Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a time-travelling comedy podcast. Silly comedy for your listening or reading pleasure.
The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:
- Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
- Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
- Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode
Minor characters:
- Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
- Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
- cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
- Tony, the voice over guy
Previously on Jelly Trumpet
The Jelly crew thwarted an Internet troll factory in the Balkans using only blancmange and was declared OUTLAW by the P.A., that’s the Podcast Authority.
In this Episode
In episode one titled ‘Millennial Headache’, Jim has caught a very nasty virus and has stopped writing Jelly Trumpet scripts. Mr b and the Queen desperately struggle to save Jim from the virus so he may write them and the podcast back into existence.
Will Jim ever write again?!
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Read the Script
Season 3 Episode 01 – Millennial Headache
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
RIFF 1
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: MUFFLED SNATCHES OF LINES FROM THE END OF SEASON 2 EPISODE FOURTEEN [4 SECONDS ONLY]
JIM:
We become an outlaw podcast, forever roaming time, space and media… but we’ll all be FREE!
S/FX: SQUIRREL CHRIPING
S/FX: DASH OF BONGOS
ELEANOR:
My brave bongo-playing squirrel! Have another brioche and don’t get any crumbs on your new scarf.
JIM:
You spoil Nigel your Majesty. We’re outlaws NOW!. Mr b. Set course for season 3.
MR B:
Aye, aye Mr Jim! Setting course for season 3.
S/FX: SHORT BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: TUMBLEWEED
S/FX: SOUND OF A BUSY RESTURANT PLAYS UNDER THE NEXT SCENE
JIM:
This is my favourite podcast in all the world. It was the podcast my mother played to me when I was sick, and I played it to your mother, and I’m going to play it to you.
FIN:
No Dad.
JIM:
Why not?
FIN:
Because I’m nineteen and we’re in Pizza Express.
JIM:
O’, …Margarita?
FIN:
Margarita.
S/FX: TUMBLEWEED
FIN:
What happened at the end of the last season of Jelly Trumpet Dad? Why is it you can’t write any more episodes?
JIM:
They scattered to the five winds, darling. [RETHINKING] To the four winds. My mind, my writing mind doesn’t work anymore. I may never write another Jelly Trumpet ever again. It’s as though I’ve caught some… something.
FIN:
Did you get Queen Eleanor back to 12th century France? Why can’t you write more Jelly Trumpet Dad?
JIM:
Ah. Once upon a time…
FIN:
Dad! That’s such a conventional storytelling device.
JIM:
Once upon a time… I had a dream. A comedy podcast about creativity…
FIN:
I don’t have time Dad, I’m ice-skating at three, get on with the recap.
JIM:
We almost got Queen Eleanor back to medieval France.
FIN:
How close to medieval France did you get?
JIM:
A Wetherspoons in Watford. [TWO BEATS] I mean she’s roughing it a bit but she pours a magnificent Guinness. Nigel, our giant musical squirrel, alas, had a change of direction and is now a YouTube star playing bongos to Dubstep tunes. While Mr b. Well, Mr b… Mr b has gone back to teaching elementary astrophysics to anyone who will listen.
FIN:
Dad! You can write an opening scene, just get started, eh? I know you can [SHE SIGHS] O’ Dad, don’t boil the ocean!
JIM:
I don’t believe I can write any more Jelly Trumpet episodes darling. My head is a jumble, a confusion. I’ve run out of ideas. That’s extra or is it basic? Yikes. Where’s my phone?
FIN:
Dad don’t go all Gen Z on me!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME CUTS IN
TONY:
I’m back! Here to narrate Jelly Trumpet! Here to make you feel all fuzzy!
JIM:
Wait a minute! How did you get here?
TONY:
Perhaps it’s something you wrote?
JIM:
Wait! Let me see…O’ yes. I used to write a podcast.
TONY:
Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! Their Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. Their 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TRAILER
TONY:
In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:
- Creative challenges!
- The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
- A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’
Plus:
- Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
- We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band
Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!
Get ready to RUMBLE!
[SOTTO VOCE] May the old and new gods bless you.
S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE
RIFF 2
S/FX: FADE IN
MR B:
[WHISPERING] I’m worried your Majesty.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[WHISPERING] What worries you Mr b?
MR B:
[WHISPERING] Jim’s not been the same since Jelly Trumpet was declared outlaw. He’s not written anymore scripts and he’s spending all day scrolling through his phone. He just looks at his social feeds. We have to face it. He’s lost his writing mojo and I’m worried that Mr Jim has… has… has…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[WHISPERING] Has what Mr b?
MR B:
Has caught Gen Z!
S/FX: DA, DA, DA [ORGAN MUSIC PERHAPS]
QUEEN ELEANOR:
That is terrible! The poor man. The suffering, the pain, the struggle. Might he die? [A BEAT] What is Gen Z?
MR B:
He’s regressed. He thinks he’s a young adult. A young adult that doesn’t know the world before the Internet was created. And no, your Majesty, Gen Z is not known to be fatal. Not yet.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Are you sure mes petits pieds? What are the symptoms? Stop that, Nigel!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
Various symptoms. Addiction to technology, addiction to the Internet, addiction to social media; Gen Z start taking social justice very seriously. Some of them are unable to focus for any length of time. Basically, the worst bits of being a teenager.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What can we do Mr b? With no Jim, there will be no more writing, no more episodes of Jelly Trumpet. We will be characters forever without a plot! We’ll be in limbo, just like Channel 5. Look at him!
MR B:
It’s worse than I thought. We must bring him back to the adult world. You know comfortable shoes, bacon sandwiches, strong coffee, the odd glass of Rioja, Dad jokes and endless British period drama boxsets.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Are you sure that would work? What if we hit him repeatably around the head with big sticks?
MR B:
Wouldn’t work. He’s always enjoyed that sort of thing. Wait! I have an idea your Majesty and just the button for the job.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Mr b, are you sure about this button? The pressing of your button inventions usually results in terror and frantic escapes from unbelievable situations. You could also destroy Jim’s brain!
MR B:
Yes. I am sure. [A BEAT] A bit. Jim has nothing to lose! Pressing the brain button NOW!
S/FX: 2 -3 SECONDS OF INTERLUDE MUSIC
MR B:
[COUGHS TO GAIN JIM’S ATTENTION] This is my latest idea Mr Jim. It will help you to write more Jelly Trumpets.
JIM:
[TO HIMSELF] Big fish. Goes Deep. Death. [TWO BEATS]. Look at this Instagram profile! Jade Blade is nineteen, signed up to an agent and has had two plays on in the west end. I’m not good enough! I’ll never be a writer! Big yikes! Big yikes! Big Yikes That’s SO EXTRA!
MR B:
You are a very good writer Mr Jim. Yes, you are. I think you’ve caught a virus. So, I thought we could all do with a holiday. A refresh to get you back to writing Jelly Trumpet. Erm. What was that about a big fish?
JIM:
That was a classic film summed up in five words. Just look at this! Climate change, the cost of living, venal divisive politicians, misogyny everywhere… where will it all end!?
MR B:
As I was saying, a holiday. You know, a short break will be inspiring. Get you writing again, eh? So, with the aid of some extra hot steam, a pinch of imagination, this perfectly faceted ruby gem and a trusty brain button I’ve invented… What’s the book you’re reading?
JIM:
[SAD] Lord of the Rings, all three volumes. [TWO BEATS] Fantasy is the new reality… If you think so Mr b. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to write again.… WAIT!
MR B:
We’re just one button push away from a holiday in the Pacific Ocean. Erm, I think the green button, erm, erm yes! No. The blue button that’s it…
S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED
S/FX: A WHOOSH SOUND THEN TWO BEATS OF SILENCE AND THEN THE SOUND OF A DRIPPING TAP
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What have you done Mr b!? Where has your button pushing got us now?
MR B:
Everything is fine your majesty. I’ve pressed the holiday button. Erm… or was it the brain button? Anyway, here we are, on holiday. Jim will be writing again in no time.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is this, er holiday thing? What means it?
MR B:
It’s where you go away somewhere, do nothing and are revered, plus waited on hand and foot.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
O’ that. [TWO BEATS] I am a Queen, so I have always had that, n’est-ce pas? Where are we?
MR B:
We’re at a beach resort on one of the lesser islands of Borneo.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Then why are we in this very dark cave? It is not hospitable at all. What we should be doing is finding an antidote for this G.Z.
MR B:
[HE HAS NO IDEA] Erm… yes. It’s rather dark. Perhaps we’ve landed at night. I suggest we move towards that light.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Very well Mr b. On your head be it. Let us find a jolly native and a beach. Then, we must find a cure for Jim [SNIFFING] What is this, this aroma?
MR B:
A mix [HE SNIFFS] Part bacon, part coffee [HE SNIFFS AGAIN] and a hint of [LONGER SNIFF], o’ dear… o’ no…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Tell me!
MR B:
It smells like… [TWO BEATS] Teen Spirit. But it can’t be.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Teen spirit. What is ‘teen spirit?’
MR B:
Bit like being a queen your Majesty, only with electric guitars.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I can see shapes moving in the shadows.
MR B:
I’ll get cMac to switch on its floodlights. cMac! cMac Lights on!
S/FX: SLIGHT WHIRRING SOUND THEN THE THUMP OF POWERFUL FLOODLIGHT SWITCH
MR B:
O’.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
O’ what is this mess, this jumble, this heap, this dump, this tangle, this mix, this pile, this…
MR B:
You and your thesaurus app, eh?… I think. No. It can’t be… O’ gawd help us!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And what is this mist, this mist of many colours? And those shadows. Is that the ethereal presence of a lady, is that Cate Blanchett in spirit form?
MR B:
That confirms it then! This is terrifying. We are in great danger!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What danger, my little experimenter?
MR B:
WE’RE GOING BACK!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What? Why?
MR B:
cMac! cMac make steam, extra hot steam! Prepare to EXIT!
JIM [V.O.]:
What the hell are you two doing IN HERE?
MR B:
Just leaving Mr Jim. Sorry. A step too far. It was just a, er… an experiment. Should have been the blue button, blue for holidays, green for… er… brain cures.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I can hear Jim. But I cannot see him. What have you done this time Mr b!?
MR B:
I may have crossed a line. Wrong button you see…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
So, where did the green button take us? Is this Borneo or not?
MR B:
We’re… we’re… we’re… we’re… we’re… we’re…
S/FX: SOUND OF A FACE BEING SLAPPED
QUEEN ELEANOR:
That’s better isn’t it Mr b?
MR B:
[HURT] We’ll, yes. [TWO BEATS] quite liberating…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
So, Mr b, man of buttons, man of science. Where are we?
MR B:
We’re supposed to be in Borneo! Erm… But the green button has transported us, to… well. We’re inside [TWO BEATS] Jim’s head.
TWO BEATS
S/FX: SOUND OF FISTS ON FLESH. GENERAL FIGHTING NOISE
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Putain d’idiot!
MR B:
Now then your majesty. It could be worse.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Une autre expérience stupide! How could it be worse? Flames perhaps? Running out of coffee? Meteorites raining down while I am washing my hair? A…
MR B:
Well, we could be in Borehamwood on a Friday night.
JIM [V.O.]:
Why are both of you in my head? Don’t touch anything! Don’t go into that bit! What are you doing in my head?! I have to get back to the ‘gram!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Corriger. We must think! Play the ‘Challenge at Home’ tape.
MR B:
cMac! cMac play the ‘Challenge at Home’ tape.
TONY:
Challenge at home!
CHALLENGE AT HOME
JIM:
Challenge your imagination with this. Get yourself some plasticine. Now warm it in your hands till good and soft.
Now I want you to model a selection of animals, 4 to 6. Make them quite small.
Next find yourself some green paper, you may have a double page spread in the inside cover of a book.
Take a picture and post, with a title on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com (make sure the image isn’t impossibly large)!
Now where were we? O’ yes, back to inside my head…
EXITS SOUND BOOTH
Well, I think that was an exceptional take Mr b.
MR B:
Yes. The previous thirty-two were merely mediocre.
JIM:
I think I have an allergy [SNEEZES].
MR B:
[SOTTO VOCE] An allergy to talking into a microphone as opposed to sniffing a hot rabbit.?
RIFF 3
S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT
S/FX: THE DRIPPING TAP WHICH FADES AWAY
QUEEN ELEANOR:
No Nigel! I said NO!
MR B:
I’ve never seen so many rabbits. What have we done?
S/FX: SNEEZING RABBIT
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What have you done? They are massif! Giant rabbits everywhere. What are all these rabbits doing in Jim’s head?
JIM [V.O.]:
They’re metaphors.
MR. B:
They’re what?
JIM [V.O.]:
They are metaphors for my thoughts.
MR B:
I think that we’ve seen enough your Majesty. We must retreat. All this disturbance in Jim’s head could send him… him… BARKING MAD!
S/FX: DA DA DA MUSIC
S/FX: LARGE DOG BARKING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Est-ce la folie?
MR B:
Well, we’re inside Jim’s head. We may have unbalanced his mind. Mind you this could explain everything. [TO HIMSELF] Must check the blue button calibration or was that the green button?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What does it explain mon cher?
MR B:
Why Jelly Trumpet is continuously lurching into random places at odd times. If the inside of Jim’s head is full of odd thoughts, thoughts that are like large rabbits. What’s this? Is this a collection of Moluccan beer bottle tops?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Lurching?
MR B:
Why Jelly Trumpet lurches from one place to another place that is… erm, other worldly. It’s the state of Jim’s head causing these lurches.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I may never get home Mr b! What is that rabbit doing sitting there? The one wearing a hard hat and with a lever in each hand?
MR B:
That? That could well be the rabbit working Jim’s controls.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Alors mon cher… we’re here now. Let’s see if we can get him to a keyboard, write un petit episode of the podcast perhaps?
JIM [V.O.]:
If you find out where I hid my passport let me know…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Alors mon cher, is Jim’s state of mind anything to do with your experiments?
MR B:
Erm…
JIM [V.O.]:
I’ve not seen my passport since 2018.
MR B:
Erm, well… I see. Perhaps.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Come Mr b. Viens Nigel! Let us follow that rabbit with the red hat. It may be a clue. cMac to play the micro sitcom.
MR B:
Very well your majesty. cMac! cMac play the micro sitcom. Let me…
S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED
S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE
THE STARTUP: BARKING BAD
TONY:
The Start up! A micro sitcom.
Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.
This episode is: ‘Barking Bad!’
THE SCENE: THE OFFICE OF AN APP DEVELOPER. MARY HAS JUST GOT OFF HER PHONE
MARY:
Sorry, that was my accountant. He’s concerned.
TERRY:
Concerned about…?
MARY;
Just concerned. [THREE BEATS] Now, you are the lead app developer. Is that correct?
TERRY:
It is.
MARY:
Very well. I will use simple words then. It’s very important that my app can be operated by a variety of paw sizes.
TERRY:
Paw sizes?
MARY:
Have you read the brief for my app?
TERRY:
I… erm, scanned it.
MARY:
Obviously not the introduction. It will also have to be ‘bark activated.’
TERRY:
Erm… bark act…?
MARY:
Bark. Bark as in woof woof. Like a doggie. [SHE SIGHS] It’s part social networking for dogs, part dog owner training app.
TERRY:
I see.
MARY:
And of course, part dating app.
TERRY:
Any other functions?
MARY:
I think that’s enough, don’t you?
TERRY:
Well, erm, what’s it going to be called?
MARY:
iDogger.
TERRY STARTS COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY
TERRY:
iDogger?
MARY:
iDogger.
TERRY:
I see.
MARY:
It’s my latest start up business. ‘iDogger for the hound in your house.’ Still working on the tag line. Right, feature one: snout or paw operation, from a chihuahua to an English Mastiff, so my app must be sensitive to the lightest or heaviest of paws.
TERRY:
I see. Paws.
MARY:
Yes. Write that down. The dog then gets three app options. Option one: the social networking feature, Barkface, option two: Good Boy and option three: iDogger the dating app for doggies.
TERRY:
Erm, what’s the ‘Good Boy’ feature?
MARY:
The dog has to affirm that he will be a good boy by placing his paw on the image of the doggy treat, otherwise he may get the TASER.
TERRY:
TASER?
MARY:
Yes. Dogs need discipline. Much like app developers. With iDogger, they can swipe left or bark ‘No’ [SHE WOOFS] so the app must have bark recognition.
TERRY;
When were you expecting delivery of your iDogger app?
MARY:
Tuesday.
TERRY:
Very well.
MARY:
Thank you, Terry. See you on Tuesday.
S/FX: A DOOR CLOSING
TERRY:
Tuesday? I must be barking… Woof, woof mad or she is!
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
TERRY:
Bloody hell! Sorry!
MARY:
Language!
S/FX: SOUND OF A TASER
TERRY HOWLS LIKE A WOUNDED WOLF
MARY:
Good boy.
END
RIFF: 4
MR B:
Hang on your Majesty. There’s something I’ve always wanted to ask Jim.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Very well, ma petite expérimentale.
MR B:
Jim?
JIM:
Yes, Mr b?
MR B:
Your last name is Kinloch, isn’t it?
JIM:
Yes, it is.
MR B:
Which is Scottish?
JIM:
Yes. It is.
MR B:
Why don’t you have a Scottish accent?
JIM:
My mother was rather forgetful.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Satisfied Mr b?
MR B:
Not really.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Not yet Nigel!
MR B:
What has Nigel got behind his back?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He’s…
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
What…?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes! I AM ASKING HIM! [A BEAT] Nigel would like to play you his new instrument.
MR B:
OK.
S/FX: BURST OF TENOR SAX
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Charmant n’est-ce pas?
MR B:
No.
JIM [V.O.]:
MY HEAD!
TONY:
Come on I haven’t got all day [YAWNS]. Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.
[SOTTO VOCE] I went to RADA you know!
S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE
INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN
JIM INTRODUCES GUEST
END
RIFF: 5
MR B:
Look at the size of those holes! Jim’s head is full of head holes.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
They are huge! Why? Why is Jim’s head full of large holes?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
What did Nigel say?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel says, no wonder Mr Jim’s brain leaks thoughts everywhere with all these head holes. Are these G.Z. holes?
MR B:
That could explain Jim’s writing of plots. This way, towards that strange white light.
JIM V.O.]:
I’ve lost my, lost my, erm… can’t think… I can’t find my… my… my…
S/FX: STEAM WHISTLE AND RUSH OF A TRAIN
QUEEN ELEANOR:
MERDE!
MR B:
What the [BEEP] is Jim doing with a steam train in his head?
JIM V.O.]:
Steam train? Erm, that’s er, I forget. I’m going mad!
MR B:
I need a break.
S/FX: SOUND OF THE BUTTON
S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC
COMING UP
TONY:
Coming up!
• Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge
• List of the week
- Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
- And a surprise post music scene!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME
CHALLENGE JIM
TONY:
Challenge Jim!
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC
MR B:
Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to perform a two-handed play about cheese using only two glove puppets AND your mime skills. Your minute starts now.
JIM:
What! [BEEP]ing hell chap! OK. Coming onto the stage is…
[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]
MR B:
Moving on.
JIM EXITS SOUND BOOTH
JIM:
I was making it up you know.
MR B:
You don’t say. I wonder what you’ll make up next?
RIFF: 6
S/FX: THE DRIPPING TAP THAT FADES OUT
JIM [V.O.]:
I wonder Mr b; do you remember when we had Greg Davis as a guest on the show?
MR B:
No Jim.
JIM V.O.]:
Well, I do. Why don’t you remember?
MR B:
Because it never happened. You’ve made that up, haven’t you?
QEEEN ELEANOR:
It’s his job Mr b. He makes stuff up. [TO MR B SOTTO VOCE] We have to encourage him Mr b, him and his writing. We must get Jim back to the adult world of Jelly Trumpet as soon as possible. His comfortable space, a space to write from. If we don’t, you and moi will not exist! [NORMAL VOICE] He’s ALWAYS making stuff up… it’s what writer’s do!
MR B:
Well, if Jim can make stuff up then I can do my experiments!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Writer’s never get us into trouble.
JIM [V.O.]:
That’s right.
MR B:
[ANGRY] O’ Yeah! Fair is fair Mr Jim.
JIM:
OK. I write stuff. You perform experiments and her Majesty points out where we both go wrong.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Agreed ‘word man’ my ‘Mot Homme’. If you and Mr b listen to me, all will be well.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM [V.O.]:
Now, I’ve written a very funny bit where we… erm.
MR B:
I’ve got an experiment that means an end to Lithium-ion batteries.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM [V.O.]:
What is Nigel pointing at?
MR B:
Your Majesty?
JIM [V.O.]:
Your Majesty? Did you want to say something?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Come Nigel. We will leave them to it and pick up the mess later. Ou est Spen?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR (cont.):
[TO NIGEL] So, Spen hides in a hedge? Get the hedge trimmer! [SHE CLAPS HER HANDS] Rapide!
RIFF: 7
JIM:
It went like this Mr b. Greg Davis came on the show and…
S/FX: HARP MUSIC FOR GOING BACK IN TIME
S/FX: A SHORT BURST OF TENOR SAX
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Arrête ça Nigel. Flashbacks have harps, not tenor sax!
S/FX: DOOR BELL RINGING
JIM:
What was that strange sound?
MR B:
[VERY TETCHY] The doorbell Jim. [RESIGNED] I’ll get it.
S/FX: CREAKY DOOR OPENING
MR B:
Look Jim. It’s Greg Davis.
JIM:
Can’t be. He’s not in a television.
MR B:
Good afternoon, Mr Greg Davis.
GREG:
Good afternoon… person.
JIM:
One thing Mr b.
MR B:
Yes Jim?
JIM:
He’s massive.
GREG:
I am here you know.
JIM:
How are we going to get him into the studio?
MR B:
Well…
QUEEN ELEANOR
He’ll have to crawl on all fours.
GREG:
What?
MR B:
Her Majesty is right you know.
JIM:
She is. Thank you, your Majesty. Greg if you wouldn’t mind.
GREG:
What?
JIM:
Well, if you really, really want to do the Jelly Trumpet podcast ‘Interview Countdown’ you’re have to get on all fours, like a big doggie…
MR B:
It’s for your own good Greg.
GREG:
Very well.
JIM:
What we’ve done there is turn a British comedian…
MR B:
A great British comedian…
JIM:
A great British comedian into a dining room table for 12.
S/FX: HUM OF AGREEMENT
MR B:
Well, I’ll put the coffee on. Coffee Greg?
GREG:
Yes. In a bowl please. Two straws. Is that a squirrel? It’s [BEEPING] massive!
JIM:
Yes. That’s Nigel, he comes from a family of giant squirrels in the Balkans. And this is Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine from 12th century France.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Monsieur.
GREG:
What exactly is this madhouse?
TONY:
Not a madhouse Greg. This is Jelly Trumpet.
MR B:
Well Jim, isn’t Greg the most wonderful of celebrity guests?
JIM:
Yes. And so cute on all fours.
MR B:
And now you have somewhere to park your bike.
JIM:
I see. I wondered why Greg is naked?
S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC
LIST OF THE WEEK
TONY:
List of the week!
JIM:
This episode. Things I am grateful about being creative.
Number one: I can do whatever I want.
Number two: I like making people laugh, white magic.
Number three: Collaborating with talent like Mr b, Claire and Tony ‘the voice over guy’
Number four: Forgetting what I’ve written, so laughing at my own writing.
Number five: Making the world a tiny bit better.
Number six: Making characters come alive.
Number seven: Words, words people, words are where it’s at.
Number eight: Appreciating other creatives work.
Number nine: The absurdity of the whole goddamn world.
Number ten: Finding juxtapositions like ‘Head Holes’
Number eleven: My daughter’s pride in my work
RIFF: 8
S/FX: DRIPPING TAP
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Let us follow that rabbit Mr b, he looks busy and he’s obviously late, the way he’s looking at his pocket watch.
MR B:
Is that a good ide…
QUEEN ELENAOR:
Allez! Nigel!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
S/FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS ECHOING IN AN EMPTY HALLWAY
MR B:
What are all these doors?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
The doors to his thoughts and memories perhaps? I wonder why some doors are red and some are blue?
MR B:
I’m going to try this blue one.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
S/FX: SOUND OF THE OCEAN
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is that?
MR B:
The ocean your Majesty. I believe this is the door to Jim’s greatest fear. Left on his own in the deep ocean.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Let us try a red door.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
S/FX: SOUND OF ELECTRIC GUITAR
MR B:
That’s Jim’s music room. See, Bruce Springsteen and Guy Garvey jamming. And this one…
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
S/FX: BIRD SONG
QUEEN ELEANOR:
So pretty, soft golden sunshine, traditional English hedge rows, butterflies and baby lambs.
S/FX: SOFT BLEATING OF LAMBS
MR B:
I think this is Jim’s room of hope.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Another red one?
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
S/FX: RUSTLING OF SILK OR ANY OTHER CLOTHES
MR B:
Aromatic perfume, the rustle of silk and total darkness. What the…?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I think it best. we leave this one, it looks rather, intimate. And this red door?
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
VOICE:
Britain is broken, what have we done? Britain is broken, what have we done?
Britain is broken, what have we done? Britain is broken. Britain is broken.
MR B:
Bloody hell!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is this room Mr b?
MR B:
I’d say it’s where Jim keeps things that annoy him. A heady mix of propaganda and stupidity that’s Jim’s picked up from scrolling through social media your Majesty.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Let us move on Mr b. Shut the door. Let us find that rabbit with the pocket watch.
MR B:
Agreed. I think this way.
S/FX: DOOR BEING CLOSED SOFTLY
S/FX: DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS
S/FX: DOOR SQUEAKING OPEN
VOICE:
[SOTTO VOCE] Britain is broken. Britain is broken.
S/FX: 2 – 3 BEATS OF TIME PASSING MUSIC
MR B:
There’s the rabbit with the pocket watch! Let’s follow, him or her. That rabbit? Could it be Jim’s personal ambition…
S/FX: FOOTSTEPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Perhaps. But we are back exactly where we started!
MR B:
Well, Jim is a great believer in reincorporation as a comedy device. WATCH OUT!
S/FX: THE SOUND OF A TRAIN RUSHING PAST. TOOT OF A STEAM WHISTLE
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What was that?
MR B:
A train your majesty, you know a cho-cho train.
JIM:
I seem to have lost my train of thought.
MR B:
Very funny Jim. Ve-ry funny!
JIM:
Ha ha!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And this long table covered in plates full of delicious looking food.
MR B:
Don’t tell me…
JIM [V.O.]:
That’s my food for thought.
MR B:
[TETCHY] Is it? Is it Jim? SHOULDN’T YOU BE WRITING?
JIM [V.O.]:
Just did.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
This hole Jim? This one here? What is that very dark hole?
MR B:
I can guess…
JIM [V.O.]:
It’s one of my plot holes.
MR B:
Give me strength.
JIM [V.O.]:
That was fire! Fire! FIRE!
MR B:
He’s gone full Gen Z! We’ll never get Jim back to the adult world! We’re doomed I tell you! Doomed!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
cMac! Play the Creative Medicine Tip!
S/FX: A BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP
JIM:
My creative medicine tip this episode is what to do when you have thoughts of giving up. Sometimes you have the desire to stop because the project isn’t working. Take a break. Simple isn’t it BUT before you take that break ask yourself ten questions about the project. The questions are up to you. You will find the questions that matter.
If you have no desire to carry on with the project, at the end of those put it to bed or what we call the ‘compost heap’ as it will lie dormant there, sometimes for years and you’ll either rework the idea or find passion for it.
Email me if I can help, jelly@jellytrumpet.com
JIM EXITS SOUND BOOTH
What’s that dripping sound? Is it raining?
RIFF: 9
S/FX: THE DRIPPING TAP
QUEEN ELEANOR:
There appears to be clouds forming above us Mr b.
MR B:
[RESIGNED] Here we go…
JIM [V.O.]:
I[HE CHORTLES] Clouding my judgment.
QUEEN ELANOR:
ENOUGH! Jim Kinloch, writer man! Back to the mature adult world and write something with a plot. Or I will make sure we never leave your head. You will be a forever Gen Z! I MEAN NOW MR!
MR B:
Her Majesty is rather annoyed Jim. We don’t want to let her down, do we?
JIM [V.O.]:
[SIGHS] I had doubts about Jelly Trumpet, the world’s only comedy podcast about creativity you see. I thought I could escape by living in my own head. Safe Enough! Enough I say! This is my head and I will use it as I please. Thank you, your Majesty. Sometimes we have to listen to the truth from someone we trust and… we have to embrace our rabbits… [TWO BEATS] I mean, our thoughts.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[WITH THE UTMOST SYMPATHY] Yes Jim. I see that now.
MR B:
[WITH GREAT CARE] Yes Jim. Come on, let’s go back, eh? To the comfortable adult world; we’ve got some fresh Scotch Eggs.
JIM [V.O.]:
Thank you. So, some coffee and… er…two Scotch Eggs and [TWO BEATS] a keyboard please.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[QUIETLY] Bravo! Mr b! Make steam! Push the correct button! [CLAPS HER HANDS] Rapide!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS IN EXCITMENT
MR B:
VERY WELL! Making steam, throwing the big switch, strong coffee and Scotch Eggs coming up. Pushing a button! For JELLY TRUMPET! Hurrah!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Hurrah!
S/FX: BUTTON BEING SWITCHED.
JIM [V.O.]:
Here we come universe…
IDENT & OUTRO
S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE
TONY:
That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’
Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.
JIM:
Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.
MUSIC
‘We Paint Houses’ tune.
RIFF 10
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
JIM:
I’m glad to be a mature adult again. Back to Lord of the Rings, Return of the King. Sam is…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I am glad.
MR B:
Me too.
VOICE:
Britain is broken
JIM:
No it isn’t.
S/FX: LARGE BOOK BEING THROWN
VOICE:
Brit…
S/FX: LARGE BOOK HITTING SOMETHING LIKE A HUMAN FACE
VOICE:
That hurt!
JIM (cont.):
Stop lying you thoughtless bastard [BEEP OUT??]! STOP LYING! Read some fiction. Embrace your good rabbits. Now Mr b I have some Jelly Trumpet plots ideas; gladiators & ducks, a podcast noir, zombies on a cruise liner, steam powered phones… a vibration boat…
MR B:
That’s great. Just one more thing Mr Jim?
JIM:
Yes, Mr b?
MR B:
Big fish. Goes deep. Death.
JIM:
Jaws Mr b. A classic summation of a classic film wouldn’t you say?
MR B:
No.
JIM:
O’.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I need a holiday. I will have a new crown, a beach crown. Golden sand and bright yellow sunshine, a cooling breeze, chilled wine and the relaxation… wonderful!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS. SHORT BURST OF TENOR SAX
MR B:
What did Nigel say?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He says he hates getting sand in his sax holes…
THANK YOU’S
JIM:
Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us at jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!
S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE