Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a time-travelling comedy podcast. Silly comedy for your listening or reading pleasure.
The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:
- Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
- Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
- Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode
Minor characters:
- Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
- Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
- cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
- Tony, the voice over guy
Previously on Jelly Trumpet
Jim was cured of Gen Z. by the care and love of Mr b and Queen Eleanor. He is now back in the adult world, telling Dad jokes and writing sensible Jelly Trumpet episodes.
In this Episode
Things take a turn for the worse when Jelly Trumpet goes back in time and lands in Roman St Albans in AD 265.
Will the crew survive a deadly gladiatorial arena? How could ducks possibly help?
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Read the Script
Season 3 Episode 02 – Gladiator Ducks
RIFF 1
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: DOOR BELL RINGS
JIM:
Who’s that at the door Tony?
TONY:
Iceland.
JIM:
Can’t be Tony. Iceland is a large island in the North Atlantic. Hardly likely to be visiting Jelly Trumpet in St Albans.
S/FX: SQUIRREL CHRIPING
ELEANOR:
Yes. Nigel. Soon my pet. Iceland have delivered your frozen nuts!
JIM:
Mr b. I am worried about the podcast. I mean we must be the only podcast in the history of podcasting to be declared outlaw. How can that be? What can we do? We’re outlaws… what would you suggest we do to overcome this almighty calamity? I mean the world is all ‘bread and games’ just like ancient Rome. Should we pack it all in and go back to the real world or should we embrace this development and ride the wave of, erm…
TONY:
[SOTTO VOCE] I might as well be invisible [YAWNS].
MR B:
Yes Jim.
JIM:
IT WAS… [HE RESTRAINS HIMSELF] [DEEP BREATH] it was an either-or question!
S/FX: THE SOFT QUACK OF A DUCK
MR B:
OK. Well, the second one.
JIM:
Yes. The second one. Mmmm. Yes. The second one.
MR B:
I am rather busy.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel wants to show you, his collection.
JIM:
BUSY! Science, is it?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel has rescued many, many…
MR B:
Something like that…
S/FX: TWO SOFT DUCK QUACKS
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
Alright a…
TONY:
I need a kip.
JIM:
That’s enough voice over guy! A quid pro quo Mr b.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Patience Nigel. We are, after all dealing with une paire de marionettes.
JIM:
Quid pro quo Mr b. It means…
MR B:
[TETCHY] I know what it means. It’s Latin! I’m trying to make this work. Now… What have you got?
JIM:
My latest script calls on a new member of the Jelly Trumpet crew.
MR B:
Go on.
JIM:
Eddie.
MR B:
Eddie? Eddie? Eddie?
JIM:
Eddie the mime artist.
MR B:
Eh?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes Nigel. You would think that these hors-la-loi would be sensible for a minute. [SHE SIGHS]. We’ll try again later. Come. Find me Spen. I want some time of… leisure [SHE GIGGLES GIRLISHLY].
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS AND PLAYS A FEW NOTES ON THE TENOR SAX
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME CUTS IN
TONY:
I’m back! Jelly time!
JIM:
What are you doing here?
MR B:
It’s in the script you wrote.
JIM:
This is very similar to a dream I had in Wales.
TONY:
Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TRAILER
TONY:
In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:
- Creative challenges!
- The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
- A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’
Plus:
- Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
- We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band
Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!
Get ready to RUMBLE!
[SOTTO VOCE] I’ve read a book you know. A green one.
S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE
RIFF 2
S/FX: FADE IN
S/FX: A CUPBOARD DOOR CREAKS OPEN
JIM:
Mr b, why do we have Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore and Tiger in the big cupboard?
MR B:
Because they wouldn’t fit in the small cupboard.
JIM:
I see. O’ well, could be useful later, perhaps in a future episode. Where did we get them?
MR B:
Season 2, episode 7. Remember? An episode called Rearrange when we landed on Treasure Island.
JIM:
O’ yes! [HE CHUCKLES] That was fun.
MR B:
We almost died Jim. The volcano. Remember?
JIM:
Well, apart from that.
S/FX: SLIGHTLY MORE DUCKS QUACKING
JIM [CONT.]:
Did you hear that?
MR B:
As I said. I’m busy. [ ABEAT] This device is very sensitive. It picks up any stray thoughts.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[A GENTLE GIGGLE] Thank you Spen. Merveilleux! Nigel ici!
S/FX: A VERY TIRED GUITAR RIFF
MR B:
I think the colour magenta. Maybe the hot magenta… mmmm!
S/FX: KNOCKING ON A DOOR
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is that knocking?
MR B:
It’s JB. Must be time for his rice pudding and yoghurt.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel. Obtenir le pudding. [CLAPPING HANDS] Rapide!
MR B:
Imagine if we were late with his pudding!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes. His singing would be so off key!
JIM:
What is that magenta colour for Mr b?
MR B:
Nothing to see here Jim.
JIM:
OK. I’ll just fetch Eddie.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Now Nigel!
S/FX: LOTS OF DUCKS QUACKING
MR B & JIM:
WHAT THE!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Vois ici! Nigel’s collection. Nigel has collected all the orphan ducks from the Verulamium Pond, soooooo cute, from the river Verrrr [elongating the ‘r’].
MR B:
Verrrrr?
JIM:
Verrrrr?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes. Verrrr. The river that runs through St Albans.
MR B:
Ver? Somehow it doesn’t sound finished.
JIM:
We can’t have dozens of ducklings running around the podcast. I mean, they are adorably cute. But it’s a mite mad. O’, Verrr, is that where the Romans got the name Verulamium from? You know the Latin name for St Albans?
MR B & QUEEN ELEANOR:
[LAUGHING] Yes Jim.
S/FX: A LOUD CLUNK
JIM:
What’s so funny? What the hell was that?!
MR B:
Nothing Jim.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Is it another butt…
MR B:
No, your majesty. Now everyone be quiet while I fix this… erm butt… this bean.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Bean?
MR B:
Shhhhhhhhhh! You’ll set the bean off!
JIM:
All I asked for was a quid pro quo…. Latin you know! Roman, Roman, Roman for… I’d like to visit ancient Rome. Fascinating…
MR B:
Yes Jim. You like history. [S/FX: WHIRRING SOUND] Nooooooo. The butt… the bean is sound activated. The ducklings must have set it off! O’ gawd!
JIM:
What is sound activated?
MR B:
The butt… bean.
S/FX: WHOOSHING SOUND
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel! ranger les canards.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
I may have crossed a line, again.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Where are we going?
MR B:
We’re…we’re…we’re…we’re…we’re…we’re…
S/FX: SOUND OF A FACE BEING SLAPPED
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Well?
MR B:
[HURT] that was quite stimulating. [SHEEPISH] Could be anywhere. Perhaps the past?
JIM:
The past!? Well, the past? [UBER SARCASTIC] That will be lovely at this time of the year!
S/FX: PODCAST LANDING SOUND
MR B:
I see. The podcast dials have recognised where the podcast has landed. The good news is we’re still in St Albans.
[A BEAT]
JIM:
And the bad news Mr b?
MR B:
O’, there isn’t any bad news Mr Jim.
JIM:
Really?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Come now Mr b. We’ve talked about this. We confront the truth.
TWO BEATS
S/FX: SOUND OF FISTS ON FLESH. GENERAL FIGHTING NOISE OUTSIDE
MR B:
Thank you, your Majesty. I needed a good thronging. Well, we’ve landed in the third century when St Albans was under Roman rule, you know Verulamium. You like history don’t you Jim?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Putain d’idiot!
MR B:
Easy ma’am! At least it’s not Borehamwood on a Friday night during a Wetherspoons promotion.
JIM:
Right. Ancient Britain… Romans everywhere. How the hell…? We need some thinking time! Let’s do one of the creative tip’s sections. You know before [VERY ANGRY] we end up trampled by some armoured rhinos in the Verulamium theatrum for the amusement of the plebeians?
MR B:
About this experiment…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
TU TARTES! Play the ‘Challenge at Home’ tape.
MR B:
cMac! cMac play the ‘Challenge at Home’ tape.
TONY:
Challenge at home!
CHALLENGE AT HOME
JIM:
This episode is about listening and creating. Go for a walk and listen. That’s all. Well, not quite. Remember at least five sounds you hear.
When you get home write the five or more sound down. Ask yourself, what do they remind you of? Now take your five sounds and create a short story, or some music, or a picture or sculpture.
What emotion do the combination of sounds bring to you. That’s the title of the piece you create.
Tell us about the story, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.
EXITS SOUND BOOTH
The sound booth is not so hot today Mr b?
MR B:
That’s because you’ve taken your trousers off.
JIM:
Ah!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
That reminds me. Nigel! Two pints of milk and a stuffed croissant.
JIM:
I’ve been thinking. What if there were different kinds of squirrel?
RIFF 3
S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT
S/FX: WHIRRING SOUND AND TRACKS OF CMAC
S/FX: CROWD CHEERING OUTSIDE
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel will leave the podcast first. He is a scouting squirrel.
MR B:
Very well. Opening podcast doors. Sending cMac with Nigel.
S/FX: AIR LOCK BEING OPENED
SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
The theatre is smaller than I remember from school trips.
MR B:
Doves! Look! Beautiful!
JIM:
Yes. Rather beautiful… one thing? Why are we in ancient St Albans?
ROMAN:
Prohibere. Quis es?
MR B:
He’s a big boy, isn’t he?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
N’est-il pas pourtant? The most massive man I have set eyes on.
MR B:
He certainly is a big chap.
JIM:
O’ gawd. All we need. A giant Roman soldier with a Mixed Martial Arts haircut. We might have a problem. How do we talk to this chap Mr b? My Latin is rather rusty.
MR B:
Not a problem Mr Jim. cMac the ultimate gizmo is equipped with many apps. cMac ‘Translation Forcefield.’
JIM:
Eh?
MR B:
cMac is equipped with the latest translation app. Brilliant, eh? cMac will translate their voice into English as they speak. And you can choose the voice they speak in, well, eventually. So far, I’ve only managed to load one English voice.
JIM:
Which is?
MR B:
Danny Dyer.
JIM:
That’s hardly English.
ROMAN:
[DANNY DYER VOICE] Oi! You! All of ye’. Come with me or they’ll be a row.
JIM:
[SARCASTIC] Brilliant Mr b. A Roman Danny Dyer. What was it Julius Caesar said? I came, I saw, [COCKNEY VOICE] I gave them a slap?
MR B:
Erm…
JIM:
I’m going to write another draft of the script. A Cockney Roman? Brilliant. We visit one of the cradles of civilisation in ancient Britain and what do we get? An Eastender in an armoured skirt. How did that happen Mr b?
MR B:
We’ve been inside your head Jim.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes, we have ‘word man’, our ‘mot homme’ and we’ve seen the rabbit that works the controls.
JIM:
Eh? Erm. Stop changing the subject. That’s my vibe. How did our podcast end up in third century St Albans?
MR B:
I may have tinkered with a… [SOTTO VOCE] new button.
JIM:
WHAT?!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel, round up the ducklings, we don’t want to lose any of the cute fluffies…
JIM:
A new button. I might have known. Tell me why this button has sent us to Roman St Albans?
MR B:
I wondered if I could create a button that took people to where their imagination wondered, hence the magenta button.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Putain d’idiot!
MR B:
cMac! cMac play the micro sitcom! Let me…ouch! Explain…
S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED
S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE
THE STARTUP: FORMULA F.A.T
TONY:
The Start up! A micro sitcom.
Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.
This episode is: ‘Formula F.A.T.!’
THE SCENE: THE SILVERSTONE GRAND PRIX CIRCUIT. MARY IS GREETING AN AUDIENCE OF PROSPECTIVE BUSINESS INVESTORS
MARY:
Thank you, investors, and welcome to all of you for my announcement.
MARVIN:
Let’s hear the pitch.
MARY:
Thank you so much Marvin. My plan is to take advantage of the motor industry move to green fuels, save the planet, I say! My vision is a new motor sport series. Our fuel will be recycled chip fat…
MARVIN:
Chip fat?
MARY:
So sorry Marvin, you’re American, aren’t you?
MARVIN:
Excuse me?
MARY:
That’s quite alright. You were born that way. Can’t help it eh? Translating for Marvin; oil from frying French fries, the stuff that makes them hot Marvin.
MARVIN:
I resent that.
MARY:
And we resent Americans carrying automatic weapons in primary schools Marvin. Anyway, moving on. Recycled chip fat is abundance, and motor sport is very popular, even in America, Land of the automatic weapon and cargo pants. Look at the success of Formula 1 with the Las Vagas Grand Prix?
S/FX: HIGH SPEED F1 CARS.
MARVIN:
Jeez!
MARY:
I’ve brought you here to Silverstone to see and hear our first car and meet the first Formula F.A.T. team.
MARVIN:
Formula Fat?
MARY:
That’s right Marvin. Only we don’t call it Formula Fat, we call it Formula F… A… T. Should go down well in America, you can supersize the grand prix tickets with your ridiculous bacon and a bucket of fizzy sugared water.
MARVIN:
I could kill a coke.
MARY:
Or it you. Gentlemen and ladies, I present…
S/FX: FANFARE OR DRAMATIC MUSIC
MARY {CONT.):
TEAM BABYMAKER!
SILENCE FOR TWO BEATS
MARVIN:
I don’t know if there is a future in Formula One for team F.A.T. for babies?
MARY:
Of course, there is Marvin. Babies are our future unless you shoot them.
S/FX: ROARING OF FORMULA 1 ENGINES
END
RIFF: 4
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT
MR B:
I think we should leave now!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
When in St Albans… Nigel! Bring the ducklings!
JIM:
We could see some Roman sights, take in a show perhaps?
ROMAN:
[DANNY DYER VOICE] Shut it!
MR B:
Why’s Danny Dyer taken out that long stabby thing?
JIM:
That Mr b is a gladius, a sword. It’s where we get the name gladiator, literally ‘swordsman.’
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Bon. Now we have un podcast humoristique et un documentaire historique. Let’s go home Mr b.
ROMAN:
[DANNY DYER VOICE] I said shut it! Ge’ a move on you plonkers. lef’ righ’, lef’ righ’!
MR B:
I wonder what I’ve done now?
JIM:
You and your button have landed us in dire straits Mr b. You and your magenta button!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel!
MR B:
Dire Straits always cheers you up.
JIM:
Only when I’m drunk Mr b. This is dire straits as in, nearly chopped to death without a last request or even an Instagram post.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel! Nigel!
JIM:
We’re in Roman St Albans and being marched, God knows where, by London black-cab-sized armoured hulk who sounds like the carpet from a Wetherspoons pub.
MR B
Sounds like the carpet of a Wetherspoons pub?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS IN THE DISTANCE FOLLOWED BY SOME DUCK QUACKS
JIM:
Yes. Stained and full of hate.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
There he is! Nigel! Nigel! Nigel follow us. We’ll come back for the ducklings.
MR B:
What is Nigel doing and why is he putting his ducklings in a big sack?
S/FX: BURST OF TENOR SAX
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I know not Mr b. Mr Jim?
JIM:
I think I wrote the ducklings for some reason. Erm, an important reason and…
MR B:
And?
JIM:
…and I’m sure that come back to me. Remember that this is only the third draft of the script…
MR B:
We’ve talked about this before Jim! We can’t go on making episodes of Jelly Trumpet with only a third draft of the script!
TONY:
Is it beddy-beddy-night-time-yet? Blast! [YAWNS]. Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.
[SOTTO VOCE] I’ve studied Europe you know.
S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE
INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN
JIM INTRODUCES GUEST
END
RIFF: 5
S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME
MR B:
Look, I’ve told you. I didn’t touch any buttons!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[DISBELIEVING] Mr b…
MR B:
I didn’t touch the new one.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
The magenta button?
MR B:
That’s right. I definitely and distinctly remember not touching the magenta button.
JIM:
So, how come the Jelly Trumpet podcast has landed us in Roman Verulamium in a custodia publica, that means prison in Latin, Mr b?
MR B:
Must have been the ducklings.
JIM:
What?
MR B:
The magenta button could be duck activated. I mean what could possibly go wrong?
S/FX: DUCK SOUND
JIM:
Duck activated? A duck activated button? What were you thinking?
MR B:
I wasn’t.
S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC
COMING UP
TONY:
Coming up!
• Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge
• List of the week
- Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
- And a surprise post music scene!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME
CHALLENGE JIM
TONY:
Challenge Jim!
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC
MR B:
Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to perform a short play of one minute, using only the letters, ‘O’ and ‘A’, Mmmm and your favourite animal noises.
JIM:
What! [BEEP]ing hell Mr b! OK. Here we go…
[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]
MR B:
Moving on.
RIFF: 6
S/FX: A DRIPPING TAP THAT FADES OUT
JIM:
I wonder Mr b; do you remember when we had Sandi Toksvik as a guest on the show?
MR B:
This dripping water sound effect is familiar… What? No Jim. We’re in prison, why are we talking about the lovely Sandi T. I don’t remember her being a guest on the show?
JIM:
Why don’t you remember?
MR B:
Because it never happened. You’ve made that up, haven’t you?
QEEEN ELEANOR:
‘Ere we go…
MR B:
If he can make stuff up then I can do my experiments!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Let him do an experiment Mr Jim. Mr b is adorable when he puts on his white lab coat.
JIM:
Thank you, your Majesty.
MR B:
Fair is fair Mr Jim.
JIM:
OK. I write stuff. You experiment and her Majesty tells us off.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We must get out of this horrible prison. It is, how you say ‘like the centre isle in an Aldi.’
JIM:
Now, I’ve written a…
MR B:
I’ve got an experiment that means an end to…
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
Was that Nigel?
MR B:
Your Majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It is Nigel! Look up there! Through the bars!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR (cont.):
[TO NIGEL] Nigel, seek us an escape route! Rapide!
S/FX: TENOR SAX
JIM:
No sax Nigel. We’re trapped in a Roman prison and we need to get home! It’s Netflix and chill night.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
RIFF: 7
JIM:
It went like this Mr b. Sandy Toksvig came on the show and…
S/FX: HARP MUSIC FOR GOING BACK IN TIME
S/FX: BONGOS BEING PLAYED
QUEEN ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE:
Arrête ça Nigel.
S/FX: DOOR BELL RINGING
JIM:
What was that strange sound?
MR B:
[VERY TETCHY] The doorbell Jim. [RESIGNED] I’ll get it.
S/FX: CREAKY DOOR OPENING
MR B:
Look Jim. It’s Sandi Toksvig.
JIM:
Can’t be. She’s not writing a book.
MR B:
Good afternoon, Sandi.
SANDI:
Good afternoon… What is that, er tall thing in the middle of the studio?
JIM:
That’s your very own pedestal Sandi.
MR B:
Yes. A pedestal just for you, with a Bingsta armchair from Ikea on top, for your interview.
JIM:
We like our celebrities on pedestals.
SANDI:
That’s very kind but…
MR B:
I know what you’re thinking.
QUEEN ELEANOR
It is a long way down. But Nigel will catch you if you topple off.
SANDI:
Nigel?
MR B:
Nigel is our ‘catching-squirrel’ and tenor sax player.
JIM:
He’s also a sniffer squirrel.
SANDI:
He’s huge! I’m not sure of the sax part?
MR B:
Nigel is very rare.
JIM
Very rare. His family are from the Balkans.
SANDI:
I see.
JIM:
Sandi, we’d like you to be very funny. Then tell the world to listen to the Jelly Trumpet podcast.
MR B:
Share the goodness and we’ll appoint you Jelly Trumpet ambassador to the stars.
JIM:
Very well Mr b. Let’s get on.
S/FX: CLUNK, CLUNK, CLICK AND A WHOSH OF STEAM
MR B:
Ready. FOR ALL MANKIND!
SANDI:
That’s a squirrel the size of a St Bernard dog.
JIM:
Yes. He is large Sandi. Nigel is our resident squirrel, and this is Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine from 12th century France.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Madame.
SANDI:
What exactly is this madhouse?
TONY (VOICE OVER GUY):
Not a madhouse Sandi. This is Jelly Trumpet.
S/FX: SHORT BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
MR B:
Well Jim, was Sandi the most wonderful celebrity interview?
JIM:
No.
S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC
LIST OF THE WEEK
TONY:
List of the week!
JIM:
This episode. Things I like to do while cooking.
Number one: This bit of pork crackling, yum
Number two: That bit of pork crackling, yummy
Number three: That other bit of pork crackling, corr!
Number four: Wine sipping.
Number five: Pork crackling with gravy.
Number six: Pork crackling without gravy.
Number seven: Wine sipping.
Number eight: Apple sauce and crackling.
Number nine: Erm… OK then a little bit more crackling
Number ten: Wine sipping.
Number eleven: Feeding people I love.
Number twelve: God I’m fat.
EXITS SOUND BOOTH
Well, that’s a great list wouldn’t you say Mr b?
MR B:
A mite pork heavy.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Food of the gods.
JIM:
God I’m fat.
MR B & QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes.
JIM:
Thanks.
MR B:
I’ve got a gizmo that can turn human fat into heating oil.
JIM:
Well, no Mr b.
RIFF: 8
S/FX: DRIPPING TAP
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Look it’s Nigel and he has brought the ultimate gizmo, cMac!
JIM & MR B:
Hurrah!
QUEEN ELENAOR:
Rapide! Nigel!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
S/FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS
S/FX: HEAVY BOLTS ON A DOOR BEING PULLED. THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[WHISPERING] Nigel hide!
ROMAN:
Alright my pretties time for you to have a right proper barney with some ol’ radiators.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is that?
MR B:
I think radiator is rhyming slang for gladiator.
JIM:
That’s a new one. I do believe that we are in deep trouble, good people. This is going to end badly! I booked a weekend break at Centre Parks you know.
MR B:
The one in Sherwood Forest? That’s a nice one.
JIM:
Yes. It’s very leafy.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Stop it! Merveilleux j’ai envie d’un spectacle!
MR B:
I wonder if there’s going to be a band?
ROMAN:
LET’S BE ‘AVING YA!
S/FX: THE ROAR OF A CROWD
JIM:
No! We’re going to be murdered in the past, in Roman St Albans. This isn’t real, is it? Look, it’s Nigel!
MR B:
I don’t think this could be any worse Mr Jim. Sorry, I just love buttons. Sorry about the duck activated idea.
JIM:
And I’m sorry about only writing three drafts of this episode.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Mon adorable lapin câlin!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
What do you suggest Jim so we avoid instant death?
JIM:
Erm, how about a rousing game of: ‘No, I’m Spartacus!’
MR B:
That could work. Everyone loves that game. ‘No I’m Sparticus!’…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Isn’t that Russell Crowe?
JIM:
Can’t be your Majesty, this isn’t a movie.
MR B:
Meanwhile Mr Jim, what do we do about the assembled chaps, must be around thirty of them, all with large shields and rather sharp looking swords and other long pointy things.
JIM:
Samnites Mr b. Those would be Saminte gladiators. Where?
MR B:
Behind you.
JIM:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
S/FX: A BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP
JIM:
My creative medicine tip this episode is called ‘entering late.’ Say you’ve written a scene of a play, tv or film or a book. How late can you enter that scene? Reread and find the most telling point. Can you chop out what precedes in the scene?
If you are writing a biography you don’t have to go from birth to death. You can enter that life where it means something about that person, then work your way forward and then backward, like a seesaw of life.
Email me if I can help your creative project, jelly@jellytrumpet.com
RIFF: 9
S’FX: ROARING CROWD
MR B:
What now Mr Jim?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel!
MR B:
Nigel can’t help.
JIM:
Nigel is a very large and sometime fierce squirrel, especially if you pinch his nuts.
QUEEN ELANOR:
Yes he can. He has an advantage! Watch! O’ and this is the last time we go anywhere with a second draft script. Vous clown!
MR B:
What advantage does Nigel have? He’s a squirrel!
JIM:
I shall miss my, erm… I’ll have you know this is the third draft of the script.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel!
MR B:
It’s been fun Mr Jim.
JIM;
Yes Mr b. Jelly Trumpet has been a lot of fun. Goodbye good people. We had such potential…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel, release the ducklings!
S/FX: LOTS OF QUACKING DUCKS
MR B:
Well, I never… it can’t be!
JIM:
Now I remember! Who can’t resist a duckling? They’re so fluffy! Let’s absent ourselves people, while the Samnites have a duck…
MR B & QUEEN ELEANOR:
HUZZAH!
IDENT & OUTRO
S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE
TONY:
That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’
Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.
JIM:
Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.
MUSIC
‘We Paint Houses’ tune.
RIFF 10
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
MR B:
Just one more thing Mr Jim, now we are back in the present?
JIM:
Yes, Mr b?
MR B:
Eddie, the mime artist? Is he joining the Jelly Trumpet crew?
JIM:
Erm… did I say that?
MR B:
Listen.
S/FX: TAPE BEING REWOUND
JIM:
Mr b! Why do you keep recording my brain?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Come Nigel. We ride…
S/FX: A GUITAR RIFF
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS. SHORT BURST OF TENOR SAX
JIM:
Come on Mr b! You can’t go around recording people’s brains.
MR B:
Well, someone has to remember what you’re doing… because you don’t!
JIM:
You don’t have to record ALL OF MY BRAIN!
MR B:
I don’t record the bits about Cate Blanchett.
JIM:
There’s a lot to love. Those cheek bones.
MR B:
There is a lot to love. Those cheek bones.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
IT’S JUST CONTOURING!
JIM;
And another thing. Mr b records my brain.
MR B:
You’ve just said that.
JIM:
Didn’t.
S/FX: TAPE BEING REWOUND
MR B:
Shall I play it?
JIM:
OK. But this time play the bit where I write something funny.
MR B:
O’.
THANK YOU’S
JIM:
Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!
S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE