Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a time-travelling comedy podcast. Silly comedy for your listening or reading pleasure.
The regular Jelly Trumpet crew are:
- Mr Jim, the deluded writer, bit of a coward
- Mr b, a compulsive inventor, only slightly cowardly
- Queen Eleanor, regal, randy and sensible. Accidentally picked up from 12th century France in a previous episode
Minor characters:
- Nigel, a giant red squirrel and wannabe musician
- Spen, aka Twang, resident guitarist, who can only converse in guitar riffs
- cMac, Mr b’s multipurpose gadget that often gets the crew out of a scrape
- Tony, the voice over guy
Previously on Jelly Trumpet
The rag-tag crew just survived a Zombie apocalypse on an upturned cruise liner in the Caribbean with the help of a machinegun wielding chimpanzee.
In this Episode
Mr b has a new hobby which leads our crew into great danger. Will they survive the trial of Lavender Cottage, even with the help of the… Conspiracy Chihuahua?
Where were they keeping Sherlock Holmes? How many worldwide conspiracies will the crew uncover?
Watch Out for our Bonus Episode Interviews!
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‘We Paint Houses’
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Read the Script
Season 3 Episode 07 – Conspiracy Chihuahua
RIFF 1
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TONY:
Welcome to Jelly Trumpet, two blokes in a loft in St Albans trying to make a comedy podcast. Silly comedy and creativity tips for your lovely ears’ dear listener.
Mr B:
What you writing Jim?
JIM:
I’m writing a new part for Eddie.
MR B:
Eddie the mime artist?
JIM:
The same. Look what I’ve written so far.
MR B:
[READING] Eddie enters the Jelly Trumpet studio. Eddie has recently retrained from a website User Experience Developer to being a mime artist. Eddie likes mime challenges. He picks up a golden envelope…
JIM:
…And Eddie opens the envelope and accepts his first mime challenge. ‘Eddie please mime Schrodinger’s Cat’.
MR B:
Is that the experiment that illustrates the paradox of quantum superposition?
JIM:
The same. A thought experiment. A hypothetical cat is sealed in a box with some poison. So, is the cat simultaneously alive and dead?
MR B:
Quite a challenge to mime.
JIM:
Yes, it is. Eddie’s been doing very well with the challenges. One more element for this one though.
S/FX: SOUND OF HAMMERING
MR B:
Is it necessary to nail Eddie INTO the box?
JIM:
It is Mr b. It’s called science.
MR B:
Right o.’
S/FX: DUCK QUACKING
JIM:
What was that?
MR B:
You mean that thing with a beak, feathers and wet webbed feet?
JIM:
Yes.
MR B:
It’s a chicken. [A BEAT] [UBER SARCASTIC] To be exact it’s a rare Arctic swimming chicken, with a kazoo glued to its face.
JIM:
Really?
MR B:
No Jim.
JIM:
I see.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
That is Gerald.
JIM
Gerald? Gerald the duck? Why does an outlaw podcast like ours need a duck?
MR B:
Could be useful if we need something retrieved from a pond.
JIM:
O’, it’s a retriever duck is it?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nonsense! The pair of you are testing my LEGENDARY patience. Gerald is for Nigel.
MR B:
What?
JIM:
Why?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Gerald is an emotional support duck.
TONY:
Shall I do the trailer now?
MR B:
A moment please Tony.
JIM:
Why does Nigel, our squirrel, the size of a St Bernard dog, need an emotional support duck?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He has Obesophobia.
MR B:
O’, No!
JIM:
Is it catchy?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It is a fear of being overweight. Gerald calms Nigel’s fear of being paunchy.
S/FX: QUACK FOLLOWED BY A CHIRP FROM NIGEL
JIM:
Sorry Nigel…
MR B:
Hit it Tony!
TONY:
Right then! Off we go…It’s Season 3. The crew have been declared OUTLAW! There’re Season 3 mission? [YAWNS]. There 3-year mission to boldly CREATE!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
TRAILER
TONY:
In this episode of Jelly Trumpet:
- Creative challenges!
- The 7 questions in 7 minutes interview
- A Micro Sitcom, ‘The Start-up’
Plus:
- Jim’s List of the week and creative tips!
- We play out the episode with ‘We Paint Houses’ a melodic rock band
Support Jelly Trumpet on patreon.com and get extra stuff!
Get ready to RUMBLE!
[SOTTO VOCE] Now for a really good biscuit.
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET JINGLE
RIFF 2
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME FADES
JIM:
I really must get a hobby. Hello, what’s this?
MR B:
But you have your love of cooking and your collection of Moluccan beer bottle caps?
JIM:
It’s not active enough Mr b. What are your hobbies this week Mr b?
MR B:
Well, this week I’ve taken up genetic engineering.
JIM:
I see.
MR B:
Would you like to meet him?
JIM:
Yes. What? Who?
MR B:
Tarrah!
S/FX: A COUPLE OF SOFT YAPS FROM A SMALL DOG
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What do you have there Mr Jim?
JIM:
O’ this? Not sure. It’s a black box, quite mysterious really. That lady left it this morning. The one with the Nordic Walking Poles. What is that barking thing Mr b?
MR B:
Edgar. This is Edgar, my latest creation.
JIM:
That’s a Chihuahua Mr b. Do you have any hobbies your Majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I just like having a bath… with, how you should say? A scrubber.
JIM:
Quite. I can’t open the box. It seems stuck.
MR B:
This isn’t any ordinary Chihuahua Mr Jim. Edgar has been engineered to sniff out conspiracies.
S/FX: A COUPLE OF SMALL DOG YAPS
JIM:
I wonder what is inside this mysterious black box? How forgetful of the Nordic Walking Pole lady.
S/FX: A SOFT DOG GROWL
MR B:
Now Edgar…
JIM:
Why’s he pointing at this black box?
MR B:
He’s a Pointer Chihuahua. He points at danger…
JIM:
So, Edgar not only sniffs out conspiracies he can point at Danger? What sort of danger? If only… er… is this mysterious black box dangerous do you think your Majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[AS IF TO TWO STUPID CHILDREN] If only we had a detective…
MR B:
If only we had a detective.
JIM:
Yes. Yes. If only we had a detective…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[GENTLY PATRONISING] Perhaps we should look in the cupboard?
JIM:
Perhaps we should look in the cupboard? Why?
MR B:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson! Remember? We picked them up in season two, episode ten. They’re both still in the cupboard watching ‘The Crown’ on repeat!
JIM:
O’ yes! Thought they’d come in handy. Open the cupboard Mr b!
S/FX: CUPBOARD DOOR OPENING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Well, well, well…
JIM:
NOT THAT ONE!
[TWO BEATS]
MR B:
Well, hello.
MISS S:
[GERMAN ACCENT] Guten Morgen.
[A BEAT]
MR B:
And this is?
JIM:
Well, this is, erm Miss S.
MR B:
And Miss S is what exactly?
JIM:
Miss S is our emergency dominatrix.
MR B:
What do we need emergency dominatrix for?
JIM:
In case we are troubled by Daily Mail readers.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Bonne idée mot homme.
MR B:
O’, I see. Sorry Miss S, I was looking for Sherlock Holmes.
MISS S:
[GERMAN ACCENT] You know you deserve it… [A BEAT] next cupboard along.
S/FX: CUPBOARD BEING CLOSED ABRUPTLY
JIM:
The next cupboard Mr b.
S/FX: CUPBOARD DOOR BEING OPENED
QUEEN ELEANOR:
There we are! Mr Holmes. Dr Watson.
SHERLOCK:
Good day. You wanted me, Sherlock Holmes, master of detection, deduction and modesty. Could I have some more tea?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Mr Holmes, we need your ideas about this mysterious black box.
SHERLOCK:
Dr Watson, my hat.
DR WATSON:
[MUMBLES IN A DRUNKEN MANNER] Errrg!
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPING MADLY. A DUCK QUACK
JIM:
This mysterious black box was left in the studio Mr Holmes.
SHERLOCK:
Very well doctor, have the hat steam cleaned and returned for tomorrow morning. What did the lady that left the mysterious black box look like? Wait. I see. She was worried, scratching her, right, no wait, scratching her left ear. A Nordic association perhaps?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Magniciient Mr Holmes. The Nordic lady had a theory.
JIM:
Golly he’s good! Nordic lady mentioned something about a boy band didn’t she Mr b?
MR B:
That’s right. She was convinced that the boy band ‘Take That’ are all giant lizard people bent on taking over the ears of everyone over fifty. She wanted us to help with a podcast to get the truth out there. Now we have launched Jelly Trumpet Studios, the podcast production studios for those that like to go out on a limb. We’re going to be Internet multimillionaires!
SHERLOCK:
The lady was disturbed, hence forgetting the box. She cared for it, see this corner was repaired recently, left-handed, excellent teeth and enjoys whistling. Would you agree Dr Watson?
DR WATSON:
[MUMBLES IN A DRUNKEN MANNER]
SHERLOCK:
Quite right Doctor. I agree. Now, if you can show me to the nearest Hansom cab, we shall adjourn to Baker Street.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
You’re forgetting something Mr Holmes are you not?
MR B:
We’re very sorry Mr Holmes but we travelled back to 1887 and, well, we [LAUGHS] picked you and the Doctor up and, well… we didn’t put you back.
SHERLOCK:
I see. And the Hansom cab?
MR B:
In this time Mr Holmes we travel by Uber.
SHERLOCK:
You use Ubba? The Viking? 9th century commander of the Great Heathen Army, as a Hansom cab driver?
JIM:
Right. Bit of confusion here. Uber with an ‘er’, not Ubba with an ‘a’. Your Majesty.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I too have been stolen from time Mr Holmes. One day, one day, SOON! Mr b will work out how to make the podcast go back to my time, THE CORRECT TIME!
MR B:
[NERVOUS] Well, yes. You see it was an experiment and the steam wasn’t up to… to… to…
[A BEAT]
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Will you help us Mr Holmes?
SHERLOCK:
Certainly, your Majesty… First! [A BEAT] Can I have some more tea?
JIM:
Right, erm. Good!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Where do we find the lady Mr Holmes?
SHERLOCK:
Simple. We will find the lady in a cottage below an abandoned windmill on the Kent coast. There’s a brass lamp to the right of the door, a dozen pots of Lavender on the left. I am unsure of the cottage name. It will come to me. I believe we will also find a small statue of a black fish above the door. Gentlemen, your Majesty, we will return the Nordic’s mysterious box to this… cottage. The black box appears to be ticking. Mr b? Call me a Viking.
MR B:
YOU’RE A VIKING! O’ [A BEAT] Right O’ Mr Holmes, Uber with an ‘er’. Just opening the Uber app.
DR WATSON:
[MUMBLES IN A DRUNKEN MANNER]
SHERLOCK:
And some bacon rashers and eggs for Dr Watson. He’s feeling fragile again.
JIM:
Now what…?
SHERLOCK:
Tea perhaps?
TONY:
Challenge at home!
CHALLENGE AT HOME
JIM:
This challenge is called ‘Draw it Again.’ Select an everyday object, say a plant. Draw that object every day for a week or more if you fancy.
After a few days attend to the details of the drawing. Do you see anything new as you examine the object every day? This exercise is about extreme focus, so take your time in your examination of the object. This relaxed focus will improve your attention to detail and should help you notice new elements in whatever work you do.
Tell us about your insights, post on our Facebook page, just search ‘Jelly Trumpet’ or email us jelly@jellytrumpet.com. We love knowing what you are creating. You never know we may use it as a piece in an episode.
JIM EXITS THE SOUNDBOOTH
I wonder where the podcast is now?
MR B:
I think slightly left of reason and a pinch south of frivolity.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Nous marchons sur le Kent!
JIM:
Was that in the script? You’re not rewriting my scripts are you?
MR B:
Perish the thought Mr Jim. I’ll get the buttons ready. That’s in the script.
RIFF 3
S/FX: FADE IN JELLY TRUMPET THEME AND FADE OUT
MR B:
No need for a cab Mr Holmes! Have podcast, can travel. Watch this! Selecting F4, F5, the Alt Key, pressing the blue button and punching the steam valve…
SF/FX: WHIRRING SOUND AS THE PODCAST TRAVELS ACROSS ENGLAND TO KENT
S/FX: THE PODCAST LANDS WITH A THUMP
QUEEN ELEANOR:
You are getting good at this Mr b! Pity you can’t get land us in the right place EVERY time.
MR B:
[MUMBLING] I am trying.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS, EDGAR GROWLS
JIM:
Right. Here we are…erm… Did you have to bring Edgar?
S/FX: SOUND OF A TWITTER NOTIFICATION
MR B:
Edgar will point out any danger or conspiracies…
JIM:
Conspiracies, my a… aftermath. [HE LAUGHS]? What was that Twitter notification Mr b? Could it be important?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Easy mon Nigel. Here we are… ready for shenanigans.
S/FX: QUACK OF A DUCK
QUEEN ELEANOR (cont.):
Nigel! Keep Gerald quiet.
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
JIM:
It’s like travelling with the wallabies from Whipsnade Zoo…
MR B:
Nothing important JIm. I’m having a Twitter-spat with Elton Muskox.
JIM:
The social networking billionaire?
MR B:
No this is a different social networking billionaire. He owns that new social platform, the upcoming rival to Twitter, you know the one, send negative messages to anyone in the world instantly. It’s called Bitter.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Gentlemen! Enough! We must get on. Now! Mr Holmes is correct. The pots of Lavender, the brass lamp and the statue of a black fish above the door. Look at the sign! This place is called Lavender Cottage. Bravo Mr Holmes! Pity you didn’t get the name.
SHERLOCK:
I see Lavender but sense something else your Majesty. Dr Watson! Your finger please.
DR WATSON:
[MUMBLES DRUNK]
JIM:
O’ God! What’s he going to do with his finger?!
MR B:
Look at the size of his digit!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
He is pressing the doorbell Mr Jim. Really! Sometimes you are just a drama queen in search of a drag race.
JIM:
Drag Race? How does her Majesty know about drag?
MR B:
[HEAVILY SARCASTIC] Television Mr Jim. It’s catching on. Eastenders has been going for over thirty years…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
[EASTENDER ACCENT] Get out of my windmill, you nag!
MR B:
Shouldn’t that be [EASTENDER ACCENT] ‘Get out of my pub, you s…’
JIM:
No Mr b! We will not use such a word on Jelly Trumpet.
SHERLOCK:
If you would good doctor…
DR WATSON:
[MUMBLES DRUNK] Ding Dong!
S/FX: THE SOUND OF A DEATH BELL TOLLING
MR B:
I wasn’t expecting that.
JIM:
Who’d expect a tolling bell of death…
SHERLOCK:
It was obvious, bald person. Follow me.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Come on boys.
S/FX: DOOR CREAKING OPEN
S/FX: A BLEND OF SQUIRREL CHIRPS, YAPPY DOG AND DUCK QUACKS
S/FX: THE STARTUP THEME TUNE
THE STARTUP: TIKTOKBRYST
TONY:
The Start up! A micro sitcom.
Meet Mary ‘The Entrepreneur’ going about creating her online business.
This episode is: ‘TikTokBryst’
THE SCENE: A DANISH LIVE TIKTOK SHOW. SELLING ALL MANNER OF PRODUCTS LIVE OVER THE INTERNET
S/FX: BURST OF A JAUNTY TUNE
PETAR:
[DANISH ACCENT] Welcome! Welcome to TikTokBryst! The number one live selling show in Denmark. Boy! Do we have some herring for you! Only kidding! I’m Petar Hans Larson, your host. Boy! Do we have a show for you today. Our special guest is Mary an entrepreneur from England. Mary, welcome to TikTokBryst!
MARY:
Thank you, Petar. I was meaning to ask what bryst means?
PETAR:
Breast Mary! Boy, have we got some Danish stories for you! It’s not just herrings, body parts and Sandi Toksvig, here in Aarhus! Now Mary, you have a product to launch?
MARY:
Yes. Thank you, Petar. As you can see on the table here, we have a range of makeup. Makeup for babies. Called BabyMaker, ‘make them cute, hide the dribbles’, still working on the tag line…
PETAR:
This is brilliant Mary! Wonderful! Just what we parents need. Do help yourself to a smørrebrød, our world-famous open-faced sandwich, there’s mayo, raw onion and a bowl of super-hot-hot-hot mustard! Do tell us more. O’, bring on the baby please!
S/FX: SOFT GURGLING OF A BABY
MARY:
O’, he’s quite heavy. Let me… I’ll just get a good grip. Now we’re going to apply the concealer, hide the dribbles. What’s his name?
PETAR:
Jorst, Jorst Flicker.
S/FX: A QUIET BABY CRY
MARY:
We’re also going to apply some bronzer. I mean this little fellow is rather pale.
S/FX: BABY GURGLE
PETAR:
He’s Danish. The sun is our enemy. How much bronzer do you apply Mary?
MARY:
Well, Petar. It does depend on the size of the baby and the paleness. So, I think for this little fellow a handful and a half.
S/FX: SPLOG OF CREAM HITTING A FACE
PETAR:
How long does the baby bronzer last Mary?
MARY:
Well, Petar, we use a highly absorbent sponge and we apply in broad strokes. Across the forehead and… down the cheeks, over the nose… and your baby is concealed all day.
PETAR:
Boy, Mary the bronzer is very yellow.
MARY:
Our BabyMaker bronzer, ‘make ‘em bronze, make ‘em interesting’, have to work on that tag line. Well, it dries, erm… darker.
S/FX: BABY BEGINNING TO CRY LOUDER
PETAR:
What is the bronzer made from Mary?
MARY:
It’s mainly shea butter with sage, JoJoba and natural colouring. Golly, he’s gone bright yellow…
PETAR:
And somewhat red Mary. Wait!
MARY:
What are you doing Petar? You can’t eat the bronzer.
PETAR:
That’s not bronzer Mary. That’s the super-hot-hot-hot mustard.
S/FX: BABY BEGINNING TO CRY LOUDER AND LOUDER
MARY:
O’…
PETAR:
What you have here Mary is an open-faced-baby… sandwich.
MARY:
He looks good enough to eat.
S/FX: BABY CRYING VERY LOUDLY
END
RIFF: 4
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET FADES IN AND OUT
S/FX: EDGAR YAPS
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is it, Edgar?
JIM:
He’s pointing over there Mr b. Now, is he pointing at a conspiracy or is he pointing at danger?
MR B:
I could train him to use his right paw for conspiracies and his left for danger…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
A bit late for that Mr b…
SHERLOCK:
Moving along. What we have here is a classic switch. Obviously, this is a den for conspiracy theories. See, the picture of the moon landings, the cover of the Abbey Road album, a satanic cross weaved into Gerri Halliwell’s hair, all well-known conspiracies.
JIM:
What’s this to do with the lady and this mysterious bloack box? A box, which is now whistling, Gerri Halliwell?
S/FX: A SUBTLE WHISTLING SOUND
MR B:
Whistling? I’d say that is more of a hum, like when some jolly nice steam gets trapped in your swimming trunks…
JIM:
What?
MR B:
Moving on.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Please go on Mr Holmes. Before one of them says something knowledgeable.
SHERLOCK:
As I was saying, we are in a den of conspiracy, a factory of mishearing, misthinking and misspelling. Witness this, a surveillance drone disguised as a pigeon.
JIM:
That’s a new conspiracy, is it?
MR B:
Misspelling?
SHERLOCK:
An old conspiracy er… bald person. This book entitled ‘The Earth is really Fat’. Should be ‘The Earth is really flat’.
JIM:
About the pigeon Mr Holmes?
SHERLOCK:
It’s a common thought in America, where most thoughts are common. That birds are not real. Rather they are surveillance drones made by the US government. Dr Watson, please put the duck down… we have work to do.
S/FX: DUCK QUACK
DR WATSON:
[DRUNK MUMBLING] Ding Dong!
MR B:
There are literally dozens of conspiracies! It’s a conspiracy factory.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
What is the conspiracy in this picture? The smug eyes and smugger chin, reminds me of someone Mot Homme?
JIM:
That one? That one’s been around a long time. It’s that James Corden is a comedian.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And this one. The picture of the lady with the face that looks like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, or anywhere else?
MR B:
That’s Gwyneth Paltrow. It has been suggested she may like people without money.
SHERLOCK:
The game is afoot!
JIM:
What?
SHERLOCK:
See here? It’s a football.
S/FX: A FOOTBALL BEING KICKED
S/FX: WINDOW BREAKING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Quick! I saw something through the window…
S/FX: FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING PLUS A CHIRP, A YAP AND A QUACK
TONY:
O’ dear o’ dear, o’ dear. Will the Jelly Trumpet crew survive ‘The House of Conspiracies?’ Who is the mysterious woman? Why Nordic Walking poles? What is in the whistling box? [YAWNS] eh? Right then! Interview countdown, 7 questions in 7 minutes with a delightfully creative guest.
I love ducks.
S/FX: INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE
INTERVIEW COUNTDOWN
JIM INTRODUCES GUEST
END
RIFF: 5
S/FX: BURST OF THE JELLY TRUMPET THEME
S/FX: BURST OF DANGER MUSIC
MR B:
Where did her Majesty go?
JIM:
Through there, the kitchen, the back door is open.
SHERLOCK:
Caution gentlemen. We will take this one step at a time. I sense danger and the presence of someone, someone… dark. Step carefully now.
JIM:
She could be hurt!
MR B:
Wait Jim. Why Mr Holmes?
SHERLOCK:
Because of the disguised trap…
S/FX: A SHORT SCREAM
SHERLOCK (cont.)
…door. Dr Watson! Find a ladder and extract those two… gentlemen from the cellar. Then join me in the garden.
DR WATSON:
[MUMBLES DRUNK] Ding dong!
SHERLOCK:
Hardly ding-dong doctor. More Ping pong BANG! There appears to be more than one conspiracy game afoot.
S/FX: A DISTANT YAPPING OF A DOG
S/FX: COMING UP JINGLE/MUSIC
COMING UP
TONY:
Coming up!
• Challenge Jim, Mr b will issue Jim a challenge
• List of the week
- Music from ‘We Paint Houses’
- And a surprise post music scene!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the really creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives. Get exclusive Jelly Trumpet stuff on Patreon
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM THEME
CHALLENGE JIM
TONY:
Challenge Jim!
S/FX: CHALLENGE JIM JINGLE/MUSIC
MR B:
Each episode we challenge Jim with a creative exercise. Jim your creative exercise today is to come up with as many celebrity tv show formats for Channel 5.
JIM:
This should be easy…
[MR B THROWS IN DIFFERENT IDEAS / DISTRACTIONS AND COUNTS JIM DOWN]
MR B:
Moving on.
JIM EXITS SOUNDBOOTH
JIM:
I said I’d practice more!
MR B:
We’ve talked about this Jim. How much you should practice! Remember? Toy Story? Buzz Lightyear’s catch phrase?
JIM:
Yes! ‘To infinity and beyond!’
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It’s not enough. Continuer!
S/FX: JELLY TRUMPET THEME
RIFF: 6
S/FX: BIRD SONG
SHERLOCK:
NOT SO FAST LADY OF MYSTERY! OR SHOULD THAT BE MS ENID CULPEPPER? Nordic Pole walker and queen of conspiracies…
JIM:
[SLIGHTLY BREATHLESS] Did we miss something? Is her Majesty alright?
MR B:
Queenie! Queenie!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I’m here boys.
MR B:
Thank God!
SHERLOCK:
Do you mind gentlemen. I am revealing the villain of the piece.
DR WATSON:
[DRUNK MUMBLING]
SHERLOCK:
Yes doctor, the handcuffs but not the leg irons. Now come quietly Ms Enid or should I call you Professor Jane Moriarty! You are unmasked madam!
JIM:
Blimey!
MR B:
Well, whatever next?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
But you have not unmasked the villain Mr Holmes.
SHERLOCK:
I beg your pardon your Majesty?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
The villain is wearing a mask.
SHERLOCK:
Good God! I have made an error. Dr Watson, please don’t take note.
DR WATSON:
[DRUNK MUMBLING]
QUEEN ELEANOR:
The eyes are a little bit too sunken. Nigel the mask! [CLAPPING HANDS] Rapide!
S/FX: SQUIRREL CHIRPING
S/FX: RIPPING OF SOMETHING LIKE A PLASTIC STICKER
JIM:
Well, I never…
MR B:
It can’t be!
RIFF: 7
S/FX: MUSIC FOR A MOMENT IN TIME FOR 2 – 3 BEATS
S/FX: GROWLING OF A SMALL DOG, A QUACK AND SOME CHIRPPING
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It’s the Dark Kipper!
MR B:
The Dark Kipper!
JIM:
The Dark Kipper, blimey.
SHERLOCK:
Yes. It’s the Dark Kipper.
ENID:
No.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
No?
MR B:
No?
JIM:
No?
SHERLOCK:
No.
DR WATSON:
[DRUNK MUMBLING]
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Then who?
SHERLOCK:
Professor Jane Moriarty. Younger sister to the villain Professor James Moriarty.
ENID:
No, so-called Sherlock Holmes…
SHERLOCK:
It’s my name.
ENID:
Is it?
S/FX: RIPPING PLASTIC
[TWO BEATS]
JIM:
Who’s that then?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Who indeed?
MR B:
Do we know her?
SHERLOCK:
Whatever next?
S/FX: LIST OF THE WEEK JINGLE/MUSIC
LIST OF THE WEEK
TONY:
List of the week!
JIM:
This episode. Things to change the world of online dating.
Number one: Every profile to contain at least one cat.
Number two: Every profile to contain a map of where you’ve been if it states ‘I love to travel’
Number three: Provide a picture of the settee, the streaming service AND the glass of wine.
Number four: If you have a great sense of humour, please explain why?
Number five: I’ll finish this later. You won’t though, eh?
Number six: Must like dogs? O’ she’s Korean.
Number seven: Of course, your family is important to you. What about vodka?
Number eight: ‘I’m equally as comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt as I am in a cocktail dress and heels’ Really Simon?
Number nine: ‘I’m terrible at talking about myself.’ Well, write it down, o’ you have.
Number ten: So, you like going out AND staying in? So do bees.
Number eleven: Don’t get in contact if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. I do know… that I won’t be dating such a grammar-fascist.
Number twelve: ‘My friends say I’m… no they don’t. You made that up.
Make dating saner.
JIM EXITS SOUNDBOOTH
Dating is an art.
MR B:
And who are you currently in a relationship with Jim?
JIM:
I take your point Mr b.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Well?
JIM:
A cat called John.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
And?
JIM:
An off licence in Park Street. Any chance of a coffee and a biscuit?
RIFF: 8
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
ENID:
It is I!
MR B:
Still not sure. Mr Jim?
JIM:
Nope.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Non. Pas certain.
MR B:
Mr Holmes?
SHERLOCK:
I’m rather flummoxed. Should we know you?
ENID:
It is I! [A BEAT] Nordic Walking Pole lady!
MR B;
Well, that’s solved then. Anyone for an Americano, with a little Lotus Biscoff biscuit on the side?
JIM:
A Lotus Biscoff is delightful, milk on the side please Mr b.
SHERLOCK:
Come Doctor Watson. The mystery is solved. We can return to binge watch more episodes of ‘The Crown.’ And some tea.
ENID:
Come back! I know why the caged bird sings…
S/FX: CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP THEME
CREATIVE MEDICINE TIP
JIM:
Holding that thought is the subject of this episode’s creative medicine tip. Sounds simple. It is. You can do this with an idea you like for a creative project. You can hold a business problem in your head. Make sure it is a concrete. That is you have defined it. For example ‘I like the idea of a new conspiracy theory’ or how can I make my business more engaging on Instagram? Hold it. Your mind is going to wander. That’s normal. Gently bring your mind back to the idea or problem. Do this for five minutes. Repeat three times throughout the day. Now dismiss it. More often than not the idea or the problem will bloom.
Let us know how you got on, email: jelly@jellytrumpet.com or leave us a post on a social platform.
RIFF: 9
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
JIM:
You what?
S/FX: NIGEL CHIRPS
ENID:
I know why the caged bird sings.
JIM:
I see. Would that be singing for freedom from oppression and abuse?
ENID:
Yes.
MR B:
Well, that’s cool…
JIM:
Yes it is.
SHERLOCK:
Which episode of ‘The Crown’ were we on doctor?
DR WATSON:
[DRUNK MUMBLING]
SHERLOCK:
Are you sure doctor? Indeed, Princess Margret was a handful.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
I need a bath. A bath and a good scrub…
JIM:
Am I missing something?
QUEEN ELEANOR:
O’ yes. What’s in the box?
JIM:
That’s right! Well, Nordic Walking Pole lady you can take your mysterious black box back.
ENID:
I will show you. Then you WILL ALL PAY!
JIM:
Well, well, well, well…
QUEEN ELEANOR:
It’s an alarm clock, a steam whistle and the collected works of David Icke and all the QAnon conspiracies. And what is this turquoise button?
MR B:
A turquoisebutton eh?
SHERLOCK:
All as s I expected. Make haste doctor! Don’t forget the salted meat and cress sandwiches.
MR B:
Well done Mr Holmes.
JIM:
Excellent Mr Holmes. Well, that’s that then.
MR B:
All aboard the podcast! Back to blighty and some flavoursome sandwiches. Hurrah!
JIM:
HURRAH!
QUEEN ELEANOR:
HURRAH!
S/FX: A QUACK, A CHIRP AND TWO DOG YAPS
SHERLOCK:
Excellent. Erm, people.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Mr Holmes. Why did she have a steam whistle, an alarm clock and the collected works of David Icke and QAnon, in the mysterious black box?
SHERLOCK:
The mysterious black box madam, is a conspiracy starter kit. But there is more.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Conspiracy starter kit? More?
MR B:
We’ll be back in St Albans in no time. I’m thinking I’ll add two presses of the orange button, for… erm…science reasons [DOUBTFUL] you know.
JIM:
What will two presses of the orange button do?
MR B:
The orange button? It, well…it… [SUDDEN THOUGHT] it reduces, podcast drag.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Wait. Mr Holmes. What else is there to the mysterious black box?
SHERLOCK:
Two things. First, the identity of QAnon.
MR B:
QAnon? Is that the wide-ranging, completely unfounded conspiracy that says that President Trump was waging a secret war against elite Satan-worshippers in government, business and the media? Q being the person who started it all with messages on the 4chan message board?
SHERLOCK:
That is correct.
JIM:
So, the secret is in the box we just gave back to the Nordic Walking Pole lady?
SHERLOCK:
Indeed.
MR B:
Golly.
QUEEN ELEANOR:
Mr Holmes? What else does the box contain? What does the turquoise button do?
SHERLOCK:
If you please. I will now save your lives. We will now all jump into the basement…
S/FX: AN EXPLOSION
IDENT & OUTRO
S/FX: OUTRO JINGLE
TONY:
That was Jelly Trumpet ‘Making you more creative’ with Jim Kinloch, the writer, Mr b the sound artist, Claire Millins, voice talent and me Tony ‘the voice over guy.’
Stay tuned for post music shenanigans!
Sponsored by Conversion Detectives, the delightfully creative digital marketing agency. Search Conversion Detectives.
JIM:
Now here’s Mr b playing us Xxxxx by ‘We Paint Houses’ Find the band on FaceTube or Bandcamp.
MUSIC
‘We Paint Houses’ tune.
RIFF 10
S/FX: BURST OF JELLY TRUMPET THEME
MR B:
Frankly Mr Jim, that was yet another terrifying episode. I mean it started is such an innocent manner.
JIM:
Well, Mr b, that’s script writing for you. Twists, turns, blind alleys, false endings and a large helping of small animals.
MR B:
It’s a shame we’ll never know who QAnon is.
S/FX: SPLASHING OF BATH WATER
JIM:
O’, I know who it is.
MR B:
Really Mr Jim?
JIM:
Yes. It’s a nutter.
MR B:
[SOTTO VOCE] Now, where can I get a turquoise button?
QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:
I’M READY!
JIM:
Mr b? Why is Spen, our resident guitarist and all-round magnificent specimen of a man carrying a large long-handled bath brush and only wearing wellington boots?
MR B:
It’s Queen Eleanor’s bath time.
JIM:
O’, it’s Tuesday.
MR B:
Yes it’s Tuesday.
S/FX: SPLASHING WATER
QUEEN ELEANOR [V.O.]:
You don’t need the boots. Close the door.
SHERLOCK:
[CHUCKLNG] Dr Watson, Princess Margret was certainly a hoot.
S/FX: A DOOR CLOSING
THANK YOU’S
JIM:
Thank you for listening to Jelly Trumpet. Support us on Patreon and get funky extra stuff. eMail us jelly@jellytrumpet.com Stay fab good people!
S/FX: TUMBLEWEED BEING BLOWN ACROSS A DESERT LANDSCAPE