Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a time-travelling comedy podcast. Silly comedy for your listening or reading pleasure.
The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:
- Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
- Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
- Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode
Minor characters:
- Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
- Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
- cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
- Tony, the voice over guy
Previously on Jelly Trumpet
The crew found themselves on a train in 1896 England. A train packed with danger including a gorilla, two tigers, clouds of bees and millions of pound notes!
In this Episode
We join the surprised crew as they negotiate an upturned cruise liner during a zombie apocalypse. Will they survive with limbs intact? Can they escape the terrifying space and live happily ever after?
What are the CIA doing on the cruise liner? Do you get confused between babies and cats?
Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!
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‘We Paint Houses’
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Read the Script
Season 3 Episode 06 – Zed Boat
RIFF 1
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TONY:
Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.
JIM:
Mr b?
MR B:
Yes Mr Jim?
JIM:
You know I like simple things.
MR B:
Hence you love of bacon.
JIM:
Exactly! Now, I’d like you to say two words, beer and can.
MR B:
Beer can!
JIM:
Lovely. Now thinking in a Jamaican accent about bacon, say beer can.
MR B:
Beer can. Beer can. Beer can. Thank you, Jim. I’ve always wanted a cool accent.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is this?
JIM:
Your Majesty, that’s a picture of the Titanic. A terrible tragedy. A huge liner sank in April 1912 in the North Atlantic.
MR B:
It was the maiden cruise to America, your Majesty. The Titanic hit an iceberg. Many people were lost.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is this America? Is it a place of riches, godliness, chivalry?
MR B:
Not really.
JIM:
Not really. It’s more a fatuous fame-filled fantasy, your Majesty.
MR B:
Why do you have a picture of the Titanic your Majesty?
JIM:
Cruise ships are a lot bigger these days. People live on them year-round.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[SARCASTIC] Quite. I like the flag. The Jelly Trumpet podcast should have its own flag.
S/FX: SAXOPHONE
JIM:
O’, the White Star Line flag, red background, white star.
MR B:
Nigel! It’s time for your nap.
S/FX: CHIRPING
QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:
Nap time Nigel. Saxophone down. Dans votre panier. Good boy.
MR B:
Now. I have to get back to fixing the leak in the bathroom. O’, have you seen my new podcast app? Now, I can control the whole of Jelly Trumpet from a simple app on my phone.
JIM:
That’s very useful Mr b. As an outlaw podcast we must embrace technology to keep ahead of the Podcast Authority… Eventually Mr b Jelly Trumpet will make us Internet multimillionaires
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Who discovered the America?
JIM:
It’s thought the Vikings your Majesty. Norsemen, Normans… your forebearers. Men with beards, longships and axes, plus navigation & plundering skills.
MR B:
Internet multimillionaires indeed. [TO HIMSELF] I’m going to need monkey wrench number six, a coat hanger and a pint and a half of strong coffee.
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
S/FX: KEYBOARD BEING TAPPED
JIM:
See your majesty, on the computer screen? A Viking longboat and here, a picture of the Titanic. Quite a contrast, eh?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[BORED] Quite. Well, now I have to wash my hair, it’s got England in it.
JIM:
Errr, quite.
MR B:
[V.O.] O NO!
S/FX: DOOR OPENING AND RUSHING WATER
JIM:
What’s happened Mr b?
MR B:
I, err… I don’t know how it happened, but the water pipe burst.
S/FX: RUSHING OF WATER
JIM:
Well. Stop it.
MR B:
What do you think I’m trying to do? Make a water feature for the Chelsea flower show! Well, help me!
TONY:
Now?
JIM
Not now Tony.
MR B:
Not now Tony!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Is there a switch? You know. To turn the water off?
MR B:
Brilliant! Yes’, your majesty. STOP COCK!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I’d rather not. That reminds me, where is Spen? Now Tony!
TONY:
I’m back! Jelly time!
TONY:
Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TRAILER
TONY:
In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:
- Creative challenges!
- The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
- A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’
Plus:
- Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
- We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band
Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!
Get ready to RUMBLE!
[SOTTO VOCE] I’ve back from Watford. Mark me safe.
S/FX: JELLLY TRUMPET JINGLE
RIFF 2
S/FX: BUCKLING METAL, BROKEN ELECTRIC LIGHTS BUZZING
JIM:
Mr b!
MR B:
Yes Mr Jim?
JIM:
What, exactly, happened in the bathroom?
MR B:
Well, I was just reaching for my phone and the water pipe burst.
JIM:
And?
MR B:
[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY] Erm, I, I, I, I…
JIM:
Well?
MR B:
I dropped the phone.
S/FX: STEAM ESCAPING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Doigts de beurre! Really? Nigel ici!
JIM:
You dropped your phone into the bath, didn’t you? The phone that NOW has an app for controlling the Jelly Trumpet podcast? Where has the app sent us then? You don’t know do you?
MR B:
This is an odd place…
JIM:
Don’t change the subject. That’s what I do. Now…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel is an escape squirrel. He will find a way out [SARCASTIC] mes braves garçons
JIM:
Where are we then Mr b? That’s odd.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel! Find an escape route. [CLAPPING HANDS] Rapide!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS AND SCAMPERS THROUGH A PUDDLE
JIM:
It would appear that there are stairs on the roof? What could that mean?
MR B:
I know…
JIM:
Yes?
MR B:
We’re upside down.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Têtes de crème anglaise. The boat is upside down.
MR B:
O’, right. The boat’s upside down.
JIM:
I see, upside down.
S/FX: CRASHING OF METAL ON METAL
JIM:
Mr b. The app on your phone. Best use it now. I left a pan of chilli on the hob. It will need a good stir shortly.
MR B:
WILL DO! ENGAGING APP!
[TWO BEATS]
JIM:
We’re still here.
S/FX: METAL DOOR OPENING AND A SLIGHT GROWLING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Here Mr b. Dry the phone with my silk handkerchief.
MR B:
Rubbing, rub, rubba, rub dub! Right. Here we go, ENGAGING APP!
[TWO BEATS]
JIM:
Well, rubbing your device with a silk handkerchief didn’t work.
MR B:
There may be water, erm, in my device.
S/FX; GROWLING GETTING NEARER
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What’s this? See, look at the end of the corridor.
JIM:
I can’t make it out. The dancing lights… the flickering shadows…
MR B:
That’s Nigel. He’s coming back at great speed!
S/FX: RUNNING SOUND OF A SQUIRREL
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel. Good boy… ici, reste!
S/FX: RUNNING SOUND OF A SQUIRREL DISAPPEARING INTO THE DISTANCE
MR B:
Why would Nigel run past us…
JIM:
…and he’s still running… and where did he get that rope over his shoulder?
MR B:
…like his life depends on it?
JIM:
I wonder…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Run! You pies! Follow Nigel…
S/FX: RUNNING FEET FADING INTO DISTANCE BLENDING INTO AN ANIMAL GROWLING SOUND
MR B:
[SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH] Pies?
JIM:
[HOPELESSLY OUT OF BREATH] I… need…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Through here garçons!
S/FX: A DISTANT SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF A ‘WILD ANIMAL’ EATING ITS PREY
MR B:
[ULTRA SARCASTIC] Need what? Water? Cheese? A good rub down? What do you need Jim?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is that? Nigel! Dieu merci.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY
JIM:
[STILL BREATHING HEAVILY] Air… air b and b… what’s that?
MR B:
Airbnb? I’m not a short let you know?
S/FX: DOOR BEING SLAMMED
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What Mr Jim? What do you see?
JIM:
Over in the corner. It’s moving. A bundle of rags? It’s coming towards us!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
O’ that? And what about this?
MR B:
What your Majesty? [SARCASTIC] Internet multimillionaires my ars…
S/FX: A MAN’S SCREAM DYING AWAY. SOMETHING BANGING A DOOR AND GROWLING
JIM:
Yes, Mr b… eventually we’ll be Internet multimillionaires, you’ll see. Careful your Majesty!
S/FX: GARGLING BABY
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It’s a baby.
MR B:
[SARCASTIC] Great. Just what we needed. An unattended baby! I’m going to rub my device harder and escape.
JIM:
I’m going in.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY
MR B:
Leave it Nigel! No Mr Jim!
S/FX: A MEOW
JIM:
It’s a cat. A lovely furry moggie. Isn’t it sweet? Could be a Maine Coon, could even be a Norwegian Forest cat. He… she’s massive! Who’s a good moggie then…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It’s a girl.
S/FX: BABY GARGLES
JIM:
No, your Majesty. Definitely a cat. See, it has a long furry tail.
[A BEAT]
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Not that monsieur chou. This! I found this baby in the linen basket.
JIM:
Well, this is tricky. What shall we do now?
S/FX: MULTIPLE BANGS ON DOOR AND THE GROWLS OF SEVERAL VOICES
MR B:
O’ [A BEAT] Tony do SOMETHING!
TONY:
Challenge at home!
CHALLENGE AT HOME
JIM:
This challenge is aimed specifically at business people but works for any small group. Have a walking meeting. That’s right. Get outside and walk your meeting. So, for example you are looking to promote your service, product or project in a new way.
Walking meetings improve the generation of ideas and developing and communicating new ideas. The reasoning behind this is walking and talking produces a feeling of moving from one idea to another. Do keep the group small, four people maximum, set a time for the walk, say twenty minutes (this adds time discipline, but you can experiment with timing of the walk. Return to your place of work and write down the ideas generated while walking.
Tell us about your insights, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.
Now where were we? O’ yes, we don’t know.
JIM EXITS SOUND BOOTH
I’ve been thinking?
MR B & QUEEN ELEANOR:
Yes Mr Jim.
JIM:
After the next recording of the show we could sit down and design a flag for the podcast.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
With a lion…
MR B:
Rampant?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I certainly am.
JIM:
Mr b meant the lion.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Non. The lion would be sleeping.
MR B:
We could have Nigel, a squirrel ‘Passant’ along with a button.
JIM:
And I shall be captain of the ship staring at the sun-gold horizon.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Staring into the abyss. Nous allons continuer l’enregistrement!!!
RIFF 3
S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT
S/FX: BUZZ OF ELECTRICITY
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Well?
SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Not you Nigel. Suggestions?
SF/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
Right. Suggestions. Erm. Well, we…we… go upstairs of the boat and talk to the captain.
MR B:
Yes. Let’s do that. You can bring the cat Jim. You like cats.
JIM:
I do Mr b, I love…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
One moment. Hold the baby Mr b.
SF/FX: SOUND OF TWO SLAPS
JIM:
I deserved that.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Give the baby to Mr Jim, Mr b.
MR B:
Right o’, why?
SF/FX: SOUND OF TWO SLAPS
JIM:
He deserved that.
MR B:
I did.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We will now have a recap Messieurs. First, Mr b. Never take your phone with a podcast app to the bathroom. Second, we are on an upturned cruise liner somewhere in the Caribbean…
MR B:
Eh?
JIM:
Eh?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Look at the placemats, The Royal Symphony of the Caribbean. Pay attention! Third and I will stress this. We… are… in… danger. [A BEAT] The heavy banging on the door? The deep growling? The scream? The sound of someone, possibly, being eaten alive [SARCASTIC] are cludes?
JIM:
Cludes?
MR B:
Yes. You’re so right your Majesty.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[SARCASTIC] And you are suggesting we go ‘up’ to find the captain? Messieurs, if we go up, we will be going down.
MR B:
Yes. Your Majesty, you’re right!
JIM:
Erm?
MR B:
The boat is upside down Mr Jim. Therefore, if we go up, we’ll be going down to the bottom of the boat. Won’t find a captain at the bottom of the boat. Highly unlikely.
JIM:
I see. So… if we go down to the top of the boat? Possibly find the captain?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Enough!
JIM:
[SOTTO VOCE] What if we went sideways for a bit?
S/FX: BUTTON BEING PUSHED
S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE
THE STARTUP: ROGAN BALL
TONY:
The Start up! A micro sitcom.
Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.
This episode is: ‘Rogan Ball’
THE SCENE: A SUPER HIP COFFEE SHOP IN HACKNEY WICK. A PLACE WHERE HIPSTERS FLOCK. MARY IS MEETING ROGAN BALL, A WELL-KNOWN SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER
S/FX: HUM OF SERVERAL VOICES
MARY:
I’ve not met a social influencer before Rogan. I believe, for a price, you can promote my Babymaker makeup brand, ‘make them cute, hide the dribbles’ to your substantial social following.
ROGAN:
Sure. You can pay me in Dick Dong.
MARY:
Dick Dong?
ROGAN:
Yeah! Dick Dong, it’s the future of cryptocurrency. I’m promoting them. You must ‘ave seen my viral vid’? ‘Donkey in a lift buys a hat?’
MARY:
No.
ROGAN:
How about my vid’ ‘Fighting Japanese schoolgirls with fish in a Sauna?’
MARY:
Certainly not. Now do you have an idea for promoting my baby makeup brand?
ROGAN:
Sure, I got shed loads of ideas. We glue a baby to the front of my Ferrari 296 GTB in a wind tunnel. No? OK. Bungee jumping babies. I see how many I can catch in a bucket, sorry, crib. No? How about I marry a baby? No? OK. Here’s a great idea!
S/FX: HEAVY METAL OBJECT PUT DOWN ON A TABLE
MARY:
That would appear to be some kind of firearm.
[A BEAT]
ROGAN:
Sure is. A G18 Glock automatic pistol. So, the idea is I play Russian Roulette while the baby watches…
[A BEAT]
MARY:
Mr Rogan. I do not want my baby makeup brand associated with alcohol, drugs, tobacco, accountants and especially firearms. And Russian Roulette is so very dangerous.
ROGAN:
No? It’ll be fine. I’ve done it before. Come on, it’ll be a viral vid’ in no time and Russian Roulette isn’t that dangerous all the time.
MARY:
It is very dangerous Mr Rogan. Especially if you’re using an automatic pistol.
ROGAN:
Look. I put the gun to my head. It’s a great vid’ close up shot. The baby gurgles…
MARY:
Please stop Mr Rogan.
ROGAN:
Look. It’s not even load…
S/FX: GUNSHOT
MARY:
O’, Waiter! Clean up on table eight please. [A BEAT] Now where am I going to find an influencer with brains… inside their head?
END
RIFF: 4
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Sideways? That is a film is it not?
JIM:
Yes, it is. ‘Sideways’ in that case, really means ‘drunk’.
MR B:
O’, I didn’t know that! Jim really likes films your Majesty. His head is packed with trivia.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Quite. We go up. Perhaps break through the bottom of the boat by the propeller. We will need equipment.
MR B:
Perhaps?
JIM:
Did you bring cMac Mr b?
MR B:
Unfortunately, not Mr Jim. cMac, the ultimate gizmo, won’t work when wet. [TO HIMSELF] I must make a waterproof version…
JIM:
O’ no! What was that? It looked like…
MR B:
Like what Mr Jim?
JIM:
Well, it looked like a chimpanzee, walking upright, in a Hawaiian short sleeved shirt and carrying [LAUGHS], well what looked like an M4 automatic carbine with a flash suppressor.
TOD:
Which way he go Mister?
JIM:
He went to the left. Eh? Where did you come from?
TOD:
I came from over there.
MR B:
Erm Mister…
TOD:
Tod. So, you just saw one of the chimps?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Tod, could you explain the growling and screaming?
JIM:
That’s the Zeds man. Zeds’ dead. The walking dead… I mean Zombies Ma’am.
JIM:
Zombies. That’s serious. Isn’t it?
MR B:
[VERY SARCASTIC] Yes Jim. A Zombie apocalypse is usually, but not always, serious.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
So, Mr Tod, can you help us?
JIM:
And the armed chimps. What’s occurring there?
TOD:
Nope. Can’t help you. It’s everyone for themselves. I’m gonna tell ya but I ain’t gonna kill you. Fair enough? Those are Special Forces chimps. Trained to operate behind enemy lines and assassinate persons of too much interest.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Fair enough Tod. So, what are they, these chimpanzés des forces spéciales, doing on a cruise liner in the Caribbean?
TOD:
They’re on holiday.
JIM:
Hence the Hawaiian short sleeved shirt.
MR B:
Well spotted Mr Jim.
TOD:
Well, nice knowing you.
S/FX: FOOTSTEPS FADING INTO THE DISTANCE
TONY:
O’ dear o’ dear, o’ dear. How’s the Jelly Trumpet crew going to survive? Dramatic, eh? [YAWNS] eh? Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.
FREE THE GLUTEN!
S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE
INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN
JIM INTRODUCES GUEST
END
RIFF: 5
S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: BURST OF DANGER MUSIC
MR B:
What a pickle.
JIM:
Less of a pickle, more of a chutney of a situation Mr b.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We must make a move. Zombies and Special Forces Chimps willing. Leave the cat, bring the baby Mr b.
JIM:
I’m not leaving Katherine.
MR B:
Katherine?
JIM:
Yes. I’ve named her Katherine.
MR B:
Fair enough.
JIM:
She’s coming with us!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Very well, onward. Who was that Tod fellow?
JIM:
FBI?
MR B:
CIA maybe?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Is that bad?
MR B:
Not necessarily. Spies or US police, can be useful as long as they are not in a movie.
JIM:
Let’s catch up with Tod and have another go at getting him to help.
MR B:
And avoid the Zombies.
JIM:
O’ yes. And avoid the Zombies. Tod turned left here.
S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC
COMING UP
TONY:
Coming up!
• Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge
• List of the week
- Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
- And a surprise post music scene!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME
CHALLENGE JIM
TONY:
Challenge Jim!
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC
MR B:
Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to state an alternative system for the governing of the United Kingdom. You have one minute!
JIM:
OK. Here we go…
[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]
MR B:
Moving on.
JIM EXITS THE SOUNDBOOTH
JIM:
I believe that I nailed that.
MR B:
Yes Jim. You nailed that like nailing smoke to a notice board.
JIM:
Yes! O’. I promise to practice more.
MR B:
Anyway, back to the show eh?
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
RIFF: 6
S/FX: DOOR OPENING
MR B:
There he is.
JIM:
What’s that smell?
MR B:
Quite acrid.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Fires. I have smelt many. In the Aquitaine we used flames as a cure.
MR B:
To cure what your Majesty, mackerel?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Protestants.
JIM:
Well, that’s all in the past. The smell is getting worse.
MR B:
Definitely worse. Is that pork burning?
JIM:
Tod! O’ Tod!
MR B:
Is he waving?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Waving with one finger? Comme c’est très élégant
MR B:
Shouldn’t we try and catch up with him before he disappears through that door?
JIM:
Yes Mr b. O’, Tod!
S/FX: A LOUD WHOOSH OF FLAMES. A DISTANT SCREAM
MR B:
Well, that explains the aroma of burnt pork.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What happened Mr Jim? I was soothing the baby.
JIM:
I think Tod may have been a protestant, your Majesty.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Bon!
Mr B:
I could kill for a BBQ rib.
S/FX: MEOW OF A CONTENTED CAT
RIFF: 7
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME BURST
S/FX: GROWLING AND FOOTSTEPS OF MULTIPLE ZOMBIES
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Move. MOVE! Zombies coming this way. MOVE!
S/FX: A DISTANT SCREAM
MR B:
A hair dryer. We need a hair dryer.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What? Why do we need a hair dryer? Your hair is fabulous Mr b.
JIM:
Surely you can wait to dry your hair Mr b?
MR B:
The hair dryer is not for me!
JIM:
They’re gaining!
MR B:
Up there!
JIM:
Up the backward stairs everyone.
MR B:
With a hair dryer I can gently dry the phone and get the podcast app working and get us out of this Zombie mess. It’s very scary.
JIM:
Yes. Very scary,
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Help me!
MR B:
O’ NO! Her Majesty has slipped. The Zeds are gaining… Mr Jim!
JIM:
Grab hold Queenie!
MR B:
Give me the baby.
JIM:
I can’t.
MR B:
You can!
JIM:
Ready! 3, 2, 1. HEAVE!
S/FX: SOME GRUNTING
MR B:
She’s safe! Well done Mr Jim. Brilliant! You saved Queenie.
JIM:
Thank heavens. Arrrhhh! My back…
MR B:
See the sign? It’s upside down but it’s what we want… through here!
S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC
LIST OF THE WEEK
TONY:
List of the week!
JIM:
This episode. My everyday rituals which are not compulsive behaviour.
Number one: Shaking the duvet every morning to make the bed, while imagining I’m signalling a rescue boat.
Number two: Assembling breakfast, bowl, spoon, granola, milk, yoghurt, iPhone.
Number three: Switching the shower on. Taking my dressing gown off in the bedroom, so by the time I get to the shower, the water is warm.
Number four: Drying myself with two towels, including the ‘special’ red towel.
Number five: Read my email while singing ‘Take Me Home, Country Roads’ thinking of Merlin in Kingsman: The Golden Circle.
Number six: Get stuck into work after writing a priority check list.
Number seven: Make a coffee, in my neat machine, always adding an egg cup more of water, to allow for evaporation.
Number eight: Scroll through Linkedin muttering ‘humbug’ at all the ‘I’d like to thank’ posts
Number nine: Imagine life with a new Audi S1
Number ten: Mid-morning, decide on lunch, open the fridge twice and look for something I’ll have forgotten.
Number eleven: Disperse negative thoughts with a spot of mindfulness.
Number twelve: Repeat to myself, ‘must eat green vegetables tonight.’
JIM EXITS SOUND BOOTH
All of that was true Mr b.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
If I may make a suggestion Mr Jim. Bon! I would get out more. le spectacle doit continuer!
RIFF: 8
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: FEET WALKING, CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY
JIM:
My, my, my…
MR B:
Is your back bad Mr Jim?
JIM:
Old problem. Yes. Yes, it is.
MR B:
Let’s get in here and barricade the door. Your Majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
You knew you’d hurt your back didn’t you ma mot homme?
S/FX: A HAIR DRYER SWITCHED ON
MR B:
See! We found the ship’s hairdressers…
JIM:
Yes your Majesty. Hurry Mr b.
MR B:
It might take a while.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We need to find the baby’s mother.
S/FX: BABY CRY FOLLOWED BY A CAT MEOW
JIM:
There, there Katherine. How long to dry out your phone Mr b?
MR B:
Estimated time of dried device is seven minutes.
S/FX: GROWLING FADING INTO JELLY TRUMPET THEME BURST
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Hurry Mr b, hurry… the Zed’s could break in any moment!
S/FX: LOUD BANGING ON DOOR AND GROWLING
JIM:
I’d rather be in Borehamwood. Nooooooo!
S/FX: SOUND OF DOOR SPLINTERING
S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME
CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP
JIM:
Worry the problem like a bone. Often we have an idea we want to progress BUT the idea won’t bear the fruit we were hoping for and that could be seen as a ‘block.’ The folly for many of us is letting it wear us down. See that ‘block’ as a bone and you’re a doggie.
I’ve used this thought several times and it works. Attend the ‘block’ or rather the bone and ‘worry’ it with thoughts BUT for 5 minutes only. Go off and do other stuff, talk to people, chill, do something you really enjoy. Come back, worry the bone and repeat.
Sooner, rather than later, your unconscious will pop out an answer. So, be a doggie with a bone. Amen!
Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.
JIM EXITS SOUND BOOTH
Well, that recording went very well!
MR B:
Talking of bones. Why are you only wearing one shoe and one sock?
JIM:
I had, erm… bit of an accident.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
That reminds me we need some cheese.
RIFF: 9
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: AN EXPLOSION CLOSE BY. ELECTRICITY BUZZING. THE FOLLOWING MIXED:
S/FX: SOUND OF A HAIRDRYER
S/FX: A LOUD MEOW
S/FX: BABY CRYING SOFTLY
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We have to go! Nigel ici! Did you find a way to get up to the top of the boat?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
MR B:
What did Nigel say your Majesty?
JIM:
Good moggie!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nigel has seen a way. It is very dangerous. We go now!
MR B:
But…
JIM:
We’ve no choice Mr b!
MR B:
Right. I will tuck the device somewhere warm.
JIM:
Mr b! Not there, surely?
S/FX: A DOOR BEING SMASHED IN. THE SOUND OF MULTIPLE GROWLING ZOMBIES
JIM:
Run for your lives!
MR B:
Right o’!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Follow Nigel! Through the wine bar, through that door!
JIM:
[IN PAIN] Good girl Katherine! Hold on!
S/FX: RUNNING FEET, THE ODD MEOW AND THE ODD BABY CRY
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is that!
JIM:
I believe that’s a climbing wall.
MR B:
On a boat?
JIM:
Yes Mr b. They have many amenities on these super cruise ships. Some have basketball courts, ice-skating rings, theatres, fitness centres…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
ENOUGH! We climb. Grab those ropes! NO! THE ZEDS ARE ON US!
S/FX: LOUDER ZOMBIE NOISES
JIM:
[OUT OF BREATH] We’re not going to make it!
MR B:
I can’t climb any higher. It’s been good podcasting with you.
JIM:
Nor me! Climb on my shoulders your Majesty!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
We will face this together.
MR B:
It’s all over.
JIM:
Goodbye friends.
S/FX: RAPID GUN SHOTS AND SOUND OF ZOMBIES DYING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
C’est le chimpanze!
MR B:
You were right Mr Jim. That is a chimp with an M14 Carbine on automatic.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What are you doing Mr b?
MR B:
See that hatch up there? I’ll loop the ropes over that pipe above and we can each swing into the open hatch.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Bon!
JIM:
Are you sure Mr b?
MR B:
No. [TWO BEATS] Just kidding. And voila! Your Majesty. You’re first.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Here I go…
S/FX: A BABY CRYING FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. A BABY CRYING GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER
MR B:
Your next Mr Jim and then Nigel.
JIM:
What is her majesty doing Mr b?
MR B:
Her majesty is gaining momentum Mr Jim.
S/FX: A BABY CRYING FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. A BABY CRYING GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER
JIM:
Here I go…
MR B:
Nigel! Yes you can use your own rope! Now! Swing my furry friend!
S/FX: A CAT MEOWING FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. A CAT MEOWING GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. NIGEL CHIRPING GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER
S/FX: A BABY CRYING FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. A BABY CRYING GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER
[THE ABOVE TO BE MIXED INTO SOME RHYTHM OR POSSIBLY A TUNE]
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[DISTANT] The baby is safe!
MR B:
Swing Jim!
JIM:
I’ve never been a swinger Mr b! Very well. And uppp!
S/FX: A CAT MEOWING FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. A CAT MEOWING AND JIM IN PAIN GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER
JIM:
[VOICE FADING IN] I think I’ve got it this time Mr b!
S/FX: A CAT MEOWING FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. A CAT MEOWING AND JIM IN PAIN GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER
JIM:
[DISTANT] I’m safe Mr b! The Zeds are getting very close!
MR B:
Nigel! Swing higher!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. NIGEL’S CHIRPING GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER THEN FADING FOLLOWED BY A LOUDISH THUMP SOUND
JIM:
[DISTANT] MR B! MR B! Nooooooooooo! Nigel’s rope broke!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
The Zeds will have him at any moment!
S/FX: THE SOUND OF A CHIMP. LOUD THEN FADING
S/FX: AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE
MR B:
The chimp’s got Nigel! Now swing Mr Chimp! Swing for the hatch!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING AND CHIMP NOISE FADING INTO THE DISTANCE. NIGEL’S CHIRPING AND CHIMP NOISE GETTING LOUDER THEN FADING. THEN LOUDER THEN FADING
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES IN
IDENT & OUTRO
S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE
TONY:
That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’
Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.
JIM:
Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.
MUSIC
‘We Paint Houses’ tune.
RIFF 10
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
MR B:
Frankly Mr Jim, that was another terrifying episode.
JIM:
It was Mr b. Any coffee going?
MR B:
Yes, Mr Jim The finest Honduran coffee for you and a glass of palm wine for Elijah.
S/FX: CHIMP NOISES
JIM:
He deserves a whole bottle does Mr Elijah.
S/FX: CHIMP NOISES
MR B:
Sorry Mr Elijah. Let me get cMac to translate. cMac! cMac, translate chimp mode.
JIM:
What’s Elijah saying?
MR B:
[READING] He’s asking if your back is better?
JIM:
Yes. Thank you and thanks to you Nigel was saved from those rather unpleasant Zeds. Cheers!
S/FX: CHIMP NOISE
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And what is next for Monsieur Elijah?
S/FX: LONGER BURST OF CHIMP NOISE
MR B:
[READING] Elijah has to get back to work. Apparently, some social platform billionaire is committing suicide this coming Tuesday. One of those surprise falls from a very tall building.
JIM:
Good luck chap.
MR B:
Good luck chap!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Good luck mon cher compagne.
S/FX: A BURST OF WATER ESCAPING
MR B:
I’ll get my spanner.
THANK YOU’S
JIM:
Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!
S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE