CHAINS. PERHAPS MOANING OF PRISONERS AND THE ODD SCREAM. THEN DRIPPING WATER
QUEEN ELEANOR
Again Mr Jim? Again, we leave it to you and we end up in a dungeon. Can’t you write us on a sunny island by the sea?
MR B:
You’re forgetting the Treasure Island incident your Majesty.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Perhaps not then. Volcanoes exploding and sand EVERYWHERE! We almost died! Why don’t you ask your three wise mummers how we get out of the dungeon?
JIM:
I’m thinking…
MR B:
Not that again! [A BEAT] Perhaps you should stop doing thinking Mr Jim. [A BEAT] Thinking what?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He hasn’t been thinking sensible things, has he? HIs thoughts are like a cat chasing leaves, like a rabbit in a vegetable patch, like an MP on Have I Got News for You…
JIM:
Yes. Somehow, I’ve assembled the wrong creatives.
MR B:
Well, at least you didn’t assemble Bono, Peter Kay and Joe Pasquale.
JIM:
Got it! We, that’s us, your majesty, Mr b. We, we can be creative and get ourselves out of this dungeon!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Of course.
JIM:
Hurrah! Right…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Right…
MR B:
Right…
TWO BEATS
JIM:
Look! Up there! There’s a small window. We could squeeze through that!
MR B:
That must be twenty feet up. You’d have to breath in, a lot, Mr Jim and I mean lose a stone, if you are to squeeze through that…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I have an idea…
S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC
LIST OF THE WEEK
TONY:
List of the week!
JIM:
This episode. So, this episode, things I do on a long car journey.
Number one: Make Brum Brum noises when changing gear
Number two: Play I spy in French, by myself
Number three: Sing along to anything by Abba
Number four: Count my faults
Number five: Count my blessings
Number six: Count Mini Coopers, three in a row? Italian Job!
Number seven: Frown at BMW drivers
Number eight: Swear at BMW drivers
Number nine: Pretend
Number ten: Think about Cate Blanchett in a hayloft
Number eleven: Shout cows!
Number twelve: Slow down to eat a pork pie
RIFF: 8
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: CLANKING OF CHAINS. DRIPPING WATER
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Well, this is most surprising.
JIM:
Brilliant isn’t it?
MR B:
Yes brilliant! So, what you’ve done there Mr Jim is created a human ladder. Three of the greatest creative minds standing on each other’s shoulders and now reaching all the way up to the small window!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I will go first.
JIM:
After you Mr b!
S/FX: DIFFERENT MALE GROANS AND GRUNTS
MR B:
Thank you, Mr Jim.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Mr Hitchcock is very strong and who’d have thought a Danish philosopher could balance so well?
MR B:
[SOUNDS OF EXERTION] Careful when you get to Kierkegaard Mr Jim. He juts out a bit.
JIM:
That will be him stroking his chin. Right o’ Mr b. Ascending now!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Shhhhh! [WHISPERING] Hurry! The guards will hear you!
JIM:
[WHISPERING] O’ no.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[WHISPERING] What is it Mr Jim? What are you stuck on?
JIM:
[WHISPERING] Hitchcock.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[WHISPERING] We’ll get some leeches for that.
JIM:
Eh?
MR B:
Shhhh!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[WHISPERING] After me. We run to the trees; we collect Nigel. We make a dash for Jelly Trumpet…
S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME STARTS AND CUTS OFF ABRUPTLY
JIM ENTERS THE SOUND BOOTH
JIM:
I’m just going to do the Creative Medicine Tip Mr b.
MR B:
Why are you taking that large stuffed Teddy Bear?
JIM:
Well.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He gets lonely. A sound booth, a microphone and just Jim. Who wouldn’t want a large stuffed Teddy Bear?
MR B:
Very well. But no clever ideas!
S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME
CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP
JIM:
My creative medicine tip this episode is called ‘being an idea machine.’ This works for any discipline. This was conceived by a chap called James Altucher and is a variation of a a tip we’ve mentioned before, a tip that has great power, that is setting a quota, taken from Gene Perret.
Come up with 10 new ideas every day. Try for one week. The sets of 10 can be on a theme, 10 different designs for a space ship, work related 10 marketing campaign ideas no one has ever thought of or 10 ideas for making my writing stronger.
Write them up every day. So, you have 70 ideas. How did they start? Are they similar? Are you thinking in one particular way? Think about your thinking for a set amount of time each day and then leave it.
Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.
RIFF: 9
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
MR B:
Well, that didn’t go as planned Mr Jim.
JIM:
No Mr b. I think we… I… fell down there with that idea. I mean, who goes around trying to change history?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Who indeed. [TWO BEATS] Nigel! Le tapis de bain! Rapide!
JIM:
But Nigel has just had a bath.
QUEEN ELANOR:
It’s for his nuts.
JIM:
Erm, well…
QUEEN ELANOR:
He dropped his spare nut sack in a puddle sale.
JIM:
O’.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Try and write something sensible Mr Jim. And something that gives me time for the gym. So, as you say ‘I will have a head for the crown and a bod for sin’.
S/FX: GUITAR RIFF
MR B:
Hi Spen. Twang time.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Not yet Spen! I have to wash Nigel’s nuts.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES IN
IDENT & OUTRO
S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE
TONY:
That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’
Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.
JIM:
Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.
MUSIC
‘We Paint Houses’ tune.
RIFF 10
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
JIM:
I suppose we can put our feet up. Challenge done.
MR B:
Challoenge done Mr Jim? I think not. I think the evidence presented had no conclusion.
JIM:
How so Mr b?
MR B:
You were going to prove the success of creative people over superheroes. You took three of the greatest creative minds the world has ever known, da Vinci, Kierkegaard and Hitchcock and turned them into a human ladder.
JIM:
I thought that was highly creative.
MR B:
How so Mr Jim?
JIM:
I put them to other uses.
MR B:
Well…
JIM:
That’s creative is it not?
MR B:
[GRUDGINGLY] Well, technically… I suppose…
JIM:
Now what other uses can we put you to?
MR B:
Eh?
[TWO BEATS]
S/FX: DUCKS QUACKING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
NIGEL! I SAID NO DUCKLINGS!
THANK YOU’S
JIM:
Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!
S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE